M y | A r b i t r a r y | W o r l d

Through the Rain / Chapter 44

Sat, 17 May 2008 03:47:39 GMT

Finally a post. Its taken me forever since I haven't been around to write in a while but anyway... This is part one of Christmas, or Christmas eve rather.

The One Year Later

***

This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd

While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep

***

Sitting in the armchair by the window her fingers hugged the coffee cup with it held up close to her lips, but yet to drink it. Rather, she lets the fragrant infused warmth fill her senses as the rim grazed her chin. It became a rarity she could just stop and do absolutely nothings as everything for the past however many weeks was a constant haze. She almost felt like she was either moving in between cities, running errands, making arrangements, worrying; today though she felt a sense of being at home. Marissa let the sun rays emit through the window panes making her feel totally relaxed. Here in the apartment she shared she looked out over the courtyard with the scattered faculty buildings in the far off distance. Every other day she’d see people heading off to class, making their way to their own lives, but today it was bare with everyone gone for the holidays.

It was a beautiful Christmas Eve morning and as she relaxed in it she went through a list of ‘to do’s’ in her head. Amidst helping Summer prepare dinner there wasn’t much else to do; calling Ryan was a given but having been unsuccessful in reaching him she figure that can wait until later. She found that if no one was answering their phone at the apartment, she’d get the machine, and if it wasn’t the machine it was Sarah saying he wasn’t home. His cell phone was practically the same, if it wasn’t off it went unanswered, if it went unanswered she’d end up leaving a string of message in which he hasn’t replied to yet. Ryan avoiding her was the obvious thought, but she preferred to think that he was just busy. The thought lingered until a gentle knock came at the door to break her chain of thinking.

***

And all the styrofoa
Began to melt away
We tried to find some worms
To aid in the decay

But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees

***

Furrowing her eyebrows wondering who it could be she set the mug down and rose to her feet still in her Berkeley sweatshirt, a pair of boy-shorts, and fuzzy slippers; opening to find Ethan by the hall now smiling.

Marissa’s smile grew as she whispered "Hey stranger!" almost leaping to give him a hug.

"Merry Christmas", he smiled and whispered in echo of her. "Why are we whispering?"

"Oh, Kyle, she’s still sleeping. You’re here early?"

"Oh she was meant to help me cook at my place so I was going to pick her up early. The family decided it was my turn this year." He said as he took his coat off and set it down as he followed her further inside.

"Well join me and have a coffee first or something." She offered.

"Yeah sure, as long as its not too much trouble…"

"Yeah you’re right, make your own coffee." She said playfully. "What are you having?"

"Uh… black, two sugars." He answered as they continued to converse in hushed voices.

Exiting the kitchen a short while after, they sat opposite each other by the window; resting on the table between them the two similar coffee cups with the heat slowly rising. "When did you get back?" Ethan asked.

"Just the other day actually", Marissa answered as she lifted her legs to sit cross-legged on the chair and leant back.

"How’s your mom?"

"She’s doing okay… right now. I mean, I don’t want to delude myself into thinking everything will be fine, but I really am hoping."

Ethan grabbed the mug, took a sip then set it down again, "Funny that huh…"

"What?" Marissa looked up with a curious half smile.

"Life…" he said simply.

"It can change in an instant can’t it, kind of like the weather…" She answered. "Just look at this past year, you and Kyle…that was a nice surprise." She smiled.

"Remember how much convincing it took for you to go back home last year? Where did we go? We had to get something Fedexed then the airport… you’re so stubborn." He teased as he carefully took another sip.

"Thanks", she smiled back. "God you’re right… that was a year ago… thanks by the way, I don’t know if I properly thanked you…"

"Hey, I’m just glad it worked out."

She went back to hugging the coffee between the palms of her hands, "What’s new with you these days?"

"Oh was that the official subject change?" Ethan responded lightheartedly. "I actually do sort of have some news… haven’t told Kyle yet though."

Marissa quickly became intrigued, "Can I ask what it is?"

"Well I’m finishing up after the coming semester and my parents have a family friend in New York; some guy who heads up this huge firm. Anyway they’re in the business of urban planning and architecture…"

"New York City doesn’t exactly strike me as the greenery type." She said as Ethan gave her a crooked smile.

"I know, but their head office is NYC but they do a lot of work across the east coast. It’s still in keeping with what I want to do, I’ll still be doing landscape architecture but just on a bigger scale I guess."

"Well I think that’s really great." She smiled.

"They offered me a junior position straight out after I graduate so…"

"You said yes?"

"Not yet… I really want to… for the job and just a change of scenery even."

"When are you going to tell her?" Marissa asked.

"Soon…" He sighed, "I want to make it work, but I don’t know what she’ll say…"

"Wow…" She said as she took a deep breath, "I am officially jealous. I love the idea of New York… maybe one day." Marissa said as they continued to drink their coffee in the warmth of the sun for a little while longer.

***

While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again

On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep

***

"What are you doing?" Seth said bewildered as he slowly walked out from the bedroom; treading carefully as he found a sea of red napkins across the dining area all in a crumpled fashion.

"Trying to make swans" Summer replied as if this was the most obvious answer possible. She continued to sit there fussing about trying to follow a Christmas preparation ‘How-To’ guide as Seth rummaged about trying to find the car keys.

"What are you looking for?"

"The car keys."

"Oh your parents took the car, they’ve gone to pick up Julie and Kaitlin from the hotel and take them around to see some sights." She answered. "Where were you headed to Cohen?"

"Well the parents were getting me to drop some stuff they got Ryan seeing as he’s sick and won’t be coming for dinner."

"Are you sure you should be going there, when I talked to him he sounded pretty bad. You know he’s probably contagious." Summer said as she scrunched another failed napkin.

"Trust me, what ever is eating away at Ryan can’t be treated with antibiotics." Seth replied sardonically but Summer was too busy to really hear what he said. "Guess I won’t have to go then."

On cue Marissa calls out from the other side of the door, "Hey it’s me, I’ve got a heavy bag of presents so as long as you guys aren’t naked, please open the door."

"There you go, take Marissa’s car" she said as Seth opened the door for her.

"Merry Chrismukkah Eve", Marissa said as she lugged a large bag of wrapped goods inside.

"Hey Coop, oh can Seth borrow your car?"

"Sure." Marissa answers as she reaches inside her purse and tosses it over to him. "Oh but easy on the accelerator, sorry, the gas tank is low."

"Marissa its Seth, you should be telling him to go easy on the brakes if anything." Summer kidded.

"Be careful or I won’t be putting out tonight." Seth said cheekily as he made his way out, leaving the girls to scrunch their faces.

Marissa sat down now only noticing the mess upon the table, "Swans?" She asked knowingly and Summer conceded a ‘yes’.

***

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

***

Lazily walking up the stairs of Ryan’s apartment he rolled his eyes to himself before knocking on the door and wondering why he should even bother. Nonetheless he did and with enough luck Ryan answered with a grim 5 o’clock shadow upon his face, looking tired, but not sick.

"Hey", Ryan answered monotonously.

"Hey… uh… this is from the parents… presents and other stuff." Seth replied as he handed over a disproportioned bag.

"Thanks", the young dirty-blonde haired male answered without the slightest change in his tone. "Hang on a sec…" Ryan left him by the doorway briefly only to return with a bag of gifts of his own. Without saying a word he handed it over to Seth.

Seth wasn’t impressed in the least bit. "What are you doing?" You’re clearly not sick. You look homeless can I just say, but what is it you’re avoiding? Everyone wants to see you, and I’m sure Marissa wants to see you."

At the mention of her name he felt his insides jolt as if it were a quick reflex to dodge something until he quickly relaxed again. "Seth… not now…"

"Alright fine… well look, you know where we live if you want to stop by." He replied not bothering and quick to throw in the towel this time. "I’ll see you." With that he left and made his way down the stairs as Ryan regretfully watch him leave.

Once Seth was out of sight he went back inside and proceeded to the kitchen. Reaching for the fridge he grabbed a 6-pack out and made his way to the balcony still in his sweats. Slowly heading up the fire escape he reached the sullen rooftop. It was bare for the most part except for a few neglected pot plants and a couple of depressing deck chairs with a small table placed between the both of them. Resting the case of beers on the table he pulled one out of its placeholder and took a seat.

He stretched out to the view of the city with the sounds faintly well below him, which he liked, and no one ever bothered to come up and occupy the roof anymore, which he liked even better. He twisted the top off the bottle, "Merry Christmas", he said aloud to no one in particular as he took a drink and let the bitter cold pass into him.

***

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

***

"Merry Christmas", Kaitlin called out cheerfully and Julie echoed the sentiment as they came through Seth and Summer’s door; Sandy and Kirsten in tow.

"Merry Christmas", Summer and Marissa responded as equally eager.

"No, no, not for another five hours" Seth corrected them but failed to rain on their parade as they all exchanged embraces regardless.

As Sandy hauls in a large bag of gifts from Julie and Kaitlin, he takes a look at the well prepared spread on the temporarily extended dining table in amazement. "Wow girls everything looks great."

"Sandy, are you surprised that women can cook?" Kirsten joked as she set her coat on the rack.

"With the exception of you honey, I know women can cook." Sandy teased as Kirsten playfully hit him on the shoulder.

"You guys did all of this?" Kaitlin asked, "And… what’s this?" She asked as she tried to figure out the odd shaped napkins set upon their plates.

"Oh, swans…" Summer answered.

"That’s fancy-speak for ‘wads of crap’." Seth added as it became Summer’s turn to hit Seth on the shoulder.

"Hey be nice, the girls worked really hard today and I think they did an excellent job." Kirsten said in their defense. Seth looked as if he were about to make another smart-mouthed joke but Kirsten was quick to shut him up with just a narrowed stare.

"I do appreciate my little Summer", he began as he went to wrap his arms around her from behind, "Why do you think I’m going to marry her?" He continued as people briefly looked up as he now felt a little awkward with what he just said. "I mean, not now, I don’t want to marry you, I mean I do if you want to, but later, waaaay into the future… you know… silver jumpsuits and with robots and stuff…" Seth said with an uneasy long breath until Summer just cut him off.

"Cohen?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up and get the turkey." She said bluntly.

"Oh thank god." He said, quick to obey and dash out of sight.

Marissa just looked at her two friends in amusement. "So how was the tour of the city?" She asked.

"Oh yeah it was great sweetie", Julie answered. "Well if you consider all the places where Sandy and Kirsten used to do it, a tour." She joked with a big smile on her face as the kids all head that look of ‘ew’ on theirs.

"Hey I said that of one place", Sandy answered defensively as Kirsten smiled and shook her head.

"Yeah, no, the city was great Marissa", Julie finished off her sentence as they all began to take a seat around the table. "Where can I wash up?"

"Oh just that door through there to your left", Summer said pointing it out.

Once Julie had returned Marissa was quick to notice the unfilled chair amongst them reserved for only one other person. "Oh shouldn’t we be waiting for Ryan?" She asked innocently.

"Oh no Coop, didn’t I tell you earlier. He’s sick so he called and said he won’t be able to make it."

At this Seth scoffed to himself inaudibly as Sandy began to pour everyone a glass of wine and began making a toast. Marissa lost herself in a distraction of thoughts as she held up her glass as if only subconsciously. She was faintly hearing Sandy give his little speech and the eruption of ‘Cheers’ at the table. With the clanking glasses between them, her eyes still fixated on nothing in particular as if in a trance, and barely above a whisper she says to no one in particular ‘Happy Anniversary", and downs a portion of the bitter sweet liquid in one swift motion.

***

And on the radio
You hear November Rain
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain

You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep

On the radio
On the radio
On the radio
On the radio
On the radio
On the radio

***

Song / On The Radio by Regina Spektor

Through the Rain / Chapter 43

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 11:24:48 GMT

This is a bit of a filler but it had to be added in. The post was actually broken up and this is a small section of it as I decided I'd add a bit
more to the next one. The next will be central to the whole Christmas Eve day and whether Ryan and Marissa will get a chance to see each other, but for now...

The Two Girls and a Guy

***

"You’re back…" he announced surprised as saw a familiar figure waiting in the frame.

"Hi…" Marissa said simply. She stood nervous and uneasy. Fiddling with her car keys she begins to say something then stops herself. After repeating this twice she manages to stifle out, "I’m sorry for dropping by like this…uh…" Marissa turns to leave before Seth reaches an arm out to stop her. "I know its unexpected, I uh, I just got back actually. I dropped my mom off at her hotel, went back to the dorms then…then came straight here. I…I really needed to talk to you guys, that’s all."

"Summer had to leave early this morning, wrapping up some stuff before Christmas, she won’t be back ‘til later uh…" Seth still in his pajamas looking slightly disheveled; stood aside to let her in, "Sorry, my manners don’t usually kick in properly until about 10 so…" He said lightheartedly trying to ease the mood. "Come in…" She obliged and he made his way to the kitchen while she took a seat at their dining table. "Coffee?"

"Yeah sure, thanks…" She smiled a little, still not feeling settled. Seth emerged some moments later with two mugs, set them down, and took a seat opposite to hers. "Thanks Seth", taking the teaspoon she began to slowly stir the steaming liquid to help it cool but to also have something to do, as she sensed Seth was waiting for her to speak. It took her a few moments and finally a string of words came to, "While I was in Newport, there were things, things that made me realize that I…need to put this all behind me." As she spoke, the ambience faded away, "I watched helpless as my mom lay in the hospital, and I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve wasted this past month so mad at everyone, and I should’ve handled it better…so…in short I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m sorry."

It took a series of seconds for Seth to digest what she’d just said, taken aback he attempted to answer numerous times with lack of anything good enough to qualify as a response. "Marissa you don’t have to…"

"Yeah I do, I came here so I can make this right, so we can all just move on from it."

"For what its worth, for everything and anything I did…I’m sorry too…"

Not long after a few beats of sheer silence, Seth slightly turning his coffee cup on the saucer, Marissa back to fiddling with her teaspoon, they look up catching each others gaze and break out into a smile. "This isn’t awkward at all." Seth jokes as Marissa then began to chuckle. "Oh!" Seth said abruptly. "I have something for you."

Marissa now the one to be surprised as Seth hopped out of his seat and went to the room to emerge from the room now with a brown parcel a a little larger than a notebook.

"What’s this?" She smiled widely.

"Its just a little something, consider it an early Chrismukkah present. I mean…I know Summer’s probably already gotten you something from some fancy store but…I don’t…I really wanted you to have this", he said simply with a little nervousness etched across his face.

She wasn’t sure what to make of it, overwhelmed with a wide smile she began to slowly peel the packaging to reveal its contents. As a framed image came into view a wave of unwarranted happiness came over her as her mouth was left ajar.

"I uh, I thought you might like it…maybe…" He said unsure.

Marissa was still rendered speechless as she studied every detail in his illustration. "I love it…" she answered sincerely.

"I know it’s not worth much but-"

But Marissa had cut him off, "Are you kidding? It’s a Seth Cohen original illustration; this is going to be worth a lot one day", she beamed making him feel more at ease.

"So that’s you as Cosmo girl, obviously, back to back with…well…your mom, I actually hadn’t thought of a name for her yet but she is telekinetic and has a heightened power of persuasion." Sharing a laugh she then traced her fingers around the surface of the glass, following the intricate lines of the ink as the black and white image lay before her. He got up and gave her a peck atop her head and walked back to the kitchen to reheat their coffee giving her a moment alone.

***

After spending the morning with Seth, Marissa had left to check up on her mom at the hotel before having to leave again to pick up Kaitlin who was coming into town to spend Christmas with them this year. She considered dropping by Ryan’s place to talk but thought it would be better if she didn’t force a conversation and rather wait until he was ready to see her.

By that afternoon Marissa had already returned to Seth and Summer’s, now with pizza seeing as she knew Seth would probably be dining alone, she figured they could both use the company and she’d be able to wait for her best friend in the meantime. It was just after 9 when Marissa and Seth sat slumped on the couch sharing a bag of chips and watching reruns of an old sitcom when Summer walked through the door carrying her equipment.

"Hey Cohen I was thinking we should go early tomorrow and buy everything for the dinner, because you know everyone’s going to be doing their groceries at the very last minute." Summer said with shortened breath.

She dropped her keys off on the table and headed straight for the room to leave her equipment and entering the common area a minute later. "By the way, what time is your parents’ flight", she continued still unaware of Marissa’s presence until the blonde slowly rose from her seat and turned to face her.

"Hey", Marissa said benevolently with posture awkward and unconfident as she left the petite brunette dumbfounded.

"Hey…" Summer said softly as Seth just looked between both women back and forth like a game of Pong.

The two young women met each others gaze reading each other like an open book. It was dead silent except for the noise coming from the television; even Seth hadn’t moved out of fear he’d disrupt this vacuum he’d been sucked into. Their eyes were kind and understanding, and the two girls who’d known each other for most of their lives knew exactly what the other was thinking.

Neither had broken the silence until Summer finally did, "You know…we’re doing Christmas here this year and, well…Cohen’s not that handy in the kitchen…and I…I could really use someone to help me…" She finished as she bit her lip with uncertainty.

Marissa thought for a moment until a small smile crept up on her face, "We do make a good team…"

They both broke out into a fully fledged grin as they moved forward to greet each other in open arms, while Seth looked on completely bewildered at what just happened and furrowed his eyebrows. "That’s it?" He asked bluntly as Summer and Marissa broke apart now with salted tears on their cheeks, giggling at Seth’s comment. "This kind of makes me want my drawing back", he said jokingly as Marissa continued to laugh.

Now as the three of them collapsed in the Cohen-Roberts lounge room watching television, letting the past dissipate before them into the midst of the night, at least for tonight things looked hopeful.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 42

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 01:06:36 GMT

myHere it is, the chapter that should've been posted a long time ago. It's still rusty and hopefully I didn't leave too many grammatical errors behind, and with such a big occurences I don't know if I could do the follow-up post, justice but here it is. Let me know what you think...thanks again all.

The Rabbit Hole

***

Beep……beep……beep. The sound of life. The sound of Julie’s life from a heart monitor as it represents her internal activity, where for now she’s alive. Now in the cold and dark extract from the middle of the night she lays peacefully in a deep slumber. Marissa has been watching her, watching her for a couple of hours pushing her body to keep on and stay awake ever since the doctors came out to tell her, her mom’s condition had been stabilized; for the time being anyway. There had apparently been a rupture, the doctors were fortunate enough to put a halt to the bleeding, and Marissa could be nothing else but relieved.

Just like before, the halls remained dim as a couple of nurses on their night shift would occasionally roam the passageways. Marissa sat speechless on a seat and leant upon Julie’s bedside. She didn’t think she’d get the chance to even see her again, or not still breathing in any case. So as she watched the tiny blips on the screen she felt an extreme sense of gratitude even in her tired state. It was unnerving, how everything in life felt so insignificant as her mother was rushed to the hospital and all she cared about was if she’d remain to live another day.

Marissa yawned, her body trying to convince her to sleep as the energy in her body rapidly escaped and her appearance, with her disheveled hair and clothing, said it all. She looked at the time and told herself she could stay up a bit longer. Time; ever since Marissa found out about her mom she’d always been a lot more aware and conscious of time, and angered that people she trusted had lied to her for a good portion of it. Though, looking back upon the frailty of the woman who gave birth to her she now realized how much time she herself had let go to waste. She kept telling herself while all of the chaos was at full speed, that if her mom were to pull through this she would make some changes, she would try to make things right. When it came to the idea of having to make things right, Ryan was always at the top of her list. She wondered in the late hour what he was doing and if by some miniscule chance he would be thinking or possibly dreaming about her cities away.

The urgency of tonight just showed her how valuable time is, more than she ever gave it credit. "We think we can wait on things but we can’t…" she whispers to herself before looking back at Julie and reached for small strands of hair that were covering her mom’s delicate skin, swiftly moving it aside. Marissa takes a deep breath preparing to talk and to give her enough strength not to break out into tears; preparing to talk if only to give her some feeling she wasn’t alone right now.

"You know…maybe you can hear me and maybe not but…I guess it doesn’t matter", she began. "You know I remember when I think…I think I was maybe eight, nine even…you and dad were going to some…fancy party. I walked into your room and you sat at your dresser wearing this…beautiful, beautiful sparkling ivory dress. I thought it was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. So…you sat at your dresser putting on your earrings…and I walked in and I remember my eyes widening at the sight of all your make up...all strewn across the table", Marissa lightly chuckled to herself as she continued to relay the memory. "I rushed right over grabbing the first lipstick I saw and I was so eager I practically missed my lips and got it all over my mouth instead and you just…you smiled and you propped me up on your lap so I could see the mirror and so I wouldn’t feel bad you smeared your own lipstick and…we both just laughed at how silly we looked." Marissa exhaled another breath feeling the sense of nostalgia take hold of her heart, "You wiped it off me and told me you know…maybe when I get older…and I wished so much that I could grow up straight away…" she smiled but soon slowly fading. "Life was just a lot easier back then and I guess its just one of those things we take for granted. I used to be so eager for time to pass and now…I wish I could slow time down…slow it down and delay a few things if only for a while longer…" Marissa sighed as she uncrossed her legs and began rubbing her temples trying to unwind the growing ache. "I’m so sorry…for waiting this long…" she said softly into the confined space and muted air, continuing to talk and reminisce at times with her tears, at times held at bay, until she fell asleep still without having left her mom’s side.

***

Drip…drip…drip. The sound of small droplets as it fell from the kitchen sink; consistent with each beat, in sync with time. The apartment was eerily quiet, and the sound of water hitting the metal slowly, gradually grew louder and louder until his eyes flickered to a complete, wide-eyed standstill. It was the morning after. His head was still throbbing with pain which wouldn’t cease to subside for at least a few more hours. Just when he wished it could’ve all possibly been a dream, clothes, both males’ and females’, lay discarded carelessly on the floor. He suddenly jolted, turning on his side to find Sarah gone, but as he rubbed his temples in a forward motion his senses came to, and could make out the unmistakable noise of the creaking doorknob from the bathroom.

Footsteps slowly faded in the opposite direction, and minutes later she came into view with towel-dry hair and dressed in her work uniform. Ryan gathered his energy, got up and stood by his doorway as she put on her earrings in front of the hallway mirror. His mind was rapidly thinking of what to say but she saved him the trouble of making the first move.

"Good morning", she said directly.

"…uh…work?" It was all Ryan managed to mutter out.

"Yeah…early shift…" Sarah said indifferently, almost like last night didn’t happen, which he had to admit surprised him.

"You know about…about yesterday, or last night…I didn’t mean for…"

Sarah cut him off, knowing exactly what he was going to say, but she wouldn’t wear her heart on her sleeve on this particular morning. While facing him through the mirror, "Don’t torture yourself Ryan, last night was…I won’t lie…physically…amazing, but who are we kidding. It was a mistake, you know it, I know it…so let’s…leave it at that." She said with less than an ounce of emotion.

Ryan was definitely at a loss for words, he would’ve thought confronting Sarah would be a lot harder, but she seemed to take a lot of the load off of him and for that he was taken aback. "I just don’t want you to think it was…or that I’m…like that. I don’t just do…that."

"Ryan, look, I see it as two people that were just there for each other, it just wasn’t the right time. Are you going to tell her?" Sarah said as she now turned around and they were face to face.

"I…I guess…yeah…she has to know…I don’t have a choice."

"Ryan there’s always a choice, it’s just whether we make the right ones or not…I’ll see you…" She finished off as she grabbed her things and he watched her walk out of the apartment in silence, her words staying with him even after her departure.

He walked aimlessly around the empty apartment, the silence became deafening. The brief encounter with Sarah left him dumbfounded, not because she said something wrong, but because at the end of the day this silence and loneliness was all that was left behind after such a night. It was almost as if it didn’t happen and while he knew it meant nothing, it was the fact that this nothing would be the cause of his and Marissa’s relationship ending; and with that thought that he threw it all away on nothing, a new wave of anxiety and remorse flooded in.

As the water ran down fiercely the bathroom slowly began to fill with mist. He leant his head up against the tiled walls and envisaged the same person he wouldn’t be able to pry out of his mind. He envisaged all the burden yet all the joy that came with her entering his life, and like nothing at all, he turned and slid slowly all the way to the bottom; Ryan sat on the cold surface and just let himself go, let himself be, and let his insides fall to pieces on that morning after with the thought of her.

***

Ryan was a wreck to say the least. Letting the days sweep past him he’d hardly spent any time at the apartment, for being there just reminded him of the enormous mistake he’d made. No matter how many showers he took, no matter how many times he’d change the sheets on his bed, none of it would remove or shed an ounce of guilt. If anything, the more time he spent thinking about it, the more remorse he felt and fear of the inevitable moment when he would have to tell his girlfriend he’d had sex with another woman.

Today would mark the last day before Marissa’s expected return. The day felt exactly how winter should be, cold, miserable, dull and sullen, and his insides no different. He continued to walk in the San Francisco evening with his mind always on her and his heart always aching. Ryan stops at a secluded park, he takes a seat on a deserted bench that overlooks a small pond and watches the birds fly off as they sense the storm in the air. The crackle of thunder can be heard in the distance, it is faint, but soon enough he knows it will be near. He sighs a long and exhausting breath and envisages the look on her face when he comes clean; he knows it will be enough to shatter him. He pictures losing her and having to live a life without her for no doubt in his mind it would definitely be the end for them. It seemed like not too long ago they were getting back together on Christmas and now a year later he was counting down the minutes that passed which brought him closer to not being with her.

A tear that he had been holding in for so long managed to stray and leave a damp mark as it collided and slid down the surface of his cheek. Being all alone he needn’t explain it to anyone, but he knew the tear was for the shame, feeling sick to his stomach about what he’d done. The single tear was for having to break the heart of his best friend, for knowing he would lose the last ounce of trust Marissa had in him. As it edged off the tip of his jaw he knew it was for the moments he’d spent with her and the laughter and joys he’d miss when it would be time for her to leave him. It was one tear, but it meant far more than it was seemingly worth, and as it dropped off his skin and hit a small patch of his jeans it dissolved and like the meanings it encapsulated, it was gone.

He’d sat there for the longest time continuing to think about Marissa, the dark clouds had swooped in overhead and only as it plummeted to the earth harder did he decide to get up and leave. Walking the whole way home in the rain he felt only deserving of it and befitting of his mood. Ryan can’t help but wonder as he finds himself getting drenched in the rain where his girlfriend was right at that second; wondering if she was okay in Newport, and immediately gets hit by another pang of angst towards himself when he realizes that she would’ve had to be dealing with her mom when he’d been wallowing in self pity and messing up his relationship with Sarah at the same time.

***

In another apartment not too far away, the familiar couple sits immersed in their own thoughts at opposite ends of the room. "Where do you think he is now?"

"Huh?" Summer said confused as she looked up from an array of photographic prints scattered on their dining table.

"Ryan, I haven’t heard from him since last week…" Seth wondered as he flicked mindlessly through the television, unable to settle on a channel that could hold his attention. "Do you think he’s okay?"

"What?" Summer said in a daze, too caught up in her work right now.

"What are you doing?" He enquired noticing how unaware she was of the conversation they were supposed to be having.

"Sorry Cohen, I’m just sorting out all these prints I thought I’d lost…but you know, he’s probably just wanting some time to himself after what’s been happening between him and Marissa. I mean, we’re not really on better terms with her but it’s got to be harder on him I think…"

Seth scrunched his forehead, "You think? But not to not hear from him in almost a week even though I’ve tried calling him, I know the guy likes his space, it’s not really Ryan."

"Brooding alone in the dark and not wanting to see the world is not Ryan?" Summer asked rhetorically.

"Yeah but…I don’t know…"

"Well, if you’re really concerned Cohen give him another call, it wouldn’t hurt.."

***

She’s had days to think now and as she sits there with her cell phone in hand she knows exactly what she needs to do. Marissa anticipates patiently on the line hoping Ryan would be there to answer her call. Letting go of any pride she lets herself admit aloud how much she misses him and would give anything just to hear his voice right now. Enough time has been lost already and before its too late feels this need to start bridging the gap they’ve created between them. The phone continues to ring and goes unanswered and she leaves a message with no other option.

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

And you begin to wonder why you came

***

Ryan enters the apartment and is merely grateful that Sarah’s most likely at work and can be alone for another few hours. As he hangs up his keys he barely has time to take off his soaking jacket when he faintly hears a female voice in the background. Listening out carefully for it he realizes someone’s leaving a message on the answering machine which he thinks almost sounds like Marissa. Thinking he’s delusional he inches forward to better hear the caller and feels a grip on his esophagus when he comes to conclude it is unmistakably her sweet and soft voice on the line. Suddenly as he hears her speak he feels like his being is going to implode from how hearing her for the first time since, causes him an overwhelming sense of hatred for his own self.

‘I know I shouldn’t really be doing this over the phone but all I’ve been able to do here in Newport is think and its mostly me thinking about you. Ryan I know we’ve had our problems and I realize this is no different…I just…I miss you and I needed you to know that. Hopefully when I get back we can just…work it out…together this time…’

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

No sooner did he start hearing it did it end, and when he thought he couldn’t be more ashamed of himself he was wrong. The sincerity of her words were ripping at his heart and all he could feel was a never ending ebb and flow of guilt and misery. His mind began to ache and he could feel like the pressure in his temples would cause his head to convulse at any time now. Ryan felt this masochistic need to continue to replay the message, with each round enjoying the sound of her voice and with each round only fueling the angst he held inside.

***

‘I miss you…’ Like a sudden rush to his body he was jolted in a paralleled world where he snapped, picked up the answering machine and threw it with all his strength and might into a wall, letting it shatter and crumble as it fell in small pieces upon the floor.

Running his fingers fiercely through his scalp he turns, pulling his head back to face the ceiling, and only as he turns does he see Seth standing there by the entry in a silently kept shock after having left the door open. After only holding his gaze for a moment he was quick to tell him to get out.

"I’ve been trying to call you…" Seth said simply. "What’s the matter Ryan?"

"Nothing is the matter, and…I’ve been busy…" Ryan said coldly, knowing his anger was not meant for Seth, not meant for anyone really except for him alone.

"Busy, not talking to your girlfriend, and throwing answering machines across the room?" He said sarcastically as he raised an eyebrow, not intimidated by Ryan’s demeanor knowing there was probably so much more to the story than he would admit.

"Seth can you just leave me alone before I really…"

"Before you what?" Seth again answered bluntly with now fear wavering in his voice.

"Seth, I mean it, I need you to get out of here and just leave me the hell alone." Ryan said more forceful as the two young men seemed to be getting nowhere.

"Before you what…"

As Seth continued to push his buttons Ryan found himself leaping forward and grabbing his brother by his shirt collars and pinning him against the wall; his face showing of so much rage but Seth still never flinching.

"Don’t push me Seth!"

But Seth merely began to speak calmly even as Ryan threatened to break his spleen, "We haven’t heard from you in a week, you don’t answer or return calls, and now I come here after having been worried and see you not only not picking up Marissa’s calls but venting out some sort of frustration by slamming household appliances. I know you Ryan…even though you’re about ready to punch my head in you and I both know this isn’t about me and you know that…it’s about you…"

Ryan just stares at him and has a hard time even looking him in the eye as Seth relays the truth to him. He knew he wouldn’t have even thrown a punch at him and that all of this were a front to save him from having to deal with him, so after a long string of silence he loosens up the grip on his shirt and leaves him be before walking away. "I just need you to leave…please…" Ryan says softer no longer able to even face his friend and Seth felt no other choice but to adhere to his request, leaving the apartment and giving Ryan the desertion he craved.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 41

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 00:14:30 GMT

Thanks so much everybody for still secretly hoping I'd post again. This post is a chapter I forgot to transfer over but you would've all read anyway and the next new one will be posted straight after.

The Rise and Fall

She sat restlessly in her seat thousands of feet in the air as she let her gaze wander out of the small window only to watch the skies go past. Her mind was frozen but to no thought in particular but rather her life as a whole and she continued to sit with a deduced expression upon her face as the plane would take her from one energy draining experience to the next in which she was anticipating.

"Ma’am, would you like anything from the cart?" The stewardess said kindly as she pushed along an assembly of hot and cold beverages. "Ma’am?" She repeated after the girl sitting blankly hadn’t responded.

"Sorry?" Marissa said as she shook off her daze.

"Anything from the cart?"

"No, no, I’m sorry, I’m fine…thank you…" She quickly said trying to regain her sense of awareness and the flight attendant moved on.

Her mind must have been more pre-occupied than she thought. If only life would be so simple then they wouldn’t have to be in such a state. She thought back to their argument, and despite not being sorry for the things she said because she knew all it was, was the truth, but sometimes she wished that things could just fix themselves without having to go through the motions of fighting with each other. Marissa’s heart sinks at the image of him and having to just stop by his place only to leave a minute later that morning. To get past it all she thinks to herself and knows she’s going to have to just accept it and put it behind them, but if she’s going to start somewhere she guesses it’s got to be with her mom.

Suddenly a bell precedes a woman over the loudspeaker and she makes an announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, if you could all make your way back to your designated seats as we will shortly begin our descent into Orange County, thank you."

***

‘The man was who was in his late forties was quickly rushed to hospital where he died upon arrival.’
"The world sucks doesn’t it?" He said in a raspy voice, hollow, and emotionless.

"Excuse me?" Sarah asked bewildered as she came through the door, flinging her keys upon the side table and lazily kicking off her shoes.

"I mean, we’re all born, and if we’re lucky enough to not be murdered or have some life threatening disease and get to reach a ripe old age of say, eighty, we’re most likely to die alone in a house in which no one will find us of course for a good three weeks. The neighbors will start to notice your mail pile up and when finally someone does search your house they find you, they’ll take you in, hope that some family or friend will come in to claim knowing you. When that doesn’t happen they of course will just have a short and simple burial for you to make room for the next guy. The priest will say his final words and the caretaker will just stand there as your deteriorating body is taken into the ground where your remains will be finished off…" Ryan answers as he takes another swig of his beer.

Sarah’s forehead crinkled, continuing to look at him confused and completely confounded, "Wow…that was uh…graphic…I take it that’s your little soccer team of Budweisers talking…" She said referring once again to that ever growing pile of long-necks.

"What? This…this is nothing…"

"Right…" Sarah said eyeing him as she walked off in the direction of her room to get changed and return moments later in a tank top and shorts with her hair in a messy bun.

"Where’d you get back from anyway?" He enquired as she walked past him and into the kitchen bringing out another cold beer from the fridge for her to drink. "Oh good you can join me…"

"I had a short shift at work, a good few hours of old men tired of their wives trying to hit on the first thing with breasts that come their way…you’re right, life does suck…" She sighed as she took a seat on the couch adjacent to him. "Not only that…I bumped into Roy who conveniently forgot I worked there…"

"Yeah…what’d he want?" Ryan said as he flicked off the television with the remote and lay turned to lie down on the couch still with his Bud in hand.

"I don’t know…maybe he hasn’t been able to find anyone else to put up with his crap since we broke up…come to think it of it…doesn’t seem like I’ll find anyone else either…"

"You’ll find somebody…"

She shrugs him off, "What about you? We’ve got the rest of the day for you to tell me why you’re drowning yourself in beer and dark lighting…what’s your reason?"

***

"Marissa…" Julie slightly gasped as she saw her daughter standing by her doorstep.

"Hey…mom", she said softly as she kept her bags at her sides.

"Uh…hi…" she said weakly in return.

Julie was taken aback. It was quiet and only the waves in the background could be heard, they were at a standstill for a good few minutes, never breaking eye contact and almost as if they were trying to read each others’ thoughts. Both mother and daughter were rendered speechless, they didn’t know where to begin, what to say, how to feel; there just wasn’t enough time to be prepared, if you could have even been prepared.

Marissa could feel the tension in her head start to build up and the sight of her mother looking slightly worse than when she last saw her was causing her tears to ready themselves. After what was literally the longest time she just came out with the first thing that came to her, "I hate that you kept this from me…" Marissa exhaled softly as if that last breath just deflated the last of her energy.

Julie could only offer her a half smile and nodded, "I know…" she replied as she took a step back and grabbed one of Marissa’s carry-on luggage and invited her in.

She stepped inside and left her things by the entry way and Julie trailed of towards the kitchen and set the kettle to boil. Marissa walked in the same direction where they stood face to face at opposite ends of the counter.

"I’m still angry, I’m still hurt, and just after finding out that you’d been lying to me I find out that my closest friends in the world were keeping your secret too…" Marissa began. "This past month has been…tiring, and that’s an understatement. I’ve found myself not being able to talk to you, talk to Summer or Seth, talk to Ryan…and it kills me..."

"Marissa it wasn’t something I wanted you to find out from anyone else but me…"

"Or was it something you really didn’t want me to find out until it was too late…" Marissa took a deep breath trying so hard to keep her tears at bay for just a little bit longer. "You’re my family, you, Kaitlin, at the end of the day…you’re my family, we’re all we have left…and it would’ve been nice if you knew that you could depend on me, it would’ve been nice if you could’ve just put a little more trust in me; someone strong enough to help you get through this."

Marissa’s words struck Julie’s heart and she looked to her hands, seeing the fine lines and wrinkles that have formed through her years, she noticed they were pale, in need of a manicure, where not too far back she would have never let her fingernails get into such an unpolished state, and it made her think, "You know…I really don’t know…I don’t know how much time I have left, and I don’t blame you if you hate me for what I did or didn’t do, and maybe it was selfish and I just didn’t think enough before I acted upon it, but the idea of having to tell you or Kaitlin…I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to spend whatever time I had left watching you girls worry about me. I love and look forward to when you visit. We weren’t always on speaking terms…"

"God only knows how many deck chairs suffered because of it…" Marissa said with the tiniest hint of a smile trying to lighten the mood.

"So when you’d visit I enjoyed our talks, just the little things, your life now, getting a good education, having good friends around you, it’s all I ever wanted for you. When you’d tell me about the new people you meet, or having gotten back together with Ryan, after your trip to New York…you were…happy, and I just didn’t want to take that from you. I didn’t want things to change. I was afraid if I told you, you’d see me differently, you’d be too conscious of what was physically happening to me to be able to continue and enjoy your life. I mean I think the only reason you’re not yelling at me like I would’ve expected you to do is because something is wrong with me and you’d feel guilty."

"You still should’ve told me…I may have had to carry the thought of you dying wherever I went, but having to sacrifice for things and people you love just comes with the territory. You did it for me and I just needed you to have enough faith that I would’ve been okay doing it for you…I would’ve rather known for the longest time that, that day may be your last, than being blissfully ignorant until the very end and suddenly have it all come down…"

***

"So that’s how she found out…and now…now I don’t know, we’re on some sort of a break while she’s gone home to Newport for a week…" Ryan explained as he proceeded to stare at the ceiling and the alcohol’s effects slowly creeping in .

"You’re on a break?" Sarah enquired.

"Maybe, I really don’t know what to call it…It’s just been one big mess since she found out."

"Have you continued to try talking to her about it?

"She’s hasn’t really been one for talking, or anything else for that matter. Marissa just hasn’t been herself lately…she’s distant…she doesn’t really want to see me. Every time we do see each other we end up in awkward silences or an argument. I can’t blame her though…" He says regretfully as he goes back to reflecting upon what’s become of their relationship for weeks now.

"I don’t know, I mean stop me if I’m overstepping my mark here but…I think she should cut you and your friends a little slack, especially you. From what I hear, you were just trying to keep her from having to suffer through this whole thing and she’s kind of…just thrown it back in your face."

Ryan had to slightly struggle to get to his feet and lazily walked towards the refrigerator, "Marissa has been through a lot and I guess I feel…like its my responsibility to protect her, but I understood what she meant by needing me to see she’s capable of a lot…"

Sarah continued to listen as he came back and tapped her on the shoulder with the tip of another beer bottle before going back to sit in his place, "So…I mean, does that make you feel…I mean, how does it make you feel? That idea that she doesn’t really need you?" She said choosing her words almost insinuatingly.

Ryan was slightly taken aback as he barely even stopped to think that all this may be about her not needing him, and the thought of her not needing him at all, was something he hadn’t really fathomed beforehand. "I’m sure…that’s not what she’s really saying…" He said, more so to convince himself but now not really succeeding.

"I just kind of think Ryan that she failed to at least show some sort of gratitude that whatever you did only had her in mind…" She trailed off as Ryan sat on that thought for a good series of moments. "I mean I’m not an expert on relationships but from what you’ve told me, I think relationships need to be a two way street and you need to find a compromise somewhere in resolving mistakes you’ve made and not just put entirely on the shoulders of one person…"

"No…I mean…I see your point…" Ryan concluded.

***

The two Cooper women proceeded to be at a crossroads as they stood with the kitchen bench still the divider between them. Julie kept a grip on her warm cup of tea as if clutching something in her hand afforded her some sense of stability. "No matter how many times we go back and forth Marissa, no matter how many times I apologize, it is something I can never change…"

"You’re expecting me to move on and forget about it like it didn’t happen…" Marissa answered as she slid tiredly on one of the bench stools.

"Marissa…I’m not expecting you to forget, but I would hope that you’ll eventually be able to make a choice. You can accept what’s happened for what it is, deal with it and move on, or you can continue to be angry…at me, your friends…Ryan, or the world. But Marissa, the anger only stops you from living and I don’t want that for you, and I don’t want you to want it for yourself…" Julie explained as she felt her heart growing weary; emotionally or physically, it was hard to tell these days.

Marissa intertwined her two hands and faced downward as if in prayer. "Everything I have come to know for the past year has been all fabricated for me, and with everything I’ve just found out about you…I’m supposed to move on and get on with it, and suddenly just get used to the idea you’ve got something in you that may not let you see through a year from now. So what do you do? How do you even begin?" She asked openly. "Could you do what you’re now asking me to do?"

Julie just looked at her again stumped and looked to the swirling patterns created by the surface of her tea in a combination of liquid and light. It almost looked like a vortex, a place to enter and go back in time. When she thought of time she thought back to who she was at Marissa’s age and if she could do what she expects her daughter to do.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

***

"Besides…what would I know…like I said, I’m going to end up all alone at the rate I’m going…" Sarah said almost inducing self pity.

"Sarah, I’ve told you over and over you’re not going to end up alone…" Ryan smiled.

Sarah shook her head, "You know today when Roy came in…as pathetic as this sounds…a really small part of me was hoping he was there to try and get back together with me…"

"I thought you said…"

"I lied…he came in with some woman…even he can find someone else…" She scoffs.

"Sarah I think you’re far better off alone than with that guy." Ryan said reassuringly.

"You think so?" She asked.

"Absolutely", he answered as he sat up and patted the spot right next to him for her to come over and she willingly obliged.

Making herself comfortable his arm was slung behind her and his rough fingertips barely touching her shoulders and she could feel a spark through her spine at his slightest touch. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me Ryan…I make all the wrong choices. I’ve dated all the wrong men. I somehow get myself in all sorts of situations and sometimes I think if it weren’t for you I don’t know where I’d be…" She said sweetly and took the opportunity to rest her head upon his shoulder and when he didn’t shrug her off she took it as a sign it would be okay to remain there.

"Sarah I don’t know how many times I have to tell you how beautiful you are and any man would be lucky to have you…" He said kissing atop of her head.

"Why can’t I just find someone caring and affectionate, understanding…someone like you…" She said softly as she looked up into his eyes and for the two of them that moment got lost in a haze and froze still.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace

Their eyes connected and in their beings that sat vulnerable and inhabited by the alcohol Ryan looked down at her weary eyes and her into his saddened ones. Intoxicated and both thrown into a state of emotional instability they looked to each other and somehow saw a sense of understanding between them. He looked at her and saw a look of returned affection he hadn’t seen in weeks. Confused and not in a perfect frame of mind he looked downward upon her porcelain skin and her lips became a thing of admiration. He welcomed the comfort a woman beside him brought as the cold confrontations he’s had with Marissa had left him feeling rejected. Looking at Sarah with his arm draped across her shoulder she turned to better face him and her lips became an object of desire, unable to think straight his only thought in that second was what it would be like if he were to fuse his own with it. Like a sudden jolt they pressed forward inwardly to each other and the tension that had built up had closed in as they were no longer left to imagine and he found himself in returning Sarah’s physical embraces.

When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

***

"If ever there was a next time…how do I know you’ll think better of me then?" Marissa asked painfully as her slight shakes of the head continued to show she didn’t have the answers and this matter, could it be so easily resolved…

Julie clutched her heart and began taking deep breaths. The life inside of her felt unstable and the room throbbed inwardly as it began to feel smaller and take away the air she was searching for. Using her other arm as support upon the counter she tried to keep herself upright as she panted sharp breaths as suddenly Marissa looked up wide eyed and panicked.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"Mom!" Marissa said as she got to her feet straight away and Julie slipped collapsing on the floor with Marissa a second too late to catch her; the cup of tea she clutched dispersed in shattered pieces on the floor as the liquid created an unstoppable trail within its radius.

***

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go

Both feeling alone and suddenly enraptured in the ability to capture another’s affection, their breaths grew heavy as his lips would collide with hers mercilessly. The alcohol was taking their effect and turned their melded world into an alternate domain of euphoria. It was human nature to want and seek out warmth from another and after being thrown into the icy realities between him and Marissa, Sarah’s touch upon him was like a much needed blanket. He felt wanted, needed, and desired. Her fingers ran with passion now slowly snaking around his body as they turned to better position themselves in front of each other. Ryan’s being was torn into two, in a daze part of him knew something wasn’t right, but the other part could not be reprimanded and called to a halt and no sooner did he find himself peeling off her top and using his rough hands to grasp her slender and toned waist to pull her closer.

But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

***

The urgency and the chaos around her, the sight of her mother on the stretcher needing so desperately to be fed oxygen, the afternoon quickly turned so dark and the situation before her a whirlwind speeding to fast she was soon to be caught in its vacuum. The red lights continued to spin and Marissa followed as her mother was taken into the ambulance, the oxygen mask and tubes networked and weaved around her, revealing how truly frail Julie was it had Marissa choked up at the image of her. The tears were creating a blur in her vision as she sat by her side as the ambulance officers tended to her she looked on helpless with a million things on her mind. Every second thought was hoping she was okay, every thought in between is all the things she would fix in her life if her mom were to pull through this. The ambulance pulled out onto the street and sped hastily for the hospital.

Lights will guide you home

***

The heat in the air grew thick and Ryan found himself tearing item after item off of Sarah’s body and flinging it to the floor. Laying beneath him in her underwear she took to work on removing the shirt upon his skin and was only wanting more after feeling the rippled surface of his torso. He hovered over her as they both now lay on the couch in a compromised position as they continued to explore each other’s mouths with their palettes. Still in this other universe they wanted more, he got to his feet and picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and grasped her thighs and leaded her to the bedroom. She left soft kisses along his collarbone and tasted the sweat in the crook of his neck just before he threw her down and her on her back against the mattress. He climbed over her as she made fast work of the belt on his jeans and slid down the zipper increasingly heated and eager.
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

***

Julie’s stretcher was pushed quickly through the winding corridors as Marissa ran with tears in her eyes struggling to keep up. The cold lighting flooded the halls and in the sterility of it Marissa couldn’t feel more alone as she watched her mother being taken away further and further. She had made it to the end until a ward had told her not to go any further and as she saw her mom’s body being reeled in past a set of double doors she pushed past the nurses but disapprovingly restrained herself as she stood on her tip toes and watched through the small windows, a series of doctors working around her in frantic desperation. Her head felt light and she took a step back using her hands behind her to find something to hold onto until she found her fingers touching the solidity of the wall and slid down to the grown against it crying like there would be no tomorrow.

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

***

Ryan found himself doing the unthinkable when his and Sarah’s naked bodies collided in union in the darkness of the late afternoon. In ecstasy she left subtle marks on his back from clutching onto him tightly and each of his thrusts forced her to call out his name and though he could hear her he felt detached from his own body. The rise and fall of their hips together was an act of pure lust and even though he had an attractive woman beneath him for his pleasure it rather seemed almost as if his spirit watched his physical being make what could have possibly been one of the biggest mistakes of his life yet.

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

***

She lay awake with her eyes darkened from all her tears she cried as she now sat alone much later that night in the waiting room where she’d been for hours without any news about her mom, refusing to leave until they would come out to give her any. The lights were dimmed as visiting hours were long gone and only the nurses from the graveyard shift were out. Marissa kept her knees huddled and hadn’t even realized she’d been rocking back and forth in her seat endlessly as she shut her eyes and bowed her head to do the only thing she could think to do…pray.

***

It was now surely to be after midnight as Sarah continued to lay beside him with her back turned and facing the other way with their bodies still only wearing the sheets. They both fell asleep not long after what they had done but Ryan now lay awake alone with the throbbing pain in his head since then. His body could just break down at any moment, unable to see straight as the hangover had already started to settle. Though through all of which he couldn’t do because of what the alcohol was continuing to do to him, it felt like someone ordered him penance in which he was able to remember everything that he had just done within the past several hours. The unmistakable deed that was sure to end his relationship with the only girl he’s ever loved, unable to release to the searing pain from his head and haunting images of her from his mind.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Song / Fix You by Coldplay

A million years later...

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 23:49:17 GMT

Oh god I'm like the worst ever. I don't have any excuses for not being around other than being busy with uni and things in general. I've had multiple posts ready for a while and never got around to posting them. I think when my viewing of the show decreased to not watching it at all, I lost interest and got over it but in the back of my head I desperately wanted to finish this fic because I've mapped out exactly where it would head since its beginning. The biggest apology I could ever make to people who've been wondering where I went and where this story went. I'm going to start posting again and hopefully someone will be out there to read it. If someone is out there, I'd love it if you could drop a line so I know you are and to help me see if this story is worth finishing.

Ok that's pretty much it, I'll post again soon.

Andy

Through the Rain / Chapter 40

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 01:45:50 GMT

'The Glass House'
***</font>
"I’ll be gone a week and…it’s not long but I thought, maybe, this time will do us some good you know…at least just give us a bit of time to breathe and take it all in…get some perspective…" Marissa said with a small yet uncertain smile. He stood there silently with another nod, and as she gently brushed his shoulder in the same way a friend would, he could see the hesitation as if she hadn’t even wanted to touch him, before she turned and walked out of his apartment.
***
The dews came in pressured spurts. The drops of water would hit the surface and the force created miniscule splashes like tiny fireworks. The mist created a haze but it was soothing and the consistent fall would lull you into a hypnotic state. The solitude under the water afforded her time to think and her mind pulled back to reflect upon the previous night.
"Hey", he said cautiously as their eyes burn into the others’.
She offers him a weak smile, "Hey," she answered.
"Did I wake you?"
"No, uh no, I was up and Kyle’s, Kyle’s at Ethan’s."
He nods and finds it harder to speak to her with each passing second. "I’m sorry to just drop by. I…uh…"
Marissa didn’t have to wait for him to finish that sentence before she knew what he was after, so she just stepped aside to let him in. A pile of laundry scattered across the lounge as Marissa walks back to finish tidying it up. Ryan closed the door behind him and was left to stand awkwardly by the entrance.
The water absorbed into her skin providing it with moisture, the droplets would trickle down her back creating invisible maps on its contour. She remembered his face as he stood there, cautious and afraid of the reaction he’d get. A part of her knew she shouldn’t have let him in but part of her knew it was never easy or near impossible to just shut the door on Ryan.
The room fell muted and both their hearts felt heavy as she continued to immerse herself in her chores just waiting for something to break the silence.
After the longest time the hurt in his eyes set his sights upon her, "Is this how it’s always going to be?" He finally came out and said.
The wind blew in the background but she could still hear it despite being under the downfall from up above. She could almost just close her eyes and hear his voice calling out to her. She was pained at the sight of him; he always had this strong effect on her. To her, he was someone she could be madly in love with but so bitter with at the same time. She missed the times they would just exist together, but lately she just couldn’t bring herself to let it all go and be left to melt away in the sun. The gray overhead told her it just didn’t work that way.
She was taken slightly aback and quickly glanced up at him and just as fast looked back down. "What is ‘this’ exactly?"
"Come on Marissa, you know what I mean…’this’." He responded as his eyes glazed over her luggage that was positioned right by him. "’This’, where you have a stack of bags packed by the door of which means you must be going somewhere in which you probably wouldn’t have told me."
The drops dab her forehead as she keeps her head upward. If only the water could wash it all away. If only it could carry the pain and the regret through the drain and just...drain.
She bit her lip and picked up another shirt to fold, "I’m going to Newport. I decided I needed to go back. I spoke to Kirsten and she told me my mom’s going into hospital and not doing so well…but I guess you knew that…"
Ryan walked up to the edge of the couch as it now stood directly between them, "Can you just stop for a second, please?"
Their relationship now felt like a tangled web, it was suffocating, weaving in and out until the knots would build up. She couldn’t just talk to him. Her words would always come out in a way she didn’t want them to, but her heart always pushed her for it to come out the way it had. The truth was what they needed and as she put it out into the open air, she wished each word wouldn’t hurt so much to say and wouldn’t hurt him so much to hear.
She lightly throws down whatever she had in her hands into a basket, "I’ve stopped…now what?"
"Marissa we made a mistake…I made a mistake, and I wish I could take it back but I can’t. You’re angry and you’re hurt and I wish you could talk to me…and just stop shutting me out all the time." Ryan spoke as his voice began to grow more intense.
She sighed and combed her fingers against her scalp, "What do you want me to say? You lied to me…and it’s not just that you lied…it’s the way you look at me which then caused you to lie…" Marissa said as a tear began to burn through and run down her reddened cheeks and she knew once she would begin bearing her soul there was no turning back.
Marissa lets the last of the water fall from the showerhead before she turns it off and lets the excess drops gather and flit through the pipes. As she grabs her towel she wraps it around herself and steps out.
***
It was hard not being able to speak to the person you would think you could say almost anything to; almost anything. I guess that was the problem. Marissa continued to leave his calls unanswered and unreturned, and after that awkward lunch at the park Ryan really only ever began to see her if he was lucky enough to bump into her at school. His evenings became a monotonous repetitive cycle, if he hadn’t any work to left, he’d be trying to get in contact with her, and when that didn’t work he would kick back with a few beers with Sarah trying to figure out what to do. It pained him, she and what they have become began to tear away at him in only a way that these things could. Physical scars he could take, but the slow bruising on the inside was reaching boiling point. It was only a matter of time before it would erupt.
He walks through the finely lit apartments in the cold December air, his boots trudge against the slick pavement from the light drizzle earlier; a teaser really for what was threatening to come down as he looked to the heavens. The elevator is on his way to take him up to her level and he waits in the confined silence as he wishes he could just find the right words to say to her.
‘Ding.’ It comes to a halt and the cold metal doors slide open and welcome him to a dimly lit and long hallway.
A lot of the words they said to each other just never came out the way they planned it to. He stands firm against the tiles and he wishes the thick lather of soap on his body could just cleanse the internal decay he felt and start over. Ryan remembered her frail looking figure without sleep as she came into view last night at her apartment. That image right there was enough to send him into this incessant need to just hold her. He thought back to what they said to each other after the awkward silences. What she said still resided within him and instead of having gone over there to make it better, it only felt worse.
She sighed and combed her fingers against her scalp, "What do you want me to say? You lied to me…and it’s not just that you lied…it’s the way you look at me which then caused you to lie…"
"I thought I was protecting you…I wanted to protect you."
"I have made a lot of wrong choices and I can admit that…but Ryan I’m not fifteen anymore, and this is not the same person that wished her parents weren’t getting a divorce. I’ve gone through all the things I’ve gone through and I’m still standing here at the end of the day but still nobody sees that…you don’t see that."
"Don’t you see that it’s because you’ve gone through all those things that I find myself always trying to shield you from anything and everything."
He welcomed the therapeutic needle effect the pulses of water produced upon his back. His head hung low and all her words would just repeat over and over in his head. It was mind-numbing and whether his eyes were closed or wide open he saw her face and remembered exactly how she looked.
"I don’t need you to protect me! If something happens I need you by my side, not covering my eyes!" She cried out.
"I don’t need you to protect me!"
"I need you by my side, not covering my eyes!"
"…not covering my eyes!"
Her words had slammed into his chest.
After the long stillness in the night she spoke up in a solemn voice, "Sometimes I wonder if that’s all it is. Is it really always about protecting me? Are you ever afraid of having to deal with me, you know…"
He looked up at her and didn’t even think that she could conclude to that. History doesn’t inspire much confidence but his intention was never to keep it from her as a means of avoiding having to be ‘deal’ with her as she put it. "No…no…that’s not it…"
The tear-stained face made his heart break, and underneath the crimson hues he saw a type of deduced look on her face he’d only ever seen once before that resembled it.
"You spent all last year trying to drag me down, now her?!"
Everything just felt like one big mess all ready to collapse if it hadn’t already.
"I don’t know what else I can say Marissa. I’m always going to want to protect you, that’s just who I am."
"I get that Ryan, I get it, but not from myself and not from something like this…She’s dying and you all kept that from me just to try and save me…from myself. Anything that I do will never be good enough will it, because I’m running out of ways to show you that I’m not what I used to be. I thought you saw that, but you still haven’t…"
Rinsing off the excess soap from his hair he turned the knob as the shower came to a halt. Ryan stood there leant forward upon the glass as the fog began to settle. He used his towel to wipe the residue upon his body before wrapping it around his waist. As he heard a faint knock on the door he tried his best to get clothed as quickly as possible.
"Coming, hang on a sec…" He called out as he hastily rubbed the towel through his hair before flinging it on his table and making his way out.
He opened up his apartment door to find Marissa standing there with a purse hung on one shoulder. "Hi…" She said meekly.
He was surprised to find her there after their previous night, "Hey…"
"Sorry to just…stop by like this…I’m leaving for Newport this morning." Marissa said hesitantly.
"Yeah…I know…" Ryan said quietly still unsure as to why her sudden visit.
"I wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened, how things came out last night."
Ryan just shook his head, "You don’t have to, really."
"I was thinking, we just seem to be eating at each other and it’s not…it’s not…I guess I’m just hoping we wouldn’t be but…well…"
All Ryan could do was nod and simply express an ‘I know’.
"I’ll be gone a week and…it’s not long but I thought, maybe, this time will do us some good you know…at least just give us a bit of time to breathe and take it all in…get some perspective…" Marissa said with a small yet uncertain smile. He stood there silently with another nod, and as she gently brushed his shoulder in the same way a friend would, he could see the hesitation as if she hadn’t even wanted to touch him, before she turned and walked out of his apartment.

If I don’t say this now I will surely break
As I’m leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby

She left him so many times in that state of paralysis; he wasn’t exactly sure what it all meant for their relationship. She’d only be gone a week but everything that came falling down since the previous night all just felt up in the air. The Marissa he knew inside of her seemed to have turned away, leaving only a semblance of his old girlfriend. He could hear the footsteps grow softer as it walked down the stairs, he heard a small laugh and imagined the worst when he ridiculously thought it could’ve been Marissa; happily walking off until it faded away. Still facing the front door to his place he could feel a tear start to burn as he blinked it to keep it at bay.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be My Baby
I’ll look after you

In the midst of the passing cars downstairs and sounds of the city, he missed her as his feet were glued to those floorboards. He wished the sweet kisses he remembered wouldn’t be so unaffectionate, that the laughter wouldn’t have become so morbid and transfigured into vacant expressions. He felt their time together was spent in idle conversation, awkward silences, and a general feeling of her not wanting to be around him, and these two minutes of his life were no different. The lack of trust and faith had torn at the seams of their relationship.
***
She stared back at him unsure of what else she should do. After what she had just said there was uncertainty amongst them. She wanted things to go back to how they were but she couldn’t bring herself to just lean in and kiss him goodbye in the same way she would; they just weren’t at that place right now. She hesitated as to whether she should lean in and kiss him on the cheek but she opted for a gentle stroke of his arm, wanting so desperately that he would pull her in towards him, wanting to hold onto him as their skins touched and she felt a shiver shoot through her arm, but after no response from him she could do nothing more but walk out of that apartment.

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby

She walked down the stairs almost tripping as she ran into a girl one floor down who sat out in the hallway laughing into the cordless phone she propped between her ear and shoulder as she blew on her freshly painted nails. Walking down the rest of the way until she got to her cab, she looked back up as she stood on the sidewalk and watched the curtain blow in his apartment window. She still loved him, but right now the lack of trust and faith had torn at the seams of their relationship...

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I’ll look after you

The vehicle took her away and he watched by his window as she left his sight.
***
Song / Look After You by The Fray

Through the Rain / Chapter 39

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 00:30:01 GMT

'The Words Unspoken'

***

Looking for something ive never seen
Alone and im in between
The place that im from and
The place that im in
A city ive never been
I found a friend or should i say foe
Said just a few things you should know
We dont want you to see
We come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow

***

San Francisco was being dressed again for another season of Christmas on the horizon. Store-fronts would be adorned in bows of red and the festive lights were glisten through the streets. It should've been a time for happiness but there was something off balance about how those few weeks panned out since that fateful Monday when the truth had finally unraveled. Marissa had just become emotionally spent that she hadn’t even invested any energy into arguing with them. Any anger and frustration she had pent up she held inside of her; she kept it inside, mainly because regardless of what they said or anything she could’ve yelled at them it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change anything they did and what had already passed, it wouldn’t change any inevitable truths, so she figured…what’s the point? Her emotional detachment became hard on everyone though, especially Ryan.

Thanksgiving was…bearable. Julie was a no show and Marissa hadn’t been able to bring herself to go back, but called Kirsten once since then just to see how her mother was. After Thanksgiving, any time she spent with either of them became to decrease noticeably. The amount of trust she placed in her friends and her boyfriend seemed to dissolve rapidly without her control. There was this unspoken bitterness she held despite trying to put herself in their shoes. If she was ever there with them, she was never really there at all; pretending everything could just go back to normal was all it could ever be…just pretending.

They continued to walk along the boarded walkway of the San Francisco wharfs. It was evening and there was a pleasant cool breeze in their midst. The extended group of six had decided to go out for dinner and a movie when they decided to take a leisurely walk afterwards. I guess you could call it a triple date, Kyle and Ethan walked hand in hand behind Seth and Summer, whereby Seth kept his arm around the petite brunette, and Ryan and Marissa, well Ryan and Marissa trailed behind all four of them, barely sharing the same space.

“Ooh look!” Summer squealed as they approached a man with a vendor that was surrounded by a forest of floral bouquets

“Hey, how about some flowers for your girlfriend there son”, the rather stock man with a beaming smile encouraged as Summer already began picking out her bunch off the cart and Seth gave her a playful scrunch of his face.

“How much do I owe you?”

“Only fifteen dollars”, he answered as Seth offered him a twenty and got back his change.

“Aw, thanks Cohen”, she smiled as she proudly carried her white camellias.

“You too son?” The man repeated to Ethan as he readied a small bunch of roses for Kyle.

“Well, I guess I don’t really have a choice now do I”, he laughed.

“Thanks babe”, Kyle said as she kissed him on the cheek.

Not surprisingly it was now Ryan and Marissa who actually tried to steer a little away from the man, knowing the state of their relationship.

“Now that’s not fair, all three pretty ladies should get one”, he frowned playfully which made Marissa politely smile.

“That’s okay…” She said softly as the other two couples tried their hardest not to look at the awkwardness of the situation but couldn’t help but stare.

“Uh...do you…” Ryan stuttered as he looked between Marissa and the short man who was rapidly losing his hair. His heart was racing and didn’t really know what to make of this scene he was placed into.

“You don’t have to”, Marissa said as she turned back to carry on with her walking. She picked a strand of hair off her face and from that the two couples plus Marissa kept walking along the pier while Ryan briefly stayed back and decided to get her one.

“Good man, good man”, the vendor said before Ryan took the flowers and went to catch up to them.

“Marissa…” Ryan called out as he approached her with stems of daffodils in hand.

“Hey watch it!” Marissa cried back as a teenager on a bike was coming full speed in his direction. Ryan instinctively swerved but accidentally let go of the flowers in between his almost accident.

It was only a second later he realized and looked down to find the huddle of yellow daffodils on the floor; the petals trodden on by the marks of the bicycle wheels. The couple looked down and couldn’t help but stare at the deduced flowers. “I’m sorry, I’ll get you-“

“No, don’t…don’t worry about it”, she said with a small bite of her lip and stood there waiting for him to catch up to her. “You okay?” She was kind enough to ask.

“I’m sorry about…” He said apologetically as he kept his hands tightly in his pockets, holding onto some remorse for what just happened.

“Ryan…” she said stopping him once more.

“Yeah…I’m okay…”

“And don’t worry about it…” Marissa finished as she looked back out to boardwalk behind them having left the bouquet behind until she finally looked back one last time on their journey to see they’d become a small yellow speck in the distance they covered, unable to help but feel the irony of it all.

***

Were only taking turns
Holding this world
Its how its always been
When youre older, you will understand

***

That was one of the better nights they spent together. Ryan was at the worst receiving end during this time, and everybody who knew them, saw it. Physically Marissa would be there, but the warmth, the laughter, and the comfort, it all just seemed to be fading. The embraces turned cold, stale, or ultimately, non existent. He wanted so desperately for her to talk to him, but it wasn’t the time and he knew that’s not what she would’ve wanted right now or she would’ve done it already. The hand-holding became a rarity, it was like holding hands as children when boys and girls still held the belief that the opposite sex carried an impending virus. If he wasn’t with her, which was now rather frequently, he was thinking about her. If he was asleep, he was dreaming about her, and if he was with her…things wouldn’t ever turn out as he planned.

They sat together along a park bench as she agreed to meet him for lunch early in the afternoon. They sat in silence as Marissa quietly kept her legs crossed and ate her sandwich. The fresh white buds off the trees continued to fall like snowflakes, as the wind preyed on their frailty. Ryan looked to a spot on the earth for lack of anything else to keep his focus on. All he kept thinking about was the distilled silence, the constant muted sounds and only the ambience in between. It was filled with tension, filled with all these things they could and probably should say to each other, but wouldn’t. After what was literally the longest time, his hoarse voice quivered lightly, “It’s getting cold…” he said with having to resort to talk about the weather.

“Yeah…” she just agreed blandly.

‘That was pathetic’, he reprimanded himself silently as the pair went back to that unwavering silence. “Are you cold?” He asked as he tried to follow up the last thing he said with something even remotely better.

“I’m fine”, Marissa answered as she took a sip out of her tea.

“I haven’t seen you in a couple of days, have you been busy?” He enquired casually.

“Yeah I guess so…”

“You’ve had work?”

She sighed, “The other day…”

He fiddled with his straw as he would play around with what was left of his orange juice, “And work…how’s that?”

“Work’s fine…” she continued to answer monotonously.

“That’s…that’s good”, he managed to say as he found it hard to respond to her lack of responses. “What else has kept you busy?”

“A lot actually”, Marissa said with her voice starting to show her slight irritation with his incessant questions.

“Like what?” He asked with a half smile.

“Just stuff okay, just stuff”, she raised her voice unexpectedly as he was caught off guard.

“What’s the matter with you?” He answered as he retaliated as their voices transcended into the open air of the secluded area.

“No, what’s the matter with you?”

“I’m just trying to ask how you’ve been. I haven’t seen much of you if you hadn’t noticed…”

“I’ve said I’m fine Ryan…”

“Okay, so why are you trying to jump down my throat?”

She just shook her head unable to talk to him and unable to share the same space she began packing her things without a word.

“Marissa…Marissa would you just stop! Just for one second…” He said wide eyed and aggravated as to why she had to be so on edge with him.

“I’ll see you later…” She replied as she took hold of her belongings and walked away with her feet trudging against the small dandelions.

***

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me
We dont give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me
We dont have honesty
The things we dont want to speak
Ill try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

***

He hated this wall between them, but he understood why it was there. If there was ever anything that went wrong in their relationship it always came down to a matter of faith and trust. After their ups and downs, and that long night trying to finally put things like Trey behind them, something different, something worse, managed to come along and divide them. It was different, her anger and frustration with Seth and Summer, as opposed to how she was with him. He knew that if it was one person they could count on it would be each other, because for such a long time whether or not they fought it always felt like him and Marissa against the world; though a lot of the time when they’re trying so hard to protect each other, they end up damaging their relationship instead.

“I’m assuming you’re screening me, but I’m just calling, hoping you’re okay…” Ryan said as he hung up the receiver for the millionth time at his apartment and he just sat back on the lounge after not having seen her on campus or having spoken to her in days.

“No luck huh?’ Sarah asked as she held two beers in her hand and handed one over to him as he just shook his head in response. “Maybe you guys just need some time, maybe some space…” Continuing as she took a seat next to him.

Ryan sighed, “I don’t know…maybe…”

“Have you tried going over to her place?” She asked as she could only observe the worn look dressed upon his face, his body slumped and resigned.

“Yeah, her roommate says she’s not there but…I know she is…” He answers monotonously.

“It’s all a learning experience Ryan…you’re too hard on yourself…”

“Maybe…”

“Not ‘maybe’, you are…just take things as they come, you’ll get through it.” Sarah said as they both took another sip of their liquor, patting him supportively on the shoulder. “So, anything you want for dinner?”

He smiled, something he hadn’t been known to do lately, “Why, are you cooking?”

She laughed, “No, I’m ordering though, it’s almost the same…”

“Anything you want, its fine…”

“Okay…” She smiled as she ruffled his hair slightly before getting up off her seat.

“And Sarah…” He said suddenly as he looked up at her.

“Yeah?” Sarah turned back.

“Thanks…” Ryan said simply.

“For what?” She asked as she walked over to the window sill grabbing a vase of wilted flowers with its water having turned a murky shade of green.

“Just…being a friend…”

Sarah gave him a small smile as she took away the dying floral arrangement as the petals continued to cascade lazily in a downward spiral.

***

It hadn’t just been Ryan and Marissa’s relationship that was struggling. The other two had their fair share of uncomfortable run-ins. The days, the events, the feelings, all became this vicious and repetitive cycle. When it came time for those classes any of them shared with Marissa, going by their attitudes it was as if they barely knew each other; it wasn’t the look of people who had shared the toughest years of their lives together; rather just the look of casual acquaintances that offer the polite smile in passing. Seth would continuously leave a space free beside him for Marissa to sit, but all he got would be uncomfortable waves and would have to watch her proceed to another row.

For the girls, it was hard being without or being in this state of limbo with your best friend, at least that’s how Summer saw it. She would relay all of the choices they made and couldn’t help but blame herself for how things went with Marissa. All their relationships with her were fractured, but she felt more responsible that Seth and Ryan suffered even more for her hand in the decision making. It was hard to be in this state with the person you’ve been friends with almost your whole life, they were like sisters, seeing each other through the worst times, sharing each others good days, and now…

One night on a not-so-eventful weekday Summer had dropped by Marissa’s work at the café. She saw Marissa closing down the registers and wiping down the bench top as the last of the customers left for the evening. Her calculated steps on the floorboards tried to get her across quietly, hoping Marissa wouldn’t tell her to get out before she got a chance to say something.

“We’re closed.” Marissa said as she saw a figure approaching from the corner of her eye.

“I know…I wasn’t here to order anything…” Summer said softly as she hesitantly bit her lip.

Marissa looked up at the recognition of her voice, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to…talk…maybe…” Summer pulled up a stool and the two young women sat and stood opposite each other. “We haven’t really had a chance to talk or anything since…”

“I know, I guess I’ve been busy…”

“Or…you found out that your best friends in the world that you thought you could count on lied to you for almost a year…”

“Or that…” Marissa conceded bluntly as she proceeded to tidy up, now moving away from the register as she began stacking chairs upon the tables.

Summer turned in her seat as she fidgeted with her thumbs, finding it hard to find the right words to say, and to find the old friend she seemed to be losing. “I just want you to know…please don’t be so hard on the other two, there were times when Seth and Ryan thought they should tell you…but I was always trying to convince them not to...”

At this, Marissa drew her attention back to the brunette with an almost stunned look on her face.

“No matter what you think, I still believe it wasn’t our place to tell you about your mom, but we know and I know we were wrong to continue to let you believe everything was okay when it wasn’t. Believe me, if we could go back and change things…we would.”

“Too bad we don’t live in ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’.”

Summer could still feel the sting in everything Marissa would say, the underscored animosity hidden in the shadows, but she kept on, “Ryan uh…actually had his suspicions about your mom last Christmas and we decided we’d find out if something had been wrong, and when we did realize I confronted her and she admitted the truth, but asked us not to say anything. If you didn’t think it was hard for us to keep this from you it was…”

“Summer…you put yourselves in this position and now I…just…what do you want from me? What I would want and expect from you guys is the truth…but now…what is it that you want from me…” Marissa continued as she narrowed her eyebrows.

Summer got up off her stool and walked over to Marissa as they stood head to head across a table, “I thought I could tell you, I thought about it, but yeah, I couldn’t! Do you know what it has been like to be your friend who’s watched you go through all the things you’ve gone through?!” Summer spat out pleadingly. “Yeah, we should’ve had more faith in you…but don’t act like we’re not the same people who had to watch you and pick you up when your life got too tough!” She retaliated.

“Is that why else you didn’t tell me, because I might burden you with my problems? That you might have to pick me up off of some gutter.” Marissa answered incredulously.

“Marissa, that’s not it!”

“When are you all going to stop seeing me the way you all see me? Nobody asked this to be your problem, Summer.”

“Well that’s what friends do!” Summer said with her blood pressure rising.

“But nobody asked you!”

“Nobody has to ask, Marissa! That’s what friends do!” Summer yelled.

“Do friends also lie to each other, and keep something like this, from each other?”

“I don’t know what else to say…we thought we could…we thought we were protecting you…”

“From what, myself?” Marissa said softly.

“I guess it was too hard for us to be the ones to tell you.”

“Summer, if you wouldn’t be able to handle knowing the truth, why did you go looking for it…” Marissa said slightly biting back as she stacked another chair upon the table with a bit more force.

Her words immediately hit her and Summer knew she was right on the mark with that. Why did they go looking for the truth? Summer could feel her throat dry up suddenly and any confidence she had left to speak to Marissa had gone. “I’m sorry…I guess…you’re right, I’m sorry…there’s not much else I can say…” She said quietly as Marissa had her back turned, profusely immersing herself in her closing duties.

Marissa didn’t regret what she said, but after so many years of friendship it was hard not to feel some remorse for how her words came out. For as much as she wanted things to just simply disappear and shed her anger, things wouldn’t ever be that easy. She listened as the brunettes heels clapped along the floorboards, slowly becoming more distant. She thought of saying something for a moment to remove a portion of the wall between them that heightened drastically in the span of the last few minutes, “Summer…”

Summer stopped and turned, unsure if she heard correctly.

“Can you just…”

“Yeah?” Summer said almost hopeful.

“Can you…just…lock the door on your way out…” Marissa said softly, unable to bring herself to say anything more…”

Summer was saddened but knew she couldn’t be expecting anything from her right now, “Yeah, sure.” She answered as the door clicked.

Marissa leant her head against one of the propped up chairs as she hung her arm across one of the rungs and closed her eyes. Summer stepped out into the night. The wind howled through the tree branches, the crisp dry leaves sweeping away against the pavement. She exhaled while her breath came out in the form of a cool fog, dissolving, as she herself dissolved into the crowd.

***

Were only taking turns
Holding this world
It’s how its always been
When you’re older you will understand

When you’re older you will understand

***

Song / Trust Me by The Fray

Through the Rain / Chapter 38

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 00:17:07 GMT

'The Faithful'

***

The overnight bag lay on the bed almost packed as she threw in the last of her toiletries and zipped it closed. She sighed as she took a look at the room that was neatly tidied with the bed made and no trace of her was to be found or left behind. Grabbing her things in the stillness of the night she made her way out of the room and to her mom’s bedroom. Slowly turning the knob and peering in only to find Julie well into her sleep, she shut the door and left a note by the counter before locking the door behind her as she stepped out into a Newport mignight. Strapping her seatbelt on in the cab she looked back as it drove away from what was now these days her home away from home. If it seemed like she was too afraid to face the problem at hand and stay, maybe you would be right, but maybe there wouldn’t be too many of us that wouldn’t do the same.

As she arrived to an empty dorm on a Sunday where she assumed Kyle must be staying at Ethan’s like she’s been known to do quite often lately, she was grateful for the time alone. Her Sunday disappeared just as quickly as it came while immersing herself in the solitude; no one to disrupt the crying, the strange fits of laughter, and the sudden fits of rage. The multitude of photos scattered upon her bed, the ceramic plate scattered on the kitchen floor, her figure that slid against the plain wall; this was her grief.

***

There are some days you expect to wake up and know exactly how the rest of it will pan out. You know the breakfast you envisage is ready to be plucked out of the cupboard. The car you drive is waiting to be started in your garage. The route you take to get to your destination will always have a similar flow of traffic. The people you pass in which you expect to get a smile from. The people you know that will complete your day. You'll carry out your day and by the end of it, it’s like nothing at all. You weren’t surprised, you weren’t disappointed; it was just what it was. Then there are those days you remember because things didn’t go accordingly, and by the end of it when you expect to be kicking back on the sofa watching television until it was time to sleep, you were somewhere else, doing something else, thinking something else.

***

9.16am

“Seth, are we out of bread?” Summer called out form the kitchen as she rummaged their shelves.

“You finished the last of it yesterday”, he called back from the bathroom with a muffled voice as it was full of toothpaste.

“We’re going to have to grab something on the way, are you ready to go?”

***

10.02am

Ryan turned the key in the ignition as he sat in the SUV ready to back it out of the garage when an audible beeping accompanied by a flashing light amongst the dials indicated his fuel was almost empty. He grunted and sighed when he hoped he could make it to a gas station without the car shutting down on him.

***

11.01am

The coffee dropped to the floor as a customer ran into her as she carried a tray. It was the last thing Marissa needed that early in the day on top of the burden of working on a Monday morning at all.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry”, the old woman said profusely as she clumsily tried to help to fix the mess.

“Oh don’t worry about it, it was my fault”, Marissa said kindly as she just wanted this part of her Monday to be over and done with.

***

2.39pm

The clear window pane let in an almost blaring light when she just wanted to be left in the darkness for now. Sitting amongst the rows of fellow classmates and right beside Seth in one of their classes, she continued to listen, or rather just watch in silence as the words from their professor breezed past her. Marissa wouldn’t be able to recall two words strung together from this lecture, she couldn’t recall two words from anyone really. She was physically there on that lazy afternoon but that was pretty much all there was. Seth would sketch on his notepad next to her, pretending to take notes, and she could’ve sworn the clock stayed on 2.40pm for a good five minutes.

“Okay, for next week please read chapters thirty-seven to forty.” Their professor said as he concluded his talk and the flood of people could not have begun to file out any quicker.

Seth grabbed his things just as fast as the others and proceeded out of the aisle, getting to the end of it before he realized Marissa continued to sit there blankly and hadn’t been following him. “Marissa?” He asked as he walked back towards her.

“Huh?” She said snapping out of her daze and turned to face him.

“Are you okay?” Seth wondered carefully.

“Yeah…sorry…” She got up quietly and began getting her things in order before walking out of the room in silence with him.

He studied her absent-mindedness as they walked through the halls and out into the open air, she hadn’t said a word and it was clear something important must have been on her mind. Marissa merely looked down and watched the path her feet would take, and Seth continued to watch her watch her own footing. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Marissa merely gave him an expression as she slightly nodded before he could see a tear forming in her eyes, which was enough for Seth to know something really wasn’t okay.

“Come on…” He said, wrapping an arm across her shoulder and led her in the direction of the parking lot.

“Where are we going?”

“We’ll go back to the apartment, get some coffee, maybe a little playstation”, he said as she raised an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, maybe just some coffee…and some time with a friend maybe?” Seth said hopeful until she smiled slightly and nodded; a good friend’s company was what she probably needed anyway.

***

3.17pm

Back at Seth and Summer’s Marissa sat forward on the sofa, hunched over herself as Seth went to go boil some water. He came back and sat in an adjacent seat waiting to see if she would make the first move and say something. When she didn’t, he decided he would have to speak up, “I’m not usually the most insightful nor do I want to pry, but is there anything you feel like talking about? You know, we could always just hop on the Ps2 until our thumbs fall off…”

She stayed quiet and for a good series of minutes all that could be heard were the cars passing and the bells chiming from the trams off in the far distance. Seth didn’t say anything but just stayed observant as she kept to herself and she kept her sites on a corner of the coffee table before she just let out a compressed breath and began to softly cry. Seth grew wide eyed as he looked blankly to all ends of the room, “Marissa?” He said as he got up and went to sit right by her and pull her into a hug, “I take that back about the Ps2, okay?” Half serious and half kidding.

Continuing to cry until her tears stained upon his shirt, he held her close almost rocking her and waited for her to calm, but the longer time passed the more tears she spent. Seth was at a loss. He thought of anything he could say or anything he could do to make it better, but nothing came to mind. So instead he stayed with her until the cries became softer sobs, and the drops became few and far between. They must have stayed like that for at least ten minutes until she pulled away and placed her head in her hands. “I’m sorry”, she whispered.

“Hey, no, don’t…” Seth said as he kissed her on the side of her head. “I’m going to get you a glass of water okay?”

“Thanks…” She replied as he left the room without noticing as he took a glance back at her.

Quietly, he grabbed the phone off the hook in the kitchen as he scurried towards the corner and grabbed a glass out of the cupboard, setting it down when the receiver had picked up. “Hey, it’s me…” He said in a whisper.

“Seth?” Ryan asked. “Why are you whispering?”

“You have to get over here…Marissa, she’s not well…”

“I didn’t even realize she got back, is she sick?” He asked concerned.

“No, but she’s not altogether here, I mean, she’s here, but she’s not…She’s been crying and she hasn’t told me what’s wrong.”

“My class doesn’t finish for another twenty minutes, but I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

“Alright…” Seth finished as he hung up and quickly poured Marissa a glass of water before going back out to the lounge.

“You know, if you don’t feel comfortable telling me about it you don’t have to.” He said sincerely as he sat on the edge of the coffee table right opposite her.

Taking a sip and letting herself settle, the two again waited in silence until she spoke up. “I’m just, I’m a mess…I mean, what do you do when you find out something that will change your life?”

“I guess that depends what it is…”

“I’m so frustrated, I want to be angry at her, and yet…”

“Who?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have left…” She continued to ramble as Seth continued to be confused.

“Leave where?”

“My mom…when I went back to Newport, I thought she was getting better, turns out she’s not…”

Seth’s mind froze as he finally came to realize what this had all been about.

“I walked in on your mom and my mom talking, and then I knew. While I thought she was getting better, she already knew she wouldn’t be…” She said as she whispered and began to let out inconsistent sobbing beats.

“Marissa, I…” Seth said without knowing really what to say when his own mind had begun to race. Now that she’s found out does he admit for all three of them that her closest friends in the world had known too? It was obvious Julie hadn’t mentioned them otherwise this conversation with Marissa would be different or non existent, so what does he say when they’ve had a month short of year to take it all in, and Marissa merely a day or two? So he didn’t say anything, as she began to cry once more, he kept her in an embrace; it was all he could do.

***

4.39pm

‘Beep!’ The car horns continued to create a string of unbearable noise across the Bay Bridge. The vehicles were bumper to bumper in heavy traffic as a convertible and a pick-up truck, were being hauled out and cleared for the drivers to pass through.

“Oh jeez”, Ryan sighed as he turned off his car impatiently trying to wait out the slow process of getting back to the other part of the city.

***

“Is everything okay?” Ryan asked as he spotted Seth upon entering the apartment.

Seth sat alone in the quiet room as if just waiting for the time to go by until he turned to hear Ryan’s entrance. “I thought your class finished in twenty minutes; that was over an hour ago.” He hushed.

“I know, I’m sorry. I was stuck in traffic, there’d been an accident. Where’s Marissa?” He said as he came over to sit by his brother.

“Sleeping…”

“What’s happened?”

“She knows…” Seth answered simply.

“Knows?” Ryan furrowed his eyebrows.

“About her mom…she found out when she was there over the weekend…”

Ryan’s mouth was slightly left ajar and he was similarly rendered speechless like Seth had been. “Uh…oh my god…she uh…how was she?”

“She cried until she fell asleep so I took her into the guest bedroom. She’s trying to deal with it. I mean, she’s holding up pretty well considering, I think.”

“Does she know that we knew?” Ryan said much quieter than anything else he’d said.

“Dude, do you think she’d be talking to me if she did?”

“She’s was bound to find out sooner or later right…”

“Not sooner, no thanks to us…”

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair and got up, “I’m just going to check if she’s okay…” he said as he headed down the short hallway.

Slowly turning the knob and opening the door with enough gap so he could see if Marissa was still okay, he found the head of the bed with no occupant which left him confused, so he opened it further to find Marissa sitting up on the bed looking wide-eyed yet despondent. Entering the room he closed the door behind him. She turned her head slightly to look at him, helplessly with a small smile to acknowledge his presence.

“Hey”, he said as he sat down behind her and took her hand in his.

“Hi…”

5.33pm

He kissed her shoulder as she tilted her head upon his, and he took the return of affection as a cue to envelope her into a hug; feeling comfort in each other being there as he protectively kept her close. She took in his scent and it smelt of safety, less troubled if only for a short time.

***

6.25pm

“Coop?” Summer said quietly as she knocked on the door with Seth in tow after Seth had explained what he knew about the situation back outside upon her arrival.

“Come in”, Ryan said as the other two cautiously walked in as Summer immediately went over to give her a hug.

“Babe…” She said simply to a Marissa who looked much more open to talking, as the two then sat around them on the bed.

Marissa sniffed, “I’m sorry you guys have to see me like this…” she said as Ryan grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and offered it to her.

“Hey, you don’t have to be sorry for anything”, Summer said. “If you want to talk, we’re all here for you…”

The room fell silent, Marissa would continue to close her eyes as if to hold it all in, while the others just waited for something unknown to come.

6.31pm

“I can’t believe it…you know. I can’t believe she could’ve lied to me all that time…” Marissa suddenly said wanting to vent out her insides, shaking her head as the others just looked at each other subtly. “I uh…I ran into some of my mom’s old friends and the whole day they’d been offering me their sympathies and I had no idea…I must’ve just been the last person to know, and Kaitlin I guess.”

The other three remained despondent as she continued to speak and divulge her feelings.

“I want to be angry”, a tear rolled on the side of her face and onto her lap, “I mean she lied, but then maybe I shouldn’t be wasting time being angry. Now all I think about is ‘what if’. What if she weren’t around tomorrow, or the day after? I don’t know how to just pretend that this isn’t what’s happening when it is. I feel like I’m just supposed to forget…and I don’t know how yet.”

Summer scrunched her forehead, “Coop, I’m sure she doesn’t think you can just forget it happened and have everything go back to normal…”

“But I need to…I don’t want to be bitter. If tomorrow is her last day do I really want to be bitter…It’s frustrating…Argh!” Marissa grunted, scrunching her hair up.

Summer looked down to her feet and reflected upon their own actions as Marissa kept on with her venting. Her words would float in one ear and out the other as she became preoccupied with her own thoughts. Unknowingly, the two males grouped in the circle were doing the same.

6.38pm

“I uh…I never even bothered to check what her condition was. I just took it for what she told me, and…and when I did find out what it really was…what it’s doing to her, what it’s done to other people…” She drifted off quietly as she took the others’ silence for a sense of understanding.

“I know there hasn’t been any known cases where someone has actually pulled through from this, but there’s always hope…” Summer added quietly.

Marissa paused slightly at her comment as if catching a slight glitch, but shook it off and thought nothing more of it before proceeding, “I just didn’t need her to treat me like a kid you know…I don’t know what I have to do to prove to her that I’m not a kid anymore…Her situation, I’m trying to come to terms with it, but what makes it worse is…all this time…all the pretending…”

The three could simultaneously feel the heat rise in the room as they hoped their cheeks wouldn’t swell up and make them look as bad as they felt. As much as they would’ve liked to say something, saying nothing seemed to be the safest choice right now.

“I really…don’t know what to do…Maybe I should just go back to Newport…”

Silence.

6.44pm

She was taken aback with their lack of conversation as she struggled to get her emotions off of her chest. The birds outside flitted past as they let out melodic hums, and aside from the ambience, the inside of that room was as blank as a white canvas.

“And I think…if she can keep this from me who knows what else she’s been hiding…”

“Give her a little more credit Marissa, we were all only doing what we thought was best.” Summer quickly said trying to be a voice of reason and just as quickly wished she hadn’t when Seth and Ryan hastily shot their heads up.

6.47pm

The room had gone quiet numerous times, but when it had gone still this time, it was a plague of silence that ate at them. We were all. We were all. We were all. We were all. The words just kept returning and Marissa was almost afraid to say what she thought she knew, and the others were afraid to ask whether or not she did.

“I just meant-“ Summer spoke up trying to amend her earlier answer.

But Marissa cut ahead and with a deadened tone in her voice and without making eye contact with any of them she said, “No…”

“Marissa”, Ryan said softly.

“No, I uh…I heard you”, if you could define tension with an image, this would be that moment. They would all exchange looks of worry, but Marissa kept her eyes set upon the corner of the bed post.

“Marissa”, Summer repeated.

“Just tell me…please just say…that you knew…that you all knew…” Marissa said showing no sign of emotion and still not giving the respect of looking them in the eye.

“Marissa”, Seth said after what had been a long time since he said anything.

“I didn’t ask you to tell me my name, I asked you to admit that you all knew”, she said much firmer in which Seth, Ryan, and Summer, all wished they could be plucked out of their own skin and taken back only when this had blown over.

6.52pm

Who would be the first to admit it? Who would be the one to speak for all of them and finally say what they’ve kept themselves from saying all this time? Not that Marissa already didn’t know after Summer let her words slip, but for the words to come out of their mouths, it was necessary. “We knew”, Seth said shamefully as he could only face a spot on the floor as he felt rays of hate from her searing into his being.

Marissa just shook her head as she turned her gaze to each of them individually who could now no longer look at her. “You too”, Marissa said finally, and although all their heads were down, Ryan knew that question was meant for him.

“Marissa…” He exhaled as he finally looked back up at her. Eye to eye, they stared back at each other. She was expressionless and he looked as helplessly apologetic.

“You too…” she repeated.

“Me too…” he conceded.

6.58pm

Marissa slowly nodded as the room fell muted once again until she suddenly got herself out of the sheets and stood up as she put on her shoes before slowly walking to the door.

“Wait”, Ryan said abruptly wondering straight after what he could even say to her if she were to stop.

She turned back against her will and looked at all of them paralyzed on the mattress.

“Please…say something”, he pleaded as his heart felt anchored and heavy at the sight of her.

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking

Her gaze was unwavering and the three gave her their complete attention. She said nothing for what felt the longest time. There was uncertainty in the air. There was the unknown and the feared. There was the anger and the sadness. There was regret. “Have a little faith in me…one day…I hope you would all just have little bit more faith in me…” She said simply before making her way out.

They were anticipating the yelling, the raised voices and the refutes, but they weren’t expecting that. Nothing they ever pictured in their minds ever resembled that. It was docile, she was withdrawn and reduced, they almost wished she screamed at them and vented out the anger they expect her to feel. Her response was far worse than anything they could’ve imagined, and as they could hear her grab her things from outside and finally shut the front door closed, they remained stagnant. The guilt had no intention of moving in the same way they couldn’t will their bodies to do anything but sit there dumbfounded and discomfited.

They let her down, he let her down, the three of them all knew it.

7.00pm

The clock beeped on the nightstand twelve times before it was over.

***

Seth and Summer sat opposite each other on the floor of their lounge room long after Marissa had left and after Ryan went home not too long after. None of them had the nerve to go after her or even try to call her to voice an apology. The couple merely just sat there with the television off and the room blanketed in idled discussion.

“What do you feel like for dinner?”

“I’m not that hungry”, Seth answered.

“Yeah…me too…” Summer replied as they then continued to just sit there lifeless.

All the things we should've said that we never said
All the things we should've done that we never did

9.16pm

***

“I thought you could use one of these”, Sarah said somberly as she passed him a beer.

“Thanks”, he said gratefully accepting.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself”, Sarah finished before going back through the roof access door that led back inside.

All the things that you needed from me
All the things that you wanted for me
All the things I should've given but I didn't

On the rooftop of their apartment building he watched the world go by amongst the city lights. He sat slumped on an old deck chair with the forgotten potted plants that had died a long time ago. He wondered where she was, what she was thinking, if she was okay, if and when things would get better. He let his thoughts be carried off in the wind and hope that wherever she was and in whatever she was doing, that she knew he was thinking about her.

10.02pm

***

She sat in the wooden rows of seats, alone in the candlelit glow with only one elderly lady praying on her knees up towards the front while she sat trying to be invisible in the back. She had never really been exposed to religion, never really brought up with some sort of faith, so she had no idea why she thought she would come here. Yet there was something eerily peaceful about being in church. It was dim and quiet, there wasn’t really anyone about, but it felt ironically safe. She’d never really been in a church unless it was for a wedding, or a funeral, but yet she didn’t feel judged. So she stayed there only until a minister had made her aware they would be closing until the morning again. Marissa walked out into the cool air with slow calculated steps in sync with her thoughts until she got to her car. She rested her head on the steering wheel, and parked nowhere in particular she broke down on the streets of San Francisco.

Oh darling make it go away
Just make it go away now

11.01pm

***

Song: Kate Bush - This Woman's Work

Throught the Rain / Chapter 37

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 00:00:56 GMT

'The Grape-Vine'

***

“So what are you doing for Thanksgiving this year?”

“Actually, one of my brothers, the eldest Eric, got married recently and his wife is really big on the holidays so she’s invited people over for Thanksgiving, I guess that’s where I’ll be.” Sarah answered as she and Ryan sat at the breakfast table flicking through their own newspapers.

“You don’t sound too enthused.” He smiled.

“Maybe because I’m really not…but hey at least it’ll be a chance for me to see some family again after so long.”

“Well, you’re always invited to Seth and Summer’s again this year just in case you decide not to.”

“Thanks, but I don’t think I can back out anyway…So, I would’ve imagined you’d be at Marissa’s today…”

“Oh yeah, she’s actually back in Newport visiting her mom. I’ll probably be hanging out here today.”

“Doing anything in particular?” She asked as she poked her head up from the pages.

“No, not really, maybe catch up on some reading, nothing special…” Ryan answered as he took a sip of his orange juice.”

“Well…then, if you’re not doing anything…in that case, you can help me paint.” She suggested upbeat as Ryan raised an eyebrow at her.

***

Marissa sat reading a local magazine by the kitchen counter at her mom’s house back in Newport. The wind blew the sheer white curtains by the French doors and the breeze flipped the leaf onto the society pages; rolling her eyes at the useless gossip. She took another sip of her iced tea as Julie strolled in from out of the hallway.

“Hey sweetie, what are you reading?”

“Oh, mindless Newpsie happenings”, she answered blandly.

Julie opened up the refrigerator and whipped out a bottle of sparkling water while taking a glance at its very minimal condition of its interior, she sighed, “I’m sorry, I forgot I haven’t had the time to get to the store and do some grocery shopping.”

“Oh, huh? That’s okay, we can order out for dinner later. Or, you know what, you seem to be busy with work and I’m not doing anything, I can run to the store and get a few things…”

“I can’t ask you to do that…” Julie slightly smiled as she unscrewed the twist top and took a small gulp of the liquid.

“I’m offering, I’m really not doing anything anyway”, she smiled back. “What I will ask you though is if you’re going to come to San Francisco for Thanksgiving.”

“Mariss’, I’ve got a lot of work.”

“Well that’s not really going to fly because you know Kirsten and Sandy are coming. Come on mom…” Marissa shifted on the stool to face her rather pleadingly.

“I hate flying during the holidays, there’s always so many people.”

“And what…your trips during passed holidays were by boat? What else have you got?” Marissa laughed. “I’ve even got Kaitlin coming, and why are you so adamant not to?” Marissa waited a moment before furrowing her eyebrows at Julie’s vacant expression, “Okay, well while you think about that I’m going to step out and get some food into these cupboards.” She grinned slightly before hopping off her seat and kissed her mom on the cheek, making her way to the bedroom.

***

I knew I had to have a purpose at some point”, Ryan joked as he walked through the endless aisles of the hardware store full of gadgets and what not for home restoration, with Sarah, carrying tins of interior paint.

“Are you kidding? You still have to help me paint; the use of your services is far from over”, Sarah laughed as she flipped through some ‘Do-it-Yourself’ books shelved neatly on the racks.

“Oh god, I really regret not saying I was busy…”

“Well it’s too late for that”, she retorted with a cheeky grin.

“Alright, buckets of paint not getting any lighter”, he teased.

“Okay, okay”, she said as she led them to the checkout point.

After paying the lady at the register Ryan carried the loads of paint out through the lot making his way to Sarah’s old VW Beetle in lemon airbrushing, with Sarah trailing behind when his cell secure in his front pocket began to ring. Looking to the goods in his arms then back at Sarah, she rushed towards him as they fumbled with Ryan trying to transfer a few containers over to her in order to free a hand. While it continued to ring and the two continued to fumble, Ryan finally managed to slip his hand into his pocket and whip out his phone when as luck would have it, it stopped ringing. “I knew that would happen…” Ryan chuckled as he watched the withheld number disappear off the screen.

“Come on then, just hope they call back. Let’s get this to the car…”

***

Putting the cordless phone back onto the stand Marissa just shrugged, grabbing her purse and slipping on a light jacket she made her way out of the room. “Mom, I’ll be back soon”, she called out while taking the car keys off the table and walking towards Julie’s home office; stopping short when she sees her mom now on the phone. ‘Sorry’ she mouthed and just gives a slight wave as she shuts the door softly before walking out.

***

“Kirsten?” Sandy called out with his hair slick from the salted water of the beach. Decked out in boarding shorts and a tee, he set his surfboard against the wall around the side as he headed towards the house through the back entrance.

Just as he was about to turn the handle he caught site of his wife potting some plants in the corner with a sun hat and moving her head about to an obscure melody. “Honey?” He called out as he walked up towards her with her back turned. “Kirsten?” He repeated once more, confused as to why she couldn’t hear him until he noticed the earpiece wiring that led to her mp3 player in her back pocket, and smiled. “You finally learnt how to work that iPod the kids gave you huh?” Sandy asked as he went around in front of her, startling the woman slightly.

“Oh, hi honey”, she said happily, “Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away...”

“Yeah I can see that”, he said while pulling up a chair near the spot where she knelt.

“I thought I’d get some gardening done. How was surfing?”

“Not bad, I got a few good ones in”, he answered. “You know the strangest thing happened today…”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I ran into Jacqueline Parker, who says hi by the way.”

“Oh really, she and husband number four must be back from their several months in Tuscany.”

“Yeah she said she only got back a few days ago.”

“So which was the strange part?” She asked while continuing to scoop soil into a ceramic pot.

“Well she knew you and Julie work together and before she left she told me to give her best to her if I saw her and that’s she’s pulling for her, whatever that meant…”

Kirsten looked up suddenly, “What did she mean by that?”

“I don’t know, I thought I’d run it by you…” Sandy said as he looked to the blonde as she looked back up at him biting her lip. “Is there something going on with Julie?”

Kirsten sighed and slipped off her gardening gloves, took the music player out of her pocket and set it on the outdoor table, and took a seat by her husband.

“Are you okay?”

Kirsten began rubbing her temple, “How could they know?” She said quietly to herself.

“How could who know what?”

Kirsten looked down to her fingernails and took in a deep breath, “Sandy…Julie’s sick…”

“I know”, Sandy said quite bewildered.

“No…no…Julie, she’s sick, she’s…what she has, it’s…terminal. I only just found out. Sandy, Julie’s dying…and she hasn’t told the girls…” Kirsten poured out as her heart pounded at the thought of those words.

***

“Marissa, darling, is that you?” A red-headed southern belle said as she approached the lithe blonde who was perusing a designer shoe store.

Marissa turned surprised, “Hi Mrs. Hamilton”, she smiled politely at one of her mom’s former friends back in her days of Yogalates. “Getting some shopping done?” She said referring to her plethora of bags in hand.

“Well there’s going to be a thanksgiving benefit so I thought I’d treat myself to a few things. A girl’s always got to look her best, am I right? I had no idea you were back in town…”

“Oh, yeah I’m just visiting my mom for the weekend.”

“Oh aren’t you precious taking time out just to visit your mother…well I better be off, I’ve still got some errands to do but you tell your mom I’ll be praying for a miracle.” Mrs. Hamilton said in her best attempts to look sincere before she kissed Marissa on the cheek, careful not to smudge her own lipstick, and went on her way.

Marissa’s eyebrow’s were scrunched as she was left in confusion at the woman’s words but decided to let it go knowing full well that half these women start their day with some meds and a gin and tonic chaser.

***

“Oh thank God!” Sarah said aloud as they moved the bed out into the hallway. “Who knew furniture could be so heavy?”

“Yeah who knew…” Ryan said sarcastically, stretching his back as Sarah began to roll out some tarp and laying down newspapers while Ryan then went off to ready the paint.

“Did I get the rollers from the back seat?” She called out.

“Yeah, I’ve got them here”, he answered as his voice echoed through the bathroom.

“Okay, let’s get this show on the road huh”, she said enthusiastically upon re-entering the room.

“You start, I’ll watch”, he laughed.

“Pick up a brush or your shirt becomes my new canvas”, she says as she adjusts the clip on her figure hugging short overalls.

“Alright, come on…” he smiled as he restlessly grabbed a brush, dipped it in paint, and began masking the old wall.

***

“I just don’t know how people could’ve found out…” Kirsten said sighing.

“Honey, it’s a small town filled with too many people with too much time on their hands. Anything worth mentioning spreads like wildfire around these parts. I just can’t believe…all this time, she’s kept it from everybody, and especially Marissa and Kaitlin…”

“I’m not getting through…the phone must be engaged…” Kirsten answered as she pressed the ‘hang up’ button on the cordless. “Marissa’s in town and I would just hate for her to find out from somebody else if Julie hasn’t told her…”

“Well, maybe you should go over there, have a talk with Julie and make sure she breaks the news to her as soon as possible…” Sandy said as the husband and wife would continuously exchanges glances of deep thought from across the kitchen island.

“That’s a good idea, I’ll make my way there now…”

***

“Marissa”, a woman with short auburn hair called out as she passed her on the sidewalk by a café. “I hardly recognized you”, she smiled.

“Mrs. Eberhart”, Marissa smiled politely once again as another Newport wasp approached her. “How are you?”

“Oh, well it’s been a little quiet with Mr. Eberhart no longer around…”

“I heard…I’m really sorry…”

“Thank you sweetie, everyday does get a little easier though, he was very ill and we saw it coming. I guess knowing it would be nearing the end had its good sides, but it really doesn’t make it that much easier. I guess you know how that must feel like, right…with your mother and all…” Margaret Eberhart answered solemnly.

“Excuse me?” Marissa asked greatly confused.

“Oh, I’m sorry to sound like such a damper…”

“Margaret is that you!” A blond haired lady in her shift dress and sun hat on called out with a perfected wave from across the way with her designer bag sported on her wrist.

“Diane!” Mrs. Eberhart answered with great joy as she raised up a hand in acknowledgement. “Sorry, you tell your mom I said hello, okay?” She said as she turned back to Marissa giving her a consoling brush on the arm and went off.

From the time Marissa perused several boutiques and had gone to the grocers and now carrying two full bag loads in hand as she walked out to the car, she had been stopped repeatedly by old neighbors and old friends of her parents that she once knew, who wanted to give Marissa their condolences. A few ladies were just as vague as her first encounter, Mrs. Hamilton, but that last meet with Mrs. Eberhart had really jerked an odd feeling inside of her as she repeated those specific words continuously in the back of her mind.

***

“I wasn’t disturbing you was I?” Kirsten said as she fidgeted with her watch on her wrist while stepping into Julie’s house.

“No, sorry, I just got off the phone with Lesley from the Randal site, she gave me a migraine…” Julie said as she led Kirsten into the kitchen. “Coffee?”

“Yeah sure…”

“Are you okay?” Julie asked as she immediately noticed Kirsten’s tense nature.

“Is Marissa here?”

“No, she stepped out for groceries. What’s the matter?”

Kirsten took a seat on the stool as Julie heated up the kettle and grabbed a couple of mugs from out of the cupboard. “Jackie Parker came up to Sandy after he went surfing this morning and told him if he saw you, to give you her best and that she was pulling for you…” She said as she bit her lip at the end of the sentence.

“That’s an odd thing to say…” Julie answered not picking up on what Kirsten was insinuating. “Sugar?”

“Julie…I don’t know how, but I think she knew about your condition, and I promise I haven’t told anyone except Sandy when he brought this up…”

Julie just paused as her jaw dropped and her mind went blank.

“I just thought…I don’t know if you’ve told Marissa, but it’s only a matter of time before the whole town knows if they don’t already…”

“I uh, I haven’t told her yet…”

“I’d hate to think that she may find out from someone else before you even got a chance to talk to her…”

“How do you tell your child you’re dying? How do you suddenly tell them what they’ve believed to be true for so long, that it’s just…not…” Julie said as the kettle boiled and she looked up at Kirsten with despairing eyes just as the door creaked and the two women suddenly turned simultaneously with wide open eyes and a look of shock.

***

Ryan and Sarah sat on the floor of her bedroom, each with a cold beer in hand as they leant up against an unpainted wall as the others began to dry.

“Did you ever think about trying to go to college?”

“Yeah, I did…but I never know what I wanted to do with myself…I never pictured myself as the college type…”

“Well, neither did I…” Ryan answered. “I didn’t picture myself doing much of anything, really…”

“Well, I think some people are born to do great things with themselves, and some just aren’t…”

“That doesn’t mean you’re necessarily the latter you know”, he smiled reassuringly.

“I always wanted to be a writer, you know, when I was younger”, she smiled looking back at fonder memories. “I thought one time, I’d maybe enroll into one of those classes at maybe a community college or, I don’t know…somewhere…”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I made it to the first class, I uh…I got to the door, and I saw everyone there taking their seats, just looking at them then looking back at myself, I didn’t think I fit in and I chickened out…never went back out of fear of failing…looking stupid.”

“You know if you’re all there for the same thing, then I doubt any of those people could look down on you…”

“I guess it’s always been like that…I didn’t really have anyone to encourage me, no parent to walk me in on my first day of school or anything like that, so if I ever got scared, or if I didn’t want to do something, I’d bail…”

“Yeah…I know what you mean.” He agreed.

***

“So it’s true then.” Marissa in a breaking whisper said as she stood frozen in the doorway. Her eyes focused on the two women who sat immersed in conversation that hadn’t even noticed she had been there. Both Julie and Kirsten were rendered speechless as they both looked as if they’d just seen a ghost, and Marissa almost identical but for different reasons.

She was starting to lose the feeling of the weight of the grocery bags she carried in hand as she stood at a stand still, her mind almost detached from her body.

Kirsten looked down as if almost ashamed and could feel the intensity of the gazes from mother and daughter exchanged upon each other, that she knew she’d surpassed her cue to leave. “I’ll uh…leave you two to talk…” She said soft and awkwardly as she grabbed her purse and couldn’t wipe the look of grave concern for the both of them. Slipping past Marissa who still was yet to move, it was as if the Cooper women hadn’t noticed her departure, but were left in the desolate silence.

It was in the silence that Marissa could feel her eyes start to burn before the tears came, and Julie’s face flushed in scarlet and the image of her daughter pained her. Marissa stayed by the door and her limbs paralyzed with the only sign of movement were the drops of hurt that ran down the side of her cheek. There was a silent fear from either of them to move as they both had no idea what to do.

“How long have you known?” She asked still in disbelief and her voice hoarse and emotionless.

Julie closed her eyes as if hoping the situation before her would just dissolve and there was no choice but to tell the truth from that point onward, “About a year…”

Marissa’s heart immediately sank into her stomach as her forehead wrinkled as thoughts of this ongoing lie and her dying mother was kept on repeat as it cycled in her thoughts continuously, and when it got too much to bear her cries became more audible until she tried to suppress her frequently coming sobs. Upon Julie’s motherly instinct she rushed to her side.

Bringing herself to protectively wrap her arms around her daughter’s frail frame as tears fell from both their eyes at the same time. Marissa leant her head upon her mom’s shoulder like a weary child as her blue eyes became a haze in a fog. “I didn’t want you to find out this way…” Julie choked out.

Marissa took a moment to pause and began shaking her head profusely as she dropped the bags and freed herself from her mother’s clutches. “How could you do this…” She spoke out and it was a fine line between a real question and blame as her words just fell bluntly into the air.

Now that it was out in the open and Julie looked back upon her actions, her reasons no longer felt so excusable, “I was…I was trying to…protect you…” was all she could say.

“Protect me from what?!” Marissa cried out as Julie slightly jumped before responding.

“I didn’t…I didn’t want you dealing with this, you’ve been doing so well in Berkeley and I didn’t want you to always have this in the back of your mind…You’ve already been through so much, some of it was no thanks to me, and I didn’t want this for you…”

Marissa caught her breath and wiped her damp cheek with her fingertips and covered her eyes with her hands and continued to cry.

“I know you’re upset-“

“I don’t know what I am…” She said more calmly.

“Honey, maybe we can…we can just talk, then maybe-“

“Maybe what?!” Marissa snapped once more with pain continuing to pour, “I just found out you’d been lying to me about how sick you’ve been, and I visit you thinking you’re going to be okay when you’re not, and I’ve left here so many times without you saying a word!”

“Mariss’, I know you’re angry-“

“Angry?! How can I be angry? How can I be mad at you?! I don’t even know if you’re supposed to make it another year, and I’m hurt, and I’m shocked, and I just want it to disappear, and I want to be angry with you but I can’t!” Marissa exclaimed as she continued to cry and wipe away the hurt as she slid herself slowly down the side of the wall and broke down.

Too many words
To many lies
I can’t quite see the truth when I look into your eyes

Julie stared down at a shattering Marissa who wept as she slowly crouched down to try and console her, but Marissa reacted quickly and got up before Julie got a chance to even position herself as she felt brushed off. “I’ll be back later…” She said as you could barely hear her while this girl of nineteen bore the image of a young woman with a lifetime lived in her years.

Julie knew that there was too much anguish and tension to stay in one house, and knew Marissa would just need some space so she just watched her disappear into the drowning sunlight with what felt like the weight of the world on her child’s shoulders.

***

I feel I could
And I know I should step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground

Marissa walked the long stretch of beach as her bare feet trudged along the grains of sand with the wind sweeping her hair around her face and the tears still staining her cheeks as the sun beat down through a glaze of clouds. She kept her hands wrapped across her arms as if trying to protect herself from some unknown element and she walked until it felt like forever. She walked until she reached the place that afforded her solitude and time to think and be as vulnerable as she wanted to be.

Running, running
Running, running

***

Ryan dialed Marissa’s number from his cell and before it had even begun to ring he felt a thick, damp liquid scatter upon his neck, when he flipped the phone closed and turned around. “Hey!” Ryan called out as Sarah accidentally splattered a splotch of paint down his back on his shirt from trying to open up a new can. “You are dead meat!” He exclaimed as he immediately picked up the first thing he saw to threaten her with.

“Hey! That was an accident!” She laughed as she cowered behind a dresser in the middle of the room.

It was enough to trigger a semi war with paint as their ammunition, and the work at hand was temporarily forgotten about as Ryan threatened her with a roller while the two laughed like careless children.

***

You don’t need a broken heart, to know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes, yeah
We don’t need to be deceived, to know a lie can be spoken
We don’t have to learn everything twice

Atop of the lifeguard stand she kept her knees huddled. With a big patch of cloud rolling in but the sun still beaming down, it was ironic that a sun shower would happen at that very moment. The few people on the beach began to scatter and she was left alone to reside for a short while at the tower. She contemplated anything and everything that left her at a loss, and that tumbled a world she believed she had, but now no longer.

All she had were her tears. In her life of uncertainty, she could count on these tears to fall until the day would disappear and send her into another. Her crying grew louder as she knew no one was around to hear, until the point she grew angry with life before her that if she could, she would’ve torn a hole right through the sky; ask anyone why existence was so complicated.

I don’t know
I really don’t know if this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand

The lights come down
I feel I could
The lights come down
And I know I should step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground

Running, running
Running, running

‘Cause I know how it feels
All the pain it’s so real
‘Cause you sink and you drown
Till your feet hit the ground

Running, running
Running, running

‘Cause you don’t need a broken heart, to know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes, yeah
We don’t need a TV show, to tell us which way to go
We just need to do what we know

***

Song / Running by Evermore

Through the Rain / Chapter 36

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 23:23:47 GMT

'The Forks in the Road'

***

It’s just past midday at the very end of the working week and the radio is playing lightly in the background of Marissa’s room as Kyle and Summer are sitting on her bed flicking through various magazines while she packs to go to Newport that weekend. While the girls were occupied doing that, Seth took it upon himself to bring his Playstation as a means of entertaining himself anticipating the fact that the young women could take all afternoon doing goodness knows what, Ethan was on his way after Marissa called on him for a takeout run, and Ryan had called and said he’d come as soon as his class was out. For weeks now the core four found their group quickly expanding as Kyle and Ethan were brought into their tight knit mix, which wasn’t hard considering Kyle had always been a friend of the girls’ and when any of them would visit Marissa, Kyle and Ethan were always just relaxing at the dorm, so the friendship and inclusion of the new couple wasn’t a stretch at all but actually welcomed as they all got on seamlessly; even Ryan who used to feel somewhat threatened by Ethan, now had no reason to.

“Kyle have you seen my grey sweater?” Marissa called out from the bathroom.

“Yeah, it got mixed up with my laundry, it’s folded sitting on my shelf”, Kyle answered as she flipped on to the next page and Marissa went to the other bedroom as advised.

“Oh thanks.”

“You guys are coming for thanksgiving next week aren’t you?” Summer asked as she looked to Kyle.

“Yeah of course we’ll be there. I was going to come early and make my mom’s stuffing, I’ve been making it since forever so I hope you don’t mind.”

“Mind, are you kidding? Coop and I are such amateurs we just got lucky with our cooking last year, so you’re more than welcome.” She said as she came to a page full of fashion finds and grew wide eyed. “What do you think of this?” Summer asked as she flashed the spread out for her to see an image of a shift dress.

“It’d look adorable on you. Oh you know what we should do, we should go shopping at Union Square at the post thanksgiving sale.”

“Oh we should! Coop how’s about it?” She asked as the strawberry blonde walked into the room.

“How’s about what?”

“You, me, Kyle, post-thanksgiving sale…we were supposed to go last year but you bailed, So…”

“No, sounds good”, she conceded with a smile just as a knock on the door could be heard in the short distance.

“Can somebody get that?” Seth said loudly still glued to the television despite the fact that he was the closest to the entrance.

The girls rolled their eyes as Marissa decided to make her way considering she was already standing up.

“You could’ve gotten it…” Marissa said as she walked passed Seth who was slumped on the couch.

“Marissa I’m in the middle of a very important game.”

“There’s a ‘pause’ button…” She retorted as she answered the door to an Ethan carrying bags of Thai food. “Hey”, she said happily as they kissed each other on the cheek.

“Hey”, Ethan smiled back and set the bags down on the kitchen table.

Seth slid upright and looked over his shoulder, “Dude grab a controller…” he instructed as Ethan leaped over the armchair to take his position.

“Hey”, Kyle smiled as she came out to greet her boyfriend, kissing him on the lips before she made her way to the kitchen to help Marissa prepare lunch, Summer also trailing behind her.

“What time is your flight?” Summer asked as she looked through the drawer for serving utensils.

“It’s at 8 tomorrow morning. I just wanted to pack now because I know I won’t be so bothered later…”

“So how’s your mom going?” Kyle asked innocently as she was oblivious to the lie that had been surrounding them.

Summer’s ears perked up instantly as she made it a point not to make eye contact and her head hung low buried in her task; if anyone were to see the red hues splashed on her face they’d be able to read the guilt all over it as it always happened whenever someone would bring up Julie.

“Oh well, she’s had her bad days but yeah she’s going to be fine…”

“You know sometimes when I’m back here in San Francisco, I wonder what my family actually gets up to back in Boston. Is it stupid of me to think time actually stops over there until I get back?” Kyle laughed.

“Yes”, Marissa giggled. “I know what you mean though, sometimes I wonder about what goes on in Newport too…”

***

Along the southern coastlines of California where Newport becomes a small world all on its own and rarely anything is ever kept low on the radar, Kirsten sits in her office looking at proposals as her desk is swarming with layouts and plans. The clouds are overhead as it has been for a number of days now, which hasn’t really been typical of the regions weather on most days of the year, but there they were. She wrinkled her forehead as she marked out some changes on a large sheet against prototyped designs until her secretary knocks on her door.

“Mrs. Cohen, Paul Everett just called, he said he’ll be coming in early on Monday morning to look over the exterior and interior mock-ups for the Ames estate.” The young red haired woman said politely before moving back and closing the door behind her.

“Oh that reminds me…” Kirsten said to herself aloud as she got her secretary again, now on speaker phone.

“Evelyn, do you know if Julie’s back from lunch?”

“She walked back in about twenty minutes ago…”

“Thank you Evelyn”, Kirsten acknowledged before pressing a button to end the call and got up to search for a file in her drawer. Once the cream manila folder was in her possession she stepped out of her office and made her way through a short series of halls before knocking on Julie’s door.

***

The knock on the door repeated once more. “Seth can you answer that?” Summer beckoned as the girls were all still busy in the kitchen.

“We’re in the middle of an important battle. Do you really want Ethan to slice my head off at any moment, Summer?”

“Cohen is that a trick question?” Summer said bluntly. “Door – Now!” She instructed as she went over to stand on the sidelines where the boys were engulfed in their little match. After many moments of the two players on screen going back and forth getting nowhere she snatches the controller off of Ethan and does multiple attacking moves by the likes that Seth had never seen as he just watches wide eyed, and mere seconds later he’s defeated.

“Dude you suck”, Ethan said to Seth looking greatly impressed with Summer. “How did you do that?” He asked amazed.

“Eh, when Cohen’s not home I occasionally indulge in a little Ps2”, she answered casually with a shrug and went back to join the young women, not before instructing Seth to get the door for the final time of which he finally obliged.

“Alright don’t get your panties in a bunch”, Seth called out to the unknown visitor, “Just a…”

***

“Second…” She called out in a raspy voice. Julie with her head buried in her hands with her elbows propped up on her desk while silent cries and heavy tears penetrated the surface she slightly jumped, startled by the knock on coming from the other side of the wooden entry. Quickly, she began grabbing a series of facial tissues out of the box and rummaged to find a compact in her handbag. Dabbing the mascara and trying to conceal her reddened and puffy face as quickly as possible, she hoped it would all disappear in a matter of seconds and that she had done enough before letting the guest in. “Come in…”

Kirsten walked in leaving the door ajar, smiling until she noticed the state of her good friend sitting at her table. Julie’s efforts were not enough. “Julie what’s wrong?” Kirsten said at once as her steps slightly quickened to take a seat opposite her, forgetting all about what she came there for in the first place.

“Nothing Kirsten…” Julie said putting on a brave face, “So what did you need to talk to me about?”

The blonde looked to the woman across her and her facial expression soon became grave and concerned, “Then why were you crying?” Kirsten asked calm and serious.

“I wasn’t really, I was thinking about the girls and how much I missed them…” Julie said in her attempts to conceal the truth.

Kirsten didn’t seem moved, but rather had been having her suspicions about Julie and her condition for some time and she looked straight into her eyes as the room fell quiet for a short series of time, and the silence was deafening. The two women’s gazes locked and it was more of a fight to see who would back down and change the subject first, but Kirsten felt it was the time to speak up and to stay on track, so softly she said, “We’ve been friends, Julie, for a long time, not always on the best of terms, but you are my dearest friend so I’m asking you, and I need you to be honest with me…”

Julie looked on and could feel the heat in the air rise to a great degree and felt paralyzed in that frame.

“You’re not getting better are you?”

As soon as Kirsten finished her last sentence Julie could feel the wall she had built up around herself begin to crumble and she didn’t know how to answer, all she felt was more a grip on her windpipe and her vocal chords taut and limiting her ability of speech. Her mouth was open and yet no sound would outwardly come and since her voice was unable to work for her she tested her limbs and got to her feet, walking around her desk with a hand on the back of her waist and the other rubbing her temple.

Kirsten’s eyes followed her as she walked around the room until Julie’s cheeks again became visibly red and she sat amongst the lounge setup in the middle of her office. The second Julie couldn’t answer her, Kirsten already knew she was right and she moved to sit right by the distressed brunette.

“I’m not getting better…” Julie softly conceded as she closed her eyes and let the silent tears breach the barriers once again; Kirsten biting her lip and feeling her eyes water simultaneously. “I’m not getting better, because…with what I have there’s no such thing as getting better.” Julie said with a cracked voice as she shook her head with Kirsten inching closer to wrap an arm around her best friend.

It was now Kirsten with a loss for words, she couldn’t speak the words it’s going to be okay, because that was something she knew she didn’t know, and Julie knew it too.

“There’s no cure, no transplant, no…anything. Just time…until…”

Kirsten felt her heart breaking for her as the two women exemplified exactly what it meant to have a best friend right there in those moments.

“Kirsten, I…I…I’m scared. I’m not going to see Kaitlin graduate from high school, or Marissa graduate from college. I’m not going to see my girls when they get married or when they become mothers-“

“You don’t know that…”

“No, I do know that”, Julie said with her tone of voice slightly rising out of frustration, not with Kirsten but more so just with life.

“You need to tell Marissa…you need to tell both of them”

“I don’t know how, I don’t know when…I’ve wanted to…” Julie answered as she stared down at her hands studying its wear and the lines upon it that have marked her years. “I didn’t want to put this on the girls, they’ve pretty much lost one parent I didn’t want to say they would be losing another, and they both seem to be doing so well. Especially Marissa…”

The two women slightly shifted to face each other as Kirsten said reassuringly, “Julie there’s never going to be a good time for you to give them this news but it has to be done, and you need to be the one to tell them. Your girls are strong young women, and they got that from you, they will deal with it, because you taught them how to. You need to tell them. If time is something you don’t think you have that much of, then all the more reason to right?”

As the woman sat in sadness as Kirsten tried her best to comfort her a silent figure on her way to see Julie, accidentally stumbling upon their conversation, turned on their heels and walked away.

***

As the six friends sat on the floor around the coffee table at the dorm with Evermore’s ‘Running’ playing so lightly in the background it could barely be heard, they all ate while caught up in random conversation.

“What would you rather have 28 navels or 14 toes?” Kyle asked.

“Then what would happen to all my shoes?” Summer unsurprisingly answered.

“Would you rather be blind or deaf?” Ryan posed the question to the others.

“Deaf”, they said in unison.

“Would you rather do a jail sentence for 1 year or send your friend to jail for 10 years?”

“Jail for 1 year”, Marissa answered taking a bite out of her salad.

“Okay, find your parents having sex or your parents finding you having sex?” Summer questioned.

“Your parents find you…” Ethan said.

“Yeah agreed”, Seth supporting the notion.

“See, you’ll get over the fact that they saw you having sex, but the image of them having sex will stay with you forever.” Ethan continued as the others just laughed.

“Okay I have one”, said Marissa. “Would you rather run naked through a mall, or through the school.”

“The mall”, responded Kyle, “There’s less likelihood you’ll see the people in the mall ever again.”

“Would you rather be able to fly, or read people’s thoughts?”

“Do you have a choice whether you want to read their thoughts or not?”

“No.” Seth retorted.

“Hmmm…then I don’t know, they could be some sick-o, I’d rather be able to fly then.”

“Would you rather everything you say be an insult or a come-on?”

“That’s a hard one…” Ryan answered as Marissa nodded, agreeing with him.

“Okay, okay, how about”, Ethan began, “would you rather have the ability to foresee the future, or change the past.”

The five of them suddenly became quiet as they all deeply considered his last question, all of them pondering their own lives, the choices they’ve made, their futures, the things they wish they could do over…some having more things to consider than others.

You don’t need a broken heart, to know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don’t need to be deceived, to know a lie can be spoken
We don’t have to learn everything twice

***

After Kirsten had left the office to resume work, Julie remained static in her office buried within herself, her eyes sealed, the door shut, and the drapes closed. The tears continued to stream freely as each drop left her cheek and splattered vicariously on scattered documents. Before she knew it the copy of her will was on the verge of staining so she quickly propped it back in its folder and set it aside back in her draw as she prayed that everything she did and would continue to do as a mother would help to see her daughters through this world.

I don’t know
I really don’t know if this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand…

The lights come down
I feel I could
The lights come down
And I know I should step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground

Running, running
Running, running

***

Song / Running by Evermore

Through the Rain / Chapter 35

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 23:06:44 GMT

'The Summer Loving'

***

As the many phases of the moon would take its course, they would mark the end of each day and soon these recurring moons would mark the very end of summer, and the traits that would characterize autumn had fallen upon them. It’s when the leaves would turn to earthen hues and drift slowly back into the ground, the wind would blow and swirl nature’s wonderments, and you were caught directly in the midst of it all. Again, like summer, each season would eventually come to a halt and transition into the next, and we find that in San Francisco, autumn is ending and the season is almost about to change yet again.

It had been three months since that night of the storm. Then sun returned eventually as it was always promising after the rain dried. Cracks in the ceiling had been patched up and the pouring drops of water subsided. When it did the gang found themselves trying to make the most of the two weeks they had left of their summer vacation.

Though Ryan finished out his time at the firm, Summer tied up loose ends with her projects, as did Seth, and Marissa continued to work at the café, the generous amount of warmth prompted a return to rest and relaxation by the beachside with all four of them. Spending their last Sunday upon the shore it was reminiscent to their time on the beach just before their senior year of high school had begun. It was time to get away from a life that was lived like an incessant race. As the boys lay comfortable on the beach that day with their eyes closed to filter out the sunlight, as they slept the girls took it upon themselves to turn them into static beach sculptures; covering them up to the neck in sand and chiseled into voluptuous mermaids. When the two young men had awoken to find they’d grown grain-textured breasts they squirmed their way out on a mission to track down the beautiful culprits who were a short distance away having come back from an ice cream run. Chasing them down across the sands they grabbed hold of their slim figures and tickled them to death; the ice cream cones long gone and melted away.

Once the laughter died Ryan and Marissa made the journey back to the mobile dessert cart to replace the ice creams they had dropped. As Marissa stood their sun-kissed and in nothing but a bikini and flip-flops, it wasn’t hard for a well toned surfer to stare and try and engage her with small talk and his flirting skills. Ryan, unappreciative and submissively jealous couldn’t help but cut in and encourage the guy to be on his way. Marissa rolled her eyes with a laugh and pulled him into a passionate kiss as the sun began to set and denoted the end of their vacation time.

School had resumed and after clearing up their timetables, everyone had found themselves in a constant routine. Marissa and Seth had again been sharing a class, and took up another with Summer learning all about fashion imaging, while balancing two other loads and keeping her job in check. Seth continued to work on his side project, the graphic novel, sparingly, while Summer kept up with her photography and continued to get involved in various things related as much as time permit, now leaving Ryan to have the most time on his hands considering his paid internship was completed.

So, for a month into autumn, Ryan continued to support Sarah with going to her group meetings like Marissa encouraged until Sarah had felt ready to leave at the end of September. As fate would have it one afternoon, Ryan had a class run longer than anticipated and as Sarah waited for him, Marissa turned up unexpected and she found herself volunteering to go with her to that meeting. Though Marissa listened intently, she realized as these talks proceeded she had already distanced herself from these problems she once had, and came to feel that she had completely let those demons go, so if anything at least her going helped to bridge the gap in her not-so-existent relationship with Sarah.

It was on one of the last sessions Sarah had that Ryan had attended, that he actually looked back and reflected upon all that was said by all these strangers, and after absorbing all that he had heard, all that he had seen, after all the stories they had told, that he came to understand how much Marissa had gone through without him. In light of that, in a spur of the moment decision he booked a weekend for the two of them at a bed and breakfast just outside the city. Marissa’s face lit up when he had told her after surprising her at the end of one of her classes and started with their time together a lot earlier than expected. The weekend was spent with a lot of scattered petals, a lot of soft whispers through the candlelight, and a lot of time amongst the sheets just dissolved into each other.

When Marissa had gotten back she couldn’t wipe the smile on her face. From the time he dropped her off, from the time it took her to get through the lift, the walk down the hallway on her floor, she immersed herself in the bliss of those last three days, that is, until she walked in on Kyle half naked with what looked to be her new boyfriend. The shock wasn’t so much that there were two half naked people in her dorm room, but rather that one turned out to be Ethan. Marissa’s jaw was wedged ajar as both of them fumbled their way to their strewn clothes lying around the floor. Apparently, she and Ethan had bumped into each other on campus and met through another mutual friend. After going to lunch they’d been seeing each other for a number of weeks but refrained from telling Marissa for fear it would be awkward. Marissa just looked on amused and genuinely happy for the two and congratulated them; she held off on the hug until they were completely dressed.

All in all everyone had been perfectly happy. Summer had successfully made it into a city exhibition with her Rock and Roll inspired piece that included Marissa. Ryan and Marissa was not surprisingly late to this event also just like Summer’s last exhibition they attended. As Ryan grew excitable at the risqué images of Marissa in tight leather they made an escape midway through to the coat room; propping her against the wall behind a row of Burberry trench-coats, they walked out a while later looking slightly disheveled and completely satisfied.

Sandy, Kirsten, and Neil had also made it a point to come out to San Francisco to visit the kids and see Summer’s work; the extended family grabbing dinner afterwards to catch up on all their lives events. Julie had been expected to go but was conveniently armed with an excuse not to. If Julie couldn’t be brought to San Francisco then it was Marissa from San Francisco that would go out to her. Marissa still under the assumption Julie was in recovery had made regular trips back home to Newport, at least one weekend every few weeks and had kept this up ever since school had started. Upon her visits, Julie was seemingly stable and getting better, but there were always the things that she didn’t see, the things most people hadn’t seen either.

***

"I need milk, oh and cereal, oh and those crackers with the things…you know the ones with the thing on the top…" Marissa says in her own world as she sits cross-legged in the shopping cart as Ryan pushes it through the aisles of the grocery store on a lazy Saturday afternoon.

"Marissa", Ryan says calmly but with an unwavering look on his face, "I love you, but another word and I’m leaving you here amongst the canned goods."

Marissa tilted her head a little confused and furrowing her eyebrows, she purses her lips and goes quiet.

"Okay, now where’s the breakfast aisle?" He continues as he studies the large signage hung up at the end of each row and Marissa merely raises a hand in the air rigidly and points bluntly in the desired direction. Sighing with a smile he stops the cart and steps around to stand in front of her. "Is this where I get the silent treatment", he quizzes.

All he gets in response though is a mimed ‘yep’, a silent laugh, and a pat on the back.

He laughs in return and leans down to kiss her atop her head. "If I apologize will that help?"

She shrugs in a cheeky manner.

"I’m sorry, but all I meant was just one thing at a time okay, I’m not feeling all that great, because well, you broke my back last night." He joked.

"I did not!" She said aloud with eyes wide open and playfully hit him upside the arm as he chuckled.

"But in a good way!" He added bashfully as he scooped her lips into a kiss to keep her from protesting any further.

"Are you giving me lip, Atwood?"

"Absolutely", Ryan smiled as he resumed his post pushing the cart and she went off her short-lived talking strike.

"Can you believe it’s almost Thanksgiving again?"

"Remember our last Thanksgiving?" He laughed as they passed the organized shelved items and the other shoppers going about their business.

"Not really…"

"Why doesn’t that surprise me, you were drunk half the time…"

"I was not drunk, I was just busy…"

"Busy getting drunk…"

She got up on her knees as she scanned the high in fiber products, "Busy trying to convince myself not to throw something at you", she smiled.

"You know forgetting about that for a second, you and Summer actually cooked up a great dinner, is that what you guys are doing this year?"

"Yeah, actually, Sandy, Kirsten, and Dr. Roberts, will be coming up for Thanksgiving and I’ll convince my mom to visit when I go back next week." Marissa answered while she threw in two different cereal boxes and went back to sitting as Ryan pressed on.

"What are you cooking tonight anyway?"

"I don’t know, I thought I’d make pasta and we could grab some movies on the way back to my place."

He smiled as he stopped to pick up some breakfast food for his own apartment and threw it for her to catch and place in the trolley. "Are you sure we’re not going to be intruding on a half-naked Kyle and Ethan."

"No", she giggled, "she’s staying over at his place tonight….why…do you have something in mind…"

"I might…" He grinned as they continued with their afternoon of grocery shopping followed with a night of dinner, classic movies, and everything that was on Ryan’s mind.

***

You know what’s one thing that differentiates autumn from all the other seasons? After the foliage has scattered and flown away, the trees stand bare, their skeletons and inner weavings are there for the whole world to see. To admire…maybe…but it depends what you’re looking at.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 34

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 22:52:36 GMT

'The Hard Word'

***

It’s the early evening on a Saturday night. Somehow the heat and the relentless sun throughout the past two weeks had withered away and had turned into dark grey skies and providing the city with unwelcome rain. The drops hit the glass panes at a steady pace and the dews lathered the streets as if covered in gloss, brushed over the asphalt. Summer had just shut the last window to stop the wind blowing in the damp air as Seth walked into their lounge dressed in a white tee and plaid flannel pajamas while he ran a towel through his hair. A light streak of neon pale blue cut through the sky as the lamp slightly flickered, and Seth sat on the sofa beginning to run through a stack of rented movies upon their coffee table.

“What’s with all the movies?” Seth asked.

“Ryan and Marissa are coming over tonight.” She said as she casually strolled into the kitchen, searching the cupboards for their supply of snack food.

“Do I need to call Ryan and tell him to wear protective gear before coming here in case of a certain someone’s rage?” He remarked proud of his own joke.

She rolled her eyes as she poured a sea of chips into a bowl, “No Cohen, we’re fine.”

He furrowed his eyebrows at the thought, set the DVD’s down and made his way to the kitchen with his towel slung over his shoulder. “Since when?”

“Since…I realized it shouldn’t matter as long as Coop’s happy, and she’s happy, so I’m happy for her and I’m happy for the both of them.” She answered looking back to realize just how many times she said the word ‘happy’.

Seth looked at her skeptically for a brief moment before letting it go, “Well I’m proud of you, because you’re right, if they’re happy then that’s all that matters.” He answered as he went around to kiss her atop her forehead before reaching for the fridge and grabbing a bottle of soda. “So when are they coming?”

“They should be here soon”, she answered as she took the cordless phone off the stand and a knock came right on the mark, “Would you mind getting that? I’m going to call for pizza.”

She turned her back while Seth went to open the door for the punctual couple, peering through the hole first and unlocking it before being greeted with the smiles of two faces.

“Hey Seth”, Marissa beamed as she eagerly stepped forward to give him a hug which he gladly reciprocated. After letting go she shed herself of her jacket hanging both hers and Ryan’s on the stand before making her way out to the balcony to let the water drip from her umbrella on the outside. Closing it, she rubbed her arms to shake off the cold.

“Hey guys”, Summer smiled as she came out of the kitchen giving Ryan a kiss on the cheek which had him taken aback but still welcomed regardless, he looked to Seth without a word while Seth just gave the ‘okay’ signal with his fingers and a ridiculous wink as Marissa playfully messed with his brown locks of hair. “I just called for pizza, but they’re down a delivery guy and it’ll take longer to get here so someone has to pick it up, Cohen.”

“Why me?” He asked incredulously.

“That’s okay, I’ll get it”, Marissa offered as she took a chip out of Summer’s prepared bowl and offered the other half to Ryan.

“You want me to go with you”, Ryan said, leant up against the couch.

“No, it’s not that far, I’ll be fine”, she smiled as he reached over to her waist and reeled her in for a kiss.

“Are you sure?”

“Protective much?” She teased “I’ll be fine. Actually, I should go, by the time I get there it should be ready.” Marissa got up and went back to grab the umbrella before giving him a peck on the cheek.

“Drive carefully…” He added as she headed out the door, and she emphasized a nod before closing it.

It had been the first time since Marissa’s arrival from Newport that the three left in the room had actually been altogether; the first time since they’d found out Marissa left that they’d actually talked about Julie. The mood in the air wasn’t hard to decipher as the moments passed and Marissa was sure to have been out of the building at that point. Summer’s gaze went back and forth between the two young men as she was almost rocking on her heels. Seth decided to avoid the build up of uncertainty by averting his attention to the television but was surprisingly the first to speak.

“Are we going to tell her?” He asked almost forthright without looking at the others, yet worried for his friend at the same time. When he spoke, both Summer and Ryan looked to him suddenly then both walked over and fell heavy into sitting positions on the couch. “I think we should tell her…” Seth continued meekly.

“I agree”, Ryan answered submissively, even shocking himself to a degree.

“You do?” Seth asked in turn.

“You do?” Summer repeated.

He joined his hands together and rubbed his knuckles repeatedly with his thumb before rationalizing, “I do. I mean, guys, we don’t know how sick Julie is. We know ultimately she’s not getting better, and her mom…it could be a long time before she even says anything…”

“So we tell her?” Seth rhetorically asks, concurring with his decision.

It was clear Summer wasn’t as eager to get on board so she retorted, “What happens when we tell her, huh? Then what? We’ve kept this from her for more than half the year, how do you think she’s going to react. She trusted us. How do we just one day tell her, her mom is slowly dying?” She began tearing up at the thought, Marissa’s trust in her, and the misplaced faith she failed to put into her best friend.

Seth came to sit by her and wrapped an arm across her shoulder, “Summer, she’s going to find out sooner or later…” he reasoned.

“I still want Julie to tell her…it should be her. We agreed it was what she wanted. I mean Ryan, you and Marissa haven’t been on the best terms for weeks, so what’s going to happen when she finds out you knew…that we all knew?”

Ryan let her last notion reside within himself. His memories drew back to a lot of the fighting he and Marissa had been having, and if it weren’t arguments, it was the absence of communicating as a whole. He drew back to the anger, a lot of the old issues they had just gotten past, the tears, the night they finally felt they had resolved a lot of pent up frustration, they’re beautiful night having dinner under the cloudless sky, and then his thoughts snapped back into the present and how a lot of what they’d worked for, their trust in each other, lost and jeopardized if she found out. “What are we supposed to do Summer, wait? Say nothing and hope Julie will tell her and leave us out of it…”

“Maybe she’ll find out we knew all along, but this secret is not ours to tell her, and we should leave it…”

“Summer I don’t know”, Seth spoke up.

Ryan had again been torn, after combing his fingers through his hair and sighing heavily he answered, “Okay, I’ll agree to wait…”

Summer was somewhat relieved and she looked to Seth in hopes of obtaining the same answer, “Seth…”

Seth knew he was outnumbered and he just stood up and shook his head in disbelief, “Alright, you two do whatever you want.”

“Seth”, Summer repeated almost pleadingly.

He exhaled clearly opposed to their decision, “I won’t say anything…”

***

The few pizza slices were left sparingly in the box as the four of them had now been lounging around the sofas and armchairs watching one of the rental movies of Summer’s choice. Marissa rested her head against Ryan’s shoulder as he rubbed her arm in a slow motion. Seth sat on the floor beside Summer eating popcorn and had a pained expression wiped on his face. The storm outside had become audibly noticeable and streaks of light came frequently as it gushed through the darkened room.

“These cheerleaders are giving me a headache”, Seth said sarcastically, “I can’t believe they made a ‘Bring it On: Part Three’, I didn’t even know there was a ‘Part Two’. What does that tell you?”

Ryan and Marissa laughed slightly as Summer playfully poked a finger at the back of his head. “It’s not that bad…”

“I’m begging to differ…”

“Of course you would.”

“Summer, I think they should’ve stopped after the first one”, he teased.

A thunderous roar came as they could feel the building almost shake as it came and went, causing them all to jump slightly at the unexpected booming. A flash that illuminated the room quickly disappeared as the lights from the kitchen and the television had cut out. Seth grabbed the remote control and tried to repeatedly get it to turn back on as Summer went to the light switch and check to see if it was working. After several attempts and no hope it was clear the power had cut out and they were left in the darkness.

“There is a god.” Seth joked about the failed movie in the high density of blackened space.

“Cohen…”

“Alright we need flashlights, candles, something…” Ryan finally said as he and Marissa both got up.

The four of them had searched the apartment for any source of light they could find that didn’t require electricity. Candles were carefully strewn upon the side and coffee table providing the room with a lightened orange hue. Ryan lay with knees bent on the floor looking up the ceiling and Marissa right by him on her front as she rested her head in her hands with her elbows propped up and her legs swinging lazily in the air. Summer pulled at the strands of her hair as if checking for split ends while her back lay on the seat of the armchair and her legs high up, and Seth was stretched on the couch throwing a cushy ball upward which he found while searching for matches; all had reduced looks on their faces with boredom written all over them.

“This bites”, Summer said.

“Tell me about it…” Marissa replied.

“We should do something…”

“Like what?” Ryan asked monotonously.

“I don’t know, what did people do back when they didn’t have electricity?”

Seth looked to his girlfriend, “I don’t know, hunt and gather food…prepare crop for the season.” His smile was met with a look of disdain so he quickly wiped his smirk off.

“Ooh! Marissa said wide eyed, we could play a game, or a board-game”

“Except we don’t have a board-game”, Seth responded.

“No that’s not true Cohen, we have Scrabble.”

“Scrabble?”

“Yeah, we do, I think…” Summer said as she immediately got to her feet and carefully walked to one of the hallway closets full of all sorts. Rummaging through the items stacked, the other three could only hear her straining to reach a box behind a crate of books. “We do”, she smiled happily as she dusted off the surface and walked back to sit amongst them.

“We’re seriously going to play Scrabble”, Seth asked.

“We don’t have anything better to do…”

“That’s true”, Ryan said as they all got up and sat around the four edges of the coffee table and Summer laid out the board and handed everyone a stand to line up their letters. After choosing seven pieces everyone had gone quiet as they began rearranging their tiles.

“Alright I’m going first”, Summer said aloud.

“Why do you get to go first?” Seth asked.

“I went to go get it…” She said simply, “Alright clockwise, Me, Ryan, Marissa, then Seth.” Laying out her first word upon the center of the board, she said proudly, “R-A-B-B-I-T. ‘Rabbit’”.

As Ryan rearranged his letters Marissa slowly crept to his side in attempted stealth and lay kisses on his bare neck, “I know what you’re trying to do…” He laughed.

“What?”

“You’re trying to get a look at my letters, cheater”, he said as he lay down the word ‘Ridge’ under Summer’s ‘B’ to form ‘Bridge’.

“I was not!” She said in mock astonishment, sitting up with her jaw hanging. As she moved back to her side Ryan smiled a moved in her direction to return the favor. “Hey!” Marissa said as she immediately covered her letter of tiles.

“What? You did the same thing.” He said as he quickly grabbed at her waist and she jerked at the ticklish feeling before she shooed him back to his spot.

Marissa organized her tiles to form another word on the board as Summer kept score and it was soon Seth’s turn. He sat there pinching at his lips and making fish faces as he studied the letters in front of him: X-M-N-R-A-H-G. Racking his brain and raking his hair with his hands he concentrated on trying to form anything possible.

As more time was lost the others were getting restless as Seth would make numerous attempts to lay the letters down but retract his decision. “Come on Cohen…” Summer spoke up.

“You can’t rush it Summer.”

“Come on, man”, Ryan chided.

“What do you even have?” Marissa asked unobvious that she was now leaning to have a peek.

“Hey, back to your corner”, Seth said immediately and she hit him on the arm lightly. Finally after some time, he places his H and A on the board to make the word ‘Hat’ then smiles for his efforts.

“That’s it?” asked Ryan. “We waited all that time so you could spell ‘Hat’?”

“I didn’t have anything else”, he said while Summer just shook her head.

“Seth you a*sshat.”

As the night poured on and the storm had slowly calmed and died with only light patters of rain to be heard, the game had come to a long overdue end with no help from Seth. With Ryan declared as the winner, everything had been packed away and they all went back to sitting lazily on the couch and passing around the left over popcorn amongst themselves. Suddenly cutting through the quiet air Ryan’s cell had begun to ring as he tried to get hold of it.

“Hello?”

Marissa looked to him wondering who it was as he mimed ‘Sarah’ to her.

“It’s okay…and the rest of it? How about everywhere else…okay…okay…I’ll be there soon.”

“Is everything alright?” Marissa asked as he flipped his cell closed.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just rain caused a few leaks in the ceiling back at our place. She was trying to find a flashlight and found some of my stuff on the desk had been soaked, so I’m going to go home and check it out.”

“Okay, alright, I’ll drive you back.”

“Thanks”, he said as they all got to their feet and Marissa went around grabbing their things and searching for her keys before saying their goodbyes.

***

She threw him the car keys and he drove the short distance back to his place, the whole way he kept her hand in his as he steered with the other. Occasionally he would look over to her and smile which she gladly returned. The silences were comfortable, enjoying the quiet in each other’s presence, and he mimed an ‘I love you’ which caused her to go slightly pink and if it could be seen, she knew her heart would’ve glowed the brightest red.

Upon reaching the apartment they found Sarah watering a few plants with the water collected in one of the buckets before she set it down to take the place of another under one of the leaks. She had her hair up in a messy bun and was wearing a midriff tank and pajamas while still managing to look attractive. Candles had also been strewn around their place in a similar fashion to Seth and Summer’s, “Is everything okay here?” Ryan asked as he went to his room to survey the damage and Marissa followed after giving Sarah a small wave.

“Yeah, everything’s okay. Sorry I didn’t notice the leak in your room earlier…”

“It’s not your fault”, he called out as he looked to find a whole stack of books that had been soaked and the ink smudged on some prints he’d done for work.

“Can I help?” Marissa asked, careful as to where she tread.

Ryan bit his lip and looked at her rather overwhelmed at where to start. “Actually I should be okay…It’s late, I can take care of this.” He said reassuringly. “Plus the bed…” He indicated to the damp marks on his sheets.

“It’s no problem Ryan, I can stay…” She said as her phone suddenly rang unexpectedly and quickly answered it, “Hey! I wasn’t expecting you!” She laughed as the person on the other end spoke, “What about the RA? Okay…okay…alright I’ll see you.”

“Who was that?”

“Kyle, actually…”

“She’s back?” Ryan enquired as he began separating his belongings.

“Yeah, she’s back, and she doesn’t have a key. The RA is out so…”

“You have to go”, he said as he turned and pulled her close.

“You can always come back to my place and sleep seeing as how your mattress is kind of…out of order”, she laughed.

“That’s tempting”, he said as their lips melted together and forgot about the problem at hand if only for a second, and in that second the lights in the apartment had turned on as did the television outside and the both of them looked around to find the electricity restored. “I think I’ll be spending the night trying to fan everything out…” he chuckled. “But you should go, tell Kyle I said hi…”

“Are you sure?” She repeated looking directly at him as her arms remained wrapped around his neck.

“Yeah, I can take care of it…”

“Yeah, we can take care of it…” Sarah smiled as she stood by the doorway and offered Ryan an empty bucket to replace the one beside him that was continuing to fill.

“Thanks”, Ryan answered as Marissa gave her a half smile with not much to say.

“Okay…well, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

He followed her out and walked her to the door, “Yeah, I’ll come by tomorrow…you’ll be okay to drive?”

“Yes…” She glared at him playfully. “I’ll be fine.” She kissed him once more before taking one last glimpse at the whole picture, “I love you.”

“Love you too…” He smiled as she turned and made her own way out.

“So, I guess we should get started”, Sarah said upon Marissa leaving. Ryan went straight to his room to grab some things as Sarah left to get a hair dryer and both meeting in their lounge.

“You don’t have to…”

“It’s fine…so, you and Marissa seem to be doing really well…” She pointed out as they set themselves up on the dry area on the floor.

“Yeah…we do seem to be…” Ryan reflected as he paused momentarily before grabbing one of the dryers and began airing out each leaf of paper from one of his texts and smiled.

***

Seth and Summer lay wrapped in each others’ arms amongst the candles now died out and leaving them in darkness and sound asleep. In another part of the city Marissa smiled as she and Kyle swapped stories with hot chocolate on her bed until the latest hours. Back in Ryan’s apartment he and Sarah had made the rounds in emptying the large containers of water and worked as the droplets seeped through the cracks. It wasn’t until morning that the weather had made a turn around, but as seasons change there is no telling how long the sun-filled days were to last.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 33

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 05:03:36 GMT

'The Shades of Gray'

***

The heat was perfect for short skirts, loose tanks and flip flops. Marissa walked with a chilled iced tea and basked in the glow of the sunlight after running some errands. Her hair up in a simple ponytail, she took off her sunglasses as she stepped inside a local bakery only to walk out several minutes later sporting a carry bag retaining stalks of baguettes.

Passing some familiar faces along the way she waves to them and continues to sip her tea; savoring the cool sensation as it enters her system. The atmosphere brings a smile to her face while coming to a small antique store concealed in the nook of the city she’d never noticed. It reminds her of New York, a place she and Summer had visited on their trip. In no rush she decides to take a peek. Taking the last drops of her tea and leaving the container on borderline dry, she throws it into a nearby trash can before turning back.

The ‘open’ sign is painted in elegant script on a thin carving of wood hung behind the glass pane of the door. She turns the knob and it slightly creaks before she swings it slowly into an open position, the sound of soft chimes ring as a string of bells attached on a hook start to sway in motion. The woman behind the counter greets her with a smile that she returns before getting back to her reading of a novel sprawled out in front of her. Marissa’s eyes are guided around the space as she glances at shelves of books, rungs of old wears, tables of trinkets, and pathways lined with antiquities. She’s mesmerized by the way the shop transforms her into another time, becoming another world.

She starts to peruse the shelves, easing through the store carefully out of fear of breaking something priceless. Stopping by the literary pieces lined neatly, she lets her fingers do the walking as she reads the titles on its spine. After several moments she comes to a hard-cover book slightly tattered at the edges but still in good condition. ‘The Traveling Autumn’ it reads on its front in gold foiling against its crimson background. Intrigued, she flicks through it and it seems to be a publishing based on letters between a woman and her lover. Dates would reappear in the corners and signatures by the bottom, as the pages flickered she could see the semblances of poetry every few leafs. Turning to a random passage she read it, from the way she perceives it she understands it to be from the woman, she speaks of her visit to a foreign land, how much she thinks of her lover when she would step out into the sunrise, how she can’t wait until they see each other again.

Marissa falls in love with it and takes it to the counter, the woman of about fifty sets her own book aside and greets her, “Ah, The Traveling Autumn; The letters from Ann Gray. It’s a beautiful book”, she says genuinely.

“You’ve read it?”

“A while ago now, but yes, they only made a short run of these back in the sixties. She was a writer, a poet really, traveling the world in search of someone she’d lost.”

“How did you come across it?” Marissa asked curious as she took out her purse.

“It’d been salvaged from an estate a while back. You made a good choice.”

“I’ve only lived in the city for about a year, I’m sorry to say I never noticed your shop until today.” She said politely as the woman completed the transaction on the register.

Easing the book into the complimentary paper wrap before placing it into a neat shopping bag, she answered “I think I’ve had this shop before your time dear.”

“Do you ever find it hard to part with anything?”

“Sometimes, but there’s no point in keeping them from the world, the whole point of these things is so they can be shared, appreciated.” The lady smiles back and hands Marissa her change and her shopping bag containing the book.

“Thanks”, she answers simply before making her way out.

***

Approaching her dorm room still with the baguettes and book in her possession, she stops short when she sees his figure mere steps ahead just about to knock on her door. “Hey”, she smiles while he turns slightly startled and he casually walks towards her.

“Hey”, he takes her by the waist gently and pulls her into an embrace and she willingly obliges.

She wraps her arms across his shoulders and let’s her lips make contact with his. Massaging the base of her neck with his free hand they slowly pull back. “I didn’t know you were coming by”, Marissa said pleasantly surprised.

“I know, I finished up early”, she releases herself from his clutches to fiddle around for her keys. The soft jingling heard within her purse allows her to take hold of it and with a few swift motions she pushes the door open to the apartment.

“Well it was nice of you to come see me”, she answers sweetly while setting her things down.

Taking in a deep breath he approaches her from behind and his hands snake around to encircle her. He rests his chin on her shoulder and lightly kisses the path along her neck that leads him to inhale the fruity scent stemming from her shampoo. “How was your day?”

His presence and the breaths upon her skin caused her to giggle and revel in the feeling as if she were a high school girl in love. “It was good. I just came back from running some errands. How was your day?”

“I got a lot of work done so I could come here. I was thinking maybe I could take you out for dinner.”

She turned to face him with a bright smile plastered on her, “That sounds good, where are we going?”

“Well I thought maybe we could grab something on the way and take it to the park at The Gate.”

“Dinner huh? So what do we do between now and dinner?” Marissa says teasingly as she and Ryan exchange knowing grins. The hot air flowing into the room intensifies rapidly as soon as they both carry out persistent kisses as if to test the waters and get a feel for what the other was wanting. His hands reach for the elastic keeping her hair up, tugging at it gently until it falls to let her hair drape freely across her tanned shoulders.

His fingers follow her curves down to her hips and he can’t help but catch glimpses of her powder blue laced bra under the loose and minimal tank he couldn’t wait to peel off her. Taking initiative she pulls at her hemline and eases it slowly off over the top of her head while he’s studious and examining each part of her bare skin in awe. As she then picks up his lips with her own their palettes meld in exploration of each others’ mouths while Marissa starts to free him from his tie and work shirt.

Still never breaking the union of their mouths he manages to find the zip in her skirt, sliding it down until it falls to the floor like nothing at all. Leaving her in her matching blue thong he takes firm hold of her derrière and propels her upwards for her to wrap her long limbs around him. Caressing her smooth body take him on a high as they both knock into the walls continuously as he leads them through the short hall to the bedroom. He sets her gently on the bed while swiftly removing the remainder of his clothing. Lying down and watching him she grins and her pupils dilate, widening at the sight of his hardness.

Moving forward onto the bed in a hunter-like motion he tugs at the lace on her underwear and grazes the skin with his lips by her hip bone and leading himself along a transparent line to stop at her naval and end at her cleavage. She arches her back to create enough clearance for Ryan to reach under and unclasp her bra. As her back rises her hips follow suit instinctively, lifting off the bed and pushing towards him. In that instant he loses control and his mind is unable to function at its best. Discarding the bra, her thong soon too becomes a lamp ornament not long after.

As he cups her refined breasts his mouth moves back towards hers, using his own to part her lips for his tongue to have enough space to re-enter; the sensations running fluidly throughout their bodies releases itself through their increasing embraces. The sweat starts to build and lather their bodies and their minds are set to only one thing. “Ryan, Ryan the drawer”, she pants almost desperately as Ryan reluctantly moves aside to grab a condom from her bedside table.

***

The headboard knocks and rebounds off the wall as he moves expertly within her and she welcomes each thrust as if any moment now one of them would send her over the edge. Their loud cries of each others names were thrown into the wind and uncaring of who heard them.

***

After the exhausting snippet from the afternoon the pair woke from a short sleep wrapped in each others’ arms. Marissa was the first to wake, and she lay beside him watching his light breaths accompany the rise and fall of his chest. He slowly woke feeling the rays from a pair of eyes watching him, he yawned only to be met with Marissa’s smile when his eyes finally did open.

“Must you do that?” He joked.

“Hey, it’s not like you don’t do it…”

Stretching his limbs and Marissa adjusting herself so he can extend his arms that were so carefully placed around her, he looked to the clock on the stand that was nearing on six, “I didn’t realize we were out for that long. How long have you been awake?”

“I don’t know, half an hour.”

“You could’ve woken me”, he said while turning back to engulf her in his limbs under the sheets.

She giggled in the slightest, “I know, but I wanted you to rest.”

“Should we get ready to go?”

“Yeah, I’m going to quickly have a shower”, she said as she pecked him on the forehead and left the warmth of his arms. He smiled at the sight of her lithe nude body walking in the direction of the bathroom. “Do you need an invitation?” She said frankly with her back turned before exiting the room. Grinning at her audacity he sat up amongst the covers before he hurriedly followed the trail of steam that had already started to build up.

***

The pair sat on the hood of the range rover eating out of Chinese take-out containers. Watching the city together brought about a sense of normality, something they hadn’t been able to share in a while. The lights of the city were always beautiful at that time of night, watching it from a distance like onlookers, everything felt right when they were in the presence of the other.

“You know on my way home today I passed this antique store. It was weird, I go past that way all the time but never noticed it.” Marissa said as she fed him one of her seafood dumplings.

“Maybe it was new…”

“The lady who I owned it said she’d had that store there for like at least twenty years. It was just odd that after all this time...”

“Did you end up going in?” He enquired as he offered out to her a bite out of his noodles.

“I did actually. It was a nice little shop. I bought a book.” She said with her eyes lighting up. She set her container down, “I’m going to go get it”, he took her by the hand and helped her down off the car as she quickly got to her feet, went around to the passenger door and whipped out her bag with the same crimson book partly sticking out. Helping her back up again, she resumed her place next to him, careful not to knock the food.

“So what’s it about?” He asked rather interested while she pulled out the book and brought it out in front of her.

“I’ve only flicked through it, but basically it’s about this woman, her name’s Ann Gray. She was a writer and in it there’s all these letters and poetry she wrote to her lover as she was traveling around the world. It’s about her journey and what happened to the both of them.”

“So where was her boyfriend, or whoever it was she was writing to?”

“I think he was set to marry someone else and she was going off to school, but in any case, their lives were going in different directions, and one day she had just left the town where they met and as she went around the world, wrote these letters to him.”

“Did they ever get back together?” Ryan asked curious while he set aside his now finished container of noodles.

“I don’t know, I’ll have to get to the end to see.”

He took the book from her as she leant her head upon his shoulder and linked her arm with his as he flicked the pages for both of them to view. Coming to a halt he came to a page where there was black ink inscribed on the bottom that was clearly hand-written and didn’t seem befitting to the rest of the text. He read aloud:

For my Elizabeth,
I await the day for you to return in my arms.
These words here above is forever how I will remember you.
All my love, Avery.

Written just below in a different script it follows:

The day has come.
Avery and Elizabeth, 1967.

“Oh that’s so sweet”, Marissa cooed as her face looked as if she were staring at a new born child. Ryan continued to turn the pages where they had found more markings from previous owners with the dedications between lovers throughout time, each accompanying their own poem written by Gray. Names were scattered throughout it sparingly, and it was then that Marissa had gotten an idea as she whipped out a pen and flashed it to Ryan who was looking at her bewildered. “I think we should find our own and write in it, carry on the tradition.”

“I think they’re all taken”, he said with a smile.

“No they’re not, we can find one”, she answered encouragingly.

“The Dying Sparrow”, he read out coming to a poem with no inscription around it.

“Yeah, I wonder why that’s blank.” She remarked sarcastically, playfully elbowing him and he laughed.

Ryan continues to browse the marked leaves of paper until coming to another, “I have Faith in the Universe” he read out once more.

She looks intrigued, “read it to me…”

“Okay…” He said as she rested upon his shoulder and he kissed the top of her head before reading into the night air.

I HAVE FAITH IN THE UNIVERSE

I have feared love.
To give, to seek, to never be given to.
Wilting autumn leaves fall,
breaking free of its creator.
They are reminders at my feet.
They are the hourglass of my life.

I am conscious of time.
To lose, to have too much, to spend unwise.
Stars come to join the symphony,
Though they mark the end of another day,
It is still the blanket in my midnight.
It is what connects me back to you.

I will be a believer.
In you, in myself, in us.
When the rain falls,
If the storm is in its darkest hour,
I know it can be weathered.
I know it is not the end, for there is no such thing.

I shall return.
Learn to have faith in me.
The sun can be restored
And the icicles can turn to calm waters.
I have faith in the universe.
I have learnt to have faith in you.

By the end of it, Marissa’s eyes had slightly begun to water as she sniffed quietly as Ryan finished and wrapped his free arm around her and drawing her closer. “So, I take it that’s a no”, Ryan joked trying to lighten the mood.

“No I loved it…” she said while composing herself and taking the pen she had, sprawling the book out onto Ryan’s lap so she could write in it.

No matter where life takes us, I will have faith in the universe. I will have faith in you.
Ryan and Marissa.

“What do you think?” She asked as she turned the book around to show him.

“Perfect”, he simply replied.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 32

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:59:11 GMT

'The Subject Matter'

***

As she could see her best friend through the glass window in the distance finishing up with a customer, a bright smile was washed across her face. Seeing her happy was important to Summer, and having to know about Julie’s health was a heavy burden. A big part of her knew it was wrong, but she hadn’t grown enough courage to be the one to flip Marissa’s world upside down. The lie gets worse and worse everyday they decide to keep it from her but she just couldn’t do it.

The short brunette entered the small quaint café with quick planted steps and became engulfed in the smell of warm espresso, passing the customers as she walked on. "Are you ready to go?" She asked once coming to a halt now facing the tall blonde behind the counter after flipping her sunglasses atop her head.

"Yeah, just a second", Marissa said as she folded up her apron and made her way behind the staff door grabbing her purse then popping back out a moment later. "Alright let’s go…" She said with a breath as she and Summer happily walked out through the entrance stepping back out onto the sidewalks of San Francisco.

"I’m glad you’re back, Coop", the wind began blowing gently as the leaves fell flickering across the city while the two young women got on either side of Summer’s Beamer and pulled out, joining the flow of traffic. "Did you get home okay?"

"No thanks to you…" Marissa joked.

"Sorry about not picking you up from the airport. Cohen had told Ryan about the flight", Summer said regretfully as she bit her lip.

Marissa smiled as she dusted off a scuff on her jeans. "It’s okay Sum, don’t worry about it. So anyway, where are we going?" She asked while putting her sunglasses on.

Summer applied her breaks gently as she made a turn continuing along the tailored pathways, "Oh yeah, about that…I kind of need a favor", she said with a slight wince while coming to steep slope towards another stop light.

Marissa was skeptical and narrowed her eyebrows, "What kind of favor?"

"I’m short one model", Summer answered as she looked to her back seat indicating a pile of photography equipment loaded.

The blonde’s eyes widened at the sight, "No Sum! I thought we were having lunch, shopping, maybe dinner…" she argued. "I just came from work. I’m a mess."

"No, I can take care of that, see I’ve got this friend I met through Ash who’s studying to be a make-up artist. He’s amazing. He does hair too and he offered to help me out." She explained trying to be as persuasive as possible.

"Summer…"

"What’s better than spending the rest of the day with me?" She responded like a salesperson on their tenth cup of coffee.

"A lot of things right now, actually", Marissa retorted sarcastically. A long pause ensued as Summer kept a hopeful smile plastered on her face. "You do know you did the same thing when were in New York. Does a wedding dress and a hundred people ring a bell?"

"I promise there’s no dress, and…it’s for a good cause", she added.

"Which is?" Marissa queried as she tipped her sunglasses down for Summer to see her eyes darting at her before pushing them back up in place.

"Well Coop, what I’m doing today will be my submission for this city photography exhibition. It’ll look so good on my credentials later if I get chosen for it. I’ll also throw in a free dinner."

Marissa gave her a piercing look, "Fine, but only because one day I’ll probably need a favor and when that day comes I don’t want to hear anything out of you." She said bluntly.

"You have my word."

The girls soon pulled up to a familiar site. Parking the car just at the tip of the expansive park across the street the aisle was lined with the picturesque Victorian housing. A few other cars were similarly parked ahead of them and by their vehicles a group of people stood around in conversation, all of them turning simultaneously to see Summer and Marissa as they stepped out. "I love it here, it’s just how it looked when we would watch Full House." Summer said.

Marissa took in the atmosphere and smiled under the warm summer sun. She looked out onto the blanket of greenery, "Ryan and I have gone here a few times, not for a while though", she said with fond memories as it drew back to about ten months ago when they had their close encounter after having broken up, and tied her hair up in a quick ponytail.

"Fi!" Summer called out in the direction of the people gathered several feet away. A tall beauty with short, choppy blonde hair smiled widely and walked up to them, one young woman and three other men trailing behind.

"Hey Summer!" The stunning blonde came and kissed Summer on the cheek as Marissa stood and watched these people who all seemed to know each other, taking turns to greet her also. "I’m sorry Lisa had to cancel, she had to go out of town last minute", Fiona said apologetically.

"Don’t worry about it, I brought in my best friend. Everyone this is Marissa", she beamed as she turned gesturing to the strawberry blonde nearby. "Marissa this is Fiona, Dean, Mike, and David", Summer introduced them while signaling to each individual and both parties swapped kind smiles and ‘hellos’.

***

While their stylist David stood on the sidelines, and Summer fidgeting behind her camera, the four stood in Alamo Square adorned in wears inspired by legendary rockers. Marissa was decked out in leg-hugging black leather cigarette pants teamed with sharp pointed stilettos. A cropped black velvet jacket and layered loose tanks graced her top half while her neck graced with necklaces and charms, her wrist in a plethora of bracelets and bangles. With her hair wild like a flame and her make-up beautifully fierce and dramatic, everyone else joined her in their own respective similar fashions, before being paired off.

The sun glistened as Summer was in her element rearranging each shot with precision. She would instruct them as her own figures, and to Marissa’s surprise it had turned out to be an enjoyable day getting to know the others and they found themselves laughing hysterically at times while Summer would try and get them to keep still and passers by would occasionally stop for a moment to watch and observe them.

"Guys you were all so great today", Summer, cheerfully as she packed up the last of her equipment and loaded it up into her car.

"It was fun. We’ll see you soon", Dean said as both he and Mike took turns giving Summer and Marissa a hug before they headed off in the direction of their cars.

"I’ll talk to you soon", Fiona picked up as she stepped forward and kissed Summer politely again on the cheek. "Marissa it was so good meeting you", she finished off kindly and waved to her in which she returned.

"Where’s David?" Marissa asked.

"Oh he had to leave in a hurry. He loved you though."

"Summer he’s gay", she responded dryly as she pulled open the passenger door and got in.

"I mean to work with. So, are you ready for dinner?"

"Absolutely, I’m starved."

***

Sitting in a quaint eatery they sat opposite each other at a booth as light music played in the background, and other customers were scattered sparingly around them. The waitress approached them setting down their orders carefully as Marissa thanked them.

"I think I might go back to Newport in a couple of weeks", Marissa suggested. "You know, check up on my mom."

Summer smiled masking her thoughts on the matter, "That’s good, she’s doing okay huh?"

"Yeah, not when I first saw her, I have to admit I was scared, but she told me it’d be okay. She’s at the Cohen’s just for the next week or so I think. Everything was fine when I left."

"That’s uh…that’s really great", Summer hesitated while she was quick to change the subject. "So, I take it that because you didn’t make any complaints today that Ryan picked you up, that it went well…" Summer began.

Taking a bite out of her dinner roll she considered this for a moment before answering, "It went…better than expected. We talked. I mean…we actually talked." She said with a small smile thinking back to the past night.

"Everything’s okay then?" Summer said a little less enthused.

Marissa’s eyes grew a little curious and gave her best friend an odd look, "Things are fine…I hope they’re better than that." She paused, "You don’t sound too pleased…"

"No, I am…"

"But?"

"I don’t know Coop…it’s nothing." Summer said as she began to sweep away what she just said by taking a bite out of her lasagna.

"You can tell me", Marissa persisted.

Summer looked back up and caught Marissa’s gaze before sighing, "He just seemed to really hurt you with what he said this time you know…"

"I know", Marissa conceded, with the inkling as to where this was going.

"I’ve known you…a long time, and don’t get me wrong I love Ryan, and I love Ryan with you, but over the years I notice including the past month or so, he just…"

"What?"

"Sometimes he gets to walk in and out of your life so easily." Summer said almost sadly.

Marissa gave a look of understanding and in her heart she appreciated the honesty and the truth in her words, "I know, I won’t even pretend that you’re not right, but after everything Ryan and I have gone through, the hardest thing is to let it go. Sometimes making it work is so much easier than to not, because you know how you feel when you’re not together, and you hope not to end up there."

Summer gave a nod and a half smile to acknowledge Marissa’s words.

"But we did talk last night, we’re not perfect, not even close, but we’re trying…"

"I know…I’m sorry for-"

"Hey, don’t. You’re honesty is what I expect from you."

And the last words hit Summer like a flash and guilt began to flood inside.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 31

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:49:06 GMT

'The Soul Recognition'

***

There’s a vacant expression on her face as she moves closer and he watches until their eyes meet; she comes to a halt mere feet away. He stands there and the ground below him feels like it’s been snatched, causing his legs to buckle. His mouth soon turned like a desert in desperate need of water, and his body slowly becoming paralyzed until she made her move.

With him being within reach she was transformed into a bewildered state of shock. The man before her wilting in an open-collared shirt, she was in no way prepared. It was like being thrown into the deep end when you couldn’t swim. She took another few steps forward and carefully dropped her bags carefully on the floor. "What are you doing here?" Marissa asked softly with no change to her look upon him.

What was he doing here? There was a long pause between them and he looked to his polished shoes trying to gather his thoughts. The voice-over announced the next set of arrivals that were soon to follow, and the chatter of loved ones and their greetings weren’t helping his ability to think. "I wanted to see you…" He said with his voice almost quivering and his eyes sullen as if he had just been beaten as he inched a further few steps closer.

Biting her lip she became so unsure of the situation. Placing her hands in the back pockets of her distressed jeans she looked down to the print on her tee and then back up at his watchful eyes. "I take it Seth and Summer aren’t coming…"

He didn’t know what he wanted her to say, but he was hoping for more than that response; not that he deserved much of anything from her right now. Bending down he reached for her belongings as her waist became so close to his sense of smell that he inhaled her baby fresh perfume. "Can I take you home?"

"Looking to either side of her before they captured each other’s gaze she answered barely above a whisper, "Okay."

Relieved although he knew the uphill journey to redemption was far from over, he indicated with his shoulder in which direction for her to follow and she obliged, walking a step behind him. With each click of her flats onto the paving she kept considering the option of a cab but she remained quiet and stayed with him for reasons beyond her.

They remained quiet and were yet to speak another word to each other. Light drops of rain started to tap against the windshield as it fell through the evening air. As Ryan turned the wipers on Marissa watched them lazily as they swiveled back and forth with its hypnotic motion. The lights on the streets were mesmerizing and the images before her had lulled her into sleep.

With one hand lazily maneuvering the steering wheel he flashed his indicator and made another turn. Every now and then he’d look over to her as her head flopped on to the passenger window with her mouth occasionally twitching, making him smile. Turning down the volume from the stereo so as not to wake her, silently, he indulged in her beauty.

"Marissa…Marissa…" he said softly. He stood by her side having opened her door, stroking her forehead until she fell back into reality. Stirring, she quickly became startled and sat up with her eyes widely opening. Her eyelids blinking in quick bursts until they got used to the lighting she looked around as she yawned and realized she was back at the dorms; Ryan waiting patiently beside her.

"Sorry, I didn’t realize I fell asleep…" She said as she slung her purse over her shoulder. Ryan smiled and he offered out his hand to help her out of the car but she mindlessly grabbed the inside door handle as she yawned once more. His hand was in mid air and he retracted it quickly feeling slightly dejected. Landing on her feet she ended up right in front of him with her hips almost touching his. Normally, he would instinctively reach for her sides in the gap where her top would barely be touching her jeans, pull her closer and engulf her lips, but he resisted against his will.

Reaching for her things he stopped her before she could get a hold of them and took it in his own grasp. "Can we talk?" He asked hopeful.

"Ryan…" She answered unsure.

"Please", he persisted.

Against her better judgment she agreed. What am I doing? She reprimanded herself as they entered the building. Fumbling around her purse for her keys they stood by her door until she swung it gently open. She walked in and set her things down on the table and didn’t bother to formally invite him in. Putting down her baggage he closed the door behind him and stood there awkwardly while she checked her messages. After overhearing a message from her roommate Kyle he couldn’t help but listen in on a message left by Ethan afterwards.

‘Hey, I didn’t know when you were getting back so just checking in and hoping everything’s okay with your mom. Talk to you soon.’

Ryan couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that even Ethan had known Marissa had left but as she listened in while walking around the room opening up the curtains and windows to let the stale air out, she didn’t seem to be phased by any reaction he might’ve had to having heard that. As the messages ran out she continued to go about her business, walking over to the fridge as she began checking the expiry dates on the cartons and clearing them out onto the counter.

"So…uh, how’s your mom?" He asked uneasy with the feeling of her not paying him any attention.

Sticking her head out slowly from the refrigerator glow she looked back at him, "She’s going to be okay…I hope…" Marissa answers before quickly going back to what she was doing.

Nodding slowly he took his stare and led it around the room as if following an invisible trail, "And uh…how’s Sandy?"

Taking a jar out filled with something no longer describable she opened it up to smell it and the look on her face turned sour, setting it down she turned to him and responded once again almost tiredly, "He’s fine, busy with work…"

Shifting uncomfortably he fidgeted with keys in his pockets, "And Kirsten?"

Crouched at one of her cupboards, her face hidden amongst the condiments she rolled her eyes without him being able to see and sighed, "She’s good, she been wanting you guys to call her…"

He exhaled another breath and ran his fingers through his hair and moved forward, now leaning up against the edge of her couch he took in the fresh air chuckling slightly, "I’ve been meaning to call her I’ve just been-"

"Busy", she said abruptly cutting him off, "I know…I told her your hands have been full…" Marissa replied with no malice intended although they both knew those words bore a lot more weight than they were intending to give away.

Nodding once more with lack of anything better to say he persisted with idle conversation, "How was the flight?"

It was unobvious to him how tired she was growing with the incessant questions when she knew there were other issues looming over them which he seemed adamant to avoid. "It was…normal…"

"How about-"

Standing up quickly and pulling down the lengths of her hair she set another expired bottle of juice down she looked at him directly in the eyes while he slowly got up from his more relaxed position before she broke out unexpectedly, "It was fine. Everyone is fine. The flight was fine. It’s all fine!"

Ryan was rendered speechless at her outburst and it’s as if someone had jumped down his throat and stole his vocal chords

"You said you wanted to talk…is this what you wanted to talk about?" She asked in almost a plea having calmed a great deal from her preceding use of tone.

"No…I don’t know…I just don’t know what to say okay", he said now raising his voice in frustration which was mostly directed at himself.

"Then what are you doing here?" She said with her eyes weary and her energy draining from her.

"I just…I hate when we’re not talking to each other" Ryan spoke delicately.

"I don’t know what you want me to say, Ryan", Marissa moved towards the dining table and pulled up a chair where she sat cross legged, her elbow propped up to rest her head against her palm.

Moving to sit on the arm rest of the sofa he studied her every move, "I missed you…I haven’t been sleeping and-" He said, afraid of what she was going to say in return.

"Ryan, you can’t just say things like this hoping it changes anything. It doesn’t."

"I wasn’t, I was just being…honest." He said at a loss.

"I want to see you and you’re not there!" She exclaims. "If you’re not working you’re tired, and if you’re not tired you’re with her. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do! I hate that I do, but I just do…" Marissa finishes tiredly as if releasing great pressure out of her system that were a result of weeks of pent up hurt and anguish. Her being wants to retreat and wants nothing more than to wave the white flag if only to stop this friction they’ve created between them.

"I thought you of all people would understand", he says frankly and his words hit her like a hard blow even after she felt like she could just give up. The second that sentence finishes he knows he’s crossed the line.

"Okay, let’s be honest then…I do understand what it’s like to need someone when you go through what I had to go through, and I understand what it’s like when you don’t have that someone." It was the first time she let down the colder exterior and all he could see was a vulnerable young woman, just needing to be heard.

"Marissa…I was out of line…" He said inaudibly, trying to ready his own self for anything else she was going to say.

A blanket of silence had fallen over the room and she stared at a spot on the floor while he focused on the lines etched across his hands. They hadn’t said anything to each other in a long series of moments. The breeze was slowly pouring in and replacing the static air with the scent of the earth after it rained.

"I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…"

She hadn’t even moved or acknowledged him in what seemed an eternity. She had forgotten all about the sudden need to rid her refrigerator and cabinets of old food and beverages, the stray strands of blonde hair she was quick to pull back behind her ear but not say a word. In the glow of the side table lamp he could make out a reddish hued lining encircling her eyes ready to free held-back tears. Then suddenly she spoke.

"We decided to take a walk…"

He looked up. Who’s ‘we’? He wondered silently not knowing what train her thoughts were riding on.

"We both had a little to drink and we headed for the beach…"

She continued to talk as he came to the realization of what she was talking about. Her words came out of her being as if it had been numbed down and steadied.

Closing her eyes briefly she looked restless as she became persistent on reliving these events. "I knew something…something wasn’t right with him…"

With every word she spoke a needle would pierce itself into his chest and as hard as it was for him to hear it, it would’ve been a hundred times harder for her, so he sat there and continued to listen.

"You hear about it, you know it happens…and lying there as he held me down…I thought…"

The images were rolling in like waves at high-tide and his imagination was running away with him as scenes would make its way into the projector of his mind.

"I thought…I would be one of those girls. I remember in high school…there was this girl in our first year at Harbor. Rumor got out that this had happened to this girl in our class. I remembered her…she was beautiful, I knew her through Holly and she hung out in similar circles. One day…she just left the school without a word. A while later I passed her on the street, I saw her in the distance…she just looked so damaged, a shadow…and…I was almost certain that if it happened to me I would be just like her…"

A ball of anger started forming on his insides as he thought back to his brother. A memory pulled up from hidden archives amongst his thoughts where he could just see a dark smile written across his face.

"He said your name…and I thought of you. It all felt as if I was living it in fast-forward but then I had the chance to run…so I ran…"

A similar blanket of silence fell over them once more as Ryan tried to process everything as quickly as his mind would allow it. His heart went out to her as she told him of what had to be the worst experience of her life, and it ached that he wasn’t better for her when she needed him to be. Trying to swallow the lump in the base of his throat they met each other’s eyes staring into the others intently; the first time since before she had spoken.

"I was jealous that you could be there for her and not me…but I knew why. He was your brother and…it just made it that much worse…for both of us. But It didn’t change that I was angry at you because you could be there for her and not me. I needed you more than you would ever think someone would need anyone. But I was always somewhat prepared to face it alone. " Marissa continued as a stray tear got the better of her and darkened a spot on her jeans.

"I don’t know how to…I don’t know how to talk about this, when I think of when he tried to-" He stopped short, "When he tried to-" He knew the words but couldn’t speak them.

"You can say it."

"No, I can’t!" He said all of sudden with his voice rising which had her taken aback.

She could see how it was honestly difficult for him so she didn’t press him further.

"I can’t…" He repeated softly. "I thought by helping Sarah it would in some…twisted way, it would make up for what I did or didn’t do. I never meant to make it worse…I just didn’t know how to deal with it back then, not that I do now, but looking back on everything…I know I’ve made some pretty bad choices that have affected both of us."

Uncrossing her legs she joined her hands and had them pegged between her thighs and knew it would be his turn to speak.

"I couldn’t deal with you that Summer. As selfish and as much of that makes me sound like a jerk it’s true. I didn’t know how to do this with you. After what he did, what he tried to do, after the shooting. I went from hating him for what he did to you, right to the polar opposite of wanting to know if he’d survive in that hospital or not, despite being so in debt to you for saving my life. By the time he left and all that time had passed, you didn’t really seem to need me for that anymore. You were stronger, stronger than I ever…you…surprised me, in a good way."

"Did you think I was going to slip and revert back to my drinking", she snapped with a little bit more bite than she intended. "Sorry…"

He continued letting her last comment roll off his back, "By the time I even thought I could even begin to deal with this with you, so much time had passed that I thought it was better to just not bring it up…"

"Yet we’re here two years later…trying to fix it…"

The moon grew bolder as the night pressed on and the darkness thicker with the patches of cloud yet to dissolve. The two of them had only changed positions twice as the clock had turned and it was now coming close to eleven. Skipping dinner, for hours they had exhausted almost all their energy into talking about Trey, a lot of what had happened that year, and Sarah. Marissa had now been lying down on the sofa staring blankly at the ceiling, slouched still in her jeans and rocker tee with her bare feet dangling over the edge. Ryan sat by her on the carpet with his knees huddled as his arms rested upon them still continuing to speak.

"After all this, I just need you to know, I really am sorry. For two years ago, for neglecting you for all these weeks, working so much and spending so much time with Sarah. Marissa I never mean to hurt you…"

All went still and he realized he had never spoken so much in his life. She’d been quiet for a while and just wished he could decipher the silence. Yawning he turned his body carefully to catch a glimpse of her, "What are you thinking…"

She sighed and let out a long breath as her stomach deflated as the oxygen escaped, "I’m thinking…I want to order a pizza." Marissa replied nonchalant, catching Ryan off guard as she suddenly got up to reach for her cell phone. Pressing the phone against her cheek she asked tranquilly, "Do you want anything?"

A little startled, "Uh…no whatever you want…"

"Hi, North Beach Pizza…Berkeley…" She waited patiently until information had connected her forward, "Yeah, hi, can I get one medium Cable Car special with extra chicken delivered…the university…yeah…yeah the Yoritada apartments…yeah that’s the one, fifth floor 5C…thanks", Marissa finished as she flipped her phone closed and set it down beside her.

Crossing her legs once again but this time on the couch, she knew she had left his question unanswered, "I’m thinking…where do we go from here? As hurt as I was, its funny, I still want you to be there for her, help her, she needs somebody even if it has to be you. And I don’t want you to leave your intern position either. I just need to learn how to handle it better…"

"And I need to learn to get my priorities in order and manage my time better…"

"You know its funny, we don’t fight a lot but when we do…it’s always…something…bigger than most other couples deal with…" She smiled, which had been the first time he’d seen her do that in almost two weeks.

He repaid her smile with his own.

Two slices of pizza had been left in the box as the oil began to seep through the cardboard as they filled up on fast food after having skipped the last meal. Placing the leftovers on a plate and sealing it with foil before putting it in the fridge she then left the room carrying the now empty box out to the garbage shoot. Upon entering her dorm she found him sitting on the armchair hunched over while examining his rough hands, walking towards him she sat adjacent to where he was and felt the ice around the large part of her heart reserved for him, had long gone; dissolving amongst their discussion somewhere along the way.

"What are you thinking?" She asked.

"I’m thinking…Thank you…" He said simply.

"Thank you?" She repeated confused. "For what?"

"Everything…anything and everything you’ve ever done that I’ve never really thanked you for. I always assume you know, but I realized that I never say it…and I guess my recent actions haven’t really been able to speak for the better of me…You know…whenever things got crazy or too much it was always easier for me to make you the cause of all that and I realized that night after you left that I had just done it again. I need you to know that deep down I never really believed that. When you came into my life I have to admit it became that much more complicated…but…ever since it’s always just been that much better. So, thank you."

You can’t know, oh no, you can’t know
How much I think about you, no
It’s making my head spin

Getting up she moved to sit on the edge of the coffee table to face him, leaning forward so close as their breaths would collide. She took his hands and entwined them with her own. Looking down upon them she studied how their hands would just fit into each others’ and he moved close enough to plant a kiss on her forehead, his lips lingering in the same place as she closed her eyes and absolved everything that had happened between them. Ryan disentangled their hands as he reached his own forward to hold her by the waist, as he traced gentle kisses from her forehead down the invisible passage to her lips, the electricity for the both of them was overwhelming. Although needing each other the collision hadn’t spoken of hunger but rather an unpretentious reconciliation from the two, both embracing its simplicity and welcoming how it would dictate their beings.

Looking at you, and you are looking at me
And we both know what we want
So close to giving in

"It’s getting late…" She whispered as she pulled away.

Suddenly the disappointment of having to go had seeped in and he slowly moved backward enough for their irises to lock. "You’re right…" Ryan answered somberly.

Marissa rose to her feet with his hands still keeping her steady at the waist, he leant his head up against her abdomen with her arms now wrapping over his shoulders and stroking his hair gently. Breaking apart and taking a step sideways she reached out her hand and offered it out for him to take it. Caught off-guard he looked to her gesture then back up at her, and carefully took her by the hand, standing up and following her as she led them to her bedroom. The apartment static with the lights now out, and the cool breeze after the rain sifting through the open windows.

And I’m flying so high,
High off the ground
When you’re around
And I can feel you're high
Touching me inside,
and it’s too much to hide

Back to earth, where did you take me to?
I know there’s no such thing
This painless love, well it’ll catch us up
And we can never win
But oh, I feel so alive
Oh, just wanna hold you
Hold you so tight

And I’m flying so high
High off the ground
When you’re around
And I can feel your high
Touching me inside
And it’s too much to hide

***

Song / Flying High by Jem

Through the Rain / Chapter 30

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:42:36 GMT

'The Off-loading'

***

Ryan got home later that night to an empty apartment. Setting down his keys he looked to his own answering machine as if to find a message from Marissa, but as the count read zero he knew it was always only going to be wishful thinking. He sighed in disappointment but he knew it was to be expected. Sitting down on the edge of the bed in his room he rested his head in his hands and wondered if he should even try calling her; wanting so much in that moment to somehow just be there for her. He knew she didn't call because of what had happened between them, but yet there was a feeling inside that was hurting in the notion that maybe she didn't need him, and her being able to go at this alone was showing how much she had matured without his noticing.

***

"I didn't mean to wake you..." Marissa said softly as she stood by the doorway of the hospital room, staring out at the fragile state of her mother. The hospital had this eerie silence and only the light footsteps of others passing could be heard as she studied the tubes and wires that would run like a web, intertwined with several parts of her body.

"It's not as bad as it looks", Julie responded weakly trying to put a smile on her pale face. The mother before her had somehow quickly become a fading replica of how she had last remembered her. As Marissa stood there she could feel tears forming as she so desperately tried to conceal them and try and be stronger about this. "Come...sit..." Julie softly instructed while Marissa eased into the room and carefully obliged, taking the seat beside her.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Marissa's words bore no haste but rather a need to understand all that was happening and how life had brought them to this point.

"I was...I wanted to...I didn't know how..." That was all Julie could say as she lay there with eyes struggling to stay open and willing herself against the medication that was forcing her to rest. "I didn't want you to worry..."

In those simple words Marissa couldn't explain how it were the ones to let her tears spill on to her cheeks. Even after all this time it just reminded her how much Julie had always in some way kept trying to do what was best for her. "Mom, I'm your daughter...I'm supposed to worry..."

Her mother's eyes had also started to well up slowly, even with them partially closed it couldn't hide the emotion she was holding inside. She had flashbacks to the fights they used to have which quickly transitioned to the here and now, and was amazed at how they had both grown. "Honey its not...its not as bad as it seems...they just did some tests earlier...it just looks that much worse right now..."

"I know...I spoke to your doctor", Marissa said as she slowly reached for her mother's hand and the eyes of the two women connected, sharing a bond the type only these two women could have. "He told me what it was but I needed to ask you this instead..."

"Ask me what?"

"If you were going to be okay...you know, get better from all of this..." Marissa looked to her mother concerned and all things were running through her mind in the long pause before Julie answered.

Julie stared back and saw the diminishing expression on her daughter's face. Could she really tell her eldest daughter who had already practically lost one parent that it was only a matter of time before she would lose another? Could she really lay there and break her daughter's heart after all she had been through and tell her, her own was literally falling apart, have her daughter carry the weight of the notion that there have been no survivors from what is breaking down her system as they speak? Julie had been capable of a lot of things, but as she stared back at her child who looked nothing more than a young, lost and weary soul, until her death she would continue to try and protect her even if in some cases she knew it were wrong of her to do so. "I'm going to be okay." Twisting her words she knew one day she would be okay but it was the lie she continued to keep that, that day would come only when she left that world, was what hurt the most. But her daughter through the tears then smiled and looked hopeful and it was enough reason for her to say what she had just said.

***

Visiting hours had closed and Marissa had left her mother to rest. She walked the lonely corridors, past the sterile halls and all she could do was let her thoughts overtake her mindset. The drive home with Kirsten had again been full of silence but more so because of the long day and no the suppressed anxiety she had earlier. Now sitting on the edge of the bed in the guest room she set aside her thoughts about her mother for a moment and thought about Ryan. She hadn't even called to say she had gone, not that she needed to given the circumstances but after seeing her mother in hospital it was almost as if she was beginning to re-evaluate life.

After what her mother had said it had eased the tension and she knew she would be okay, but being in the hospital sitting there next to her gave her the same feeling you get when you're part of something bigger than yourself and you know everything else just doesn't seem as bad. She felt that way right now about Ryan. Despite the arguments and all the heartbreaking ups and downs that's happened in the past weeks, she knew she loved him, and the reasons for her anger just didn't seem so important right now.

Marissa was snapped out of her thoughts when her cell had begun to ring on the bedside table. "Hey Sum..." She answered.

Summer sounded cautious on the other end of the line not knowing if she had found out about everything or not, but the fact that she answered made her think maybe she either hadn't found out or she was okay about it. "Coop are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine, I just came back from visiting my mom. I spoke to her..."

"And...what'd she say?" Summer replied slowly.

"She was tired but she told me she was going to be okay." Marissa said, naively.

That was when Summer realized Julie hadn't told her about them knowing, Julie had even disguised the fact that she knew what she had was incurable. She could sense the hope in her voice and as much as she wanted to tell her truth, even she still couldn't bring herself to be the one to tell her what was really happening. "That's great uh..Coop...what's wrong with your mom?"

"It's uh, called Cardio Myopsis, it causes irregular heart beats but people have survived with regular medication..."

But Summer knew it was so much more than that. Julie failed to mention the enlargening of the heart or irregular heart beats really means that its slowling down, and the medication only helps to prolong the inevitable end, but even the length of time they have has no guarantee. "Are you okay? Do you want me to come down?"

"No its fine, thanks though. But I sould be back in a few days..."

"Okay...well we were worried about you so I decided to call. If you need anything Coop..."

"I know...thanks Sum." Marissa answered weary but still grateful. "I'll talk to you soon."

The girls both hung up on their ends and Summer turns to face an enquiring Seth.

"So how is she?"

"She doesn't know..." Summer said regretfully.

"Julie didn't tell her?" Seth pressed on while Summer just shook her head slightly to answer a 'no'.

"I don't have the heart to be the one to tell her...She's my best friend and I can't do that to her..." Summer said on the verge of tears as she felt torn between what was right and wrong when either way it would ultimately hurt Marissa.

"I know, I know..." Seth said as he took Summer by the hand to draw her in towards him, he consoled her until her emotions calmed. "I know Marissa probably won't call Ryan, but i think we should, just...let him know she's okay..."

***

Ryan's feelings weren't one of Summer's priorities but as Seth left for the bedroom she knew it would be the bigger thing for her to do if she called. So dialing his number she awaited a response.

"Hello?" The hoarse male voice answered.

"Ryan its me..." Summer said.

"Hey Summer", Ryan replied as if trying to bring back a sense of normalcy about everything, and even in that she felt irritated.

"I called Marissa, even Julie couldn't tell her the truth so...she doesn't know and Marissa...overall, overall seems fine. She'll said umm...be back in a few days."

Ryan could feel a lump in his throat forming, it was slowly eating at him that he couldn't just reach out and be with her. "Thanks...Summer, for letting me know...you really are being great about all of this."

"Look Ryan...its not my place to forgive you for neglecting your friendship with Seth, or for hurting Marissa, but if it were...I wouldn't yet. I care about you but right now its only because Seth thinks I should tell you that I'm passing on what Marissa said..." Summer said softly but rather blunt and although it had caught Ryan off-guard there was no blaming her for being honest.

"But still...thanks..." Ryan had slowly put down the receiver and just stood there for some time before heading back to his room.

***

Lying in bed Marissa thought about him, and lying in his own bed Ryan wondered about her. The clouds flitted across the midnight sky as Ryan turned away from his window and looked to the other side of his bed. The empty pillow bare and he then remembers the times he would fall asleep with her by his side, or wake up to a morning with her nestled against him.

He couldn't sleep. Flipping his cell open he disregarded the time and effortlessly dialed her number.

***

Turning on her side she watched his name flash on screen, torn, she watched until it faded and the now dimmed light from her cell had again left her completely in the dark.

***

Over the next few days Julie had been released from hospital and was going to stay at the Cohen's temporarily. The mother and daughter sat by each other before Marissa had to leave to make her flight back to San Francisco. The sun through the window helped to add colour on to Julie's whitened complexion as Marissa would be leaving convinced that things wouldn't be getting worse.

"I called Kailin yesterday, she's going to come by and visit within the week." Marissa said as she took the liberty of folding some of Julie's clothes lying about.

"Did you tell her it's okay if she can't?"

"Yeah she knows, but she wanted to." Marissa, stacking a pile of shirts into a drawer.

Julie continued to watch as Marissa fussed with other things around her, "How is she getting here?"

"She said she'll come down with a friend. They'll be driving down." After taking one last look around the room she glanced back to her mother, "So, do you need anything before I go?"

"No, you've done a lot, thanks sweetie", Julie said, shifting slightly on the armchair.

"Okay, uh well, I guess I better be getting back. I've got work tomorrow so...I'll give you a call when I get home and I'll see you in a couple of weeks", Marissa leant over to give her mom a hug as Julie picked a stray strand of hair off Marissa's face and pulled it behind her ear.

"You know you never needed to take that job. We're more than fine..." Julie brought up kindly.

"I know mom, but I'm never going to learn how to do things on my own if I don't actually try and do it." She responded reassuringly with a pat on Julie's shoulder.

She looked to her daughter and it brought a smile to her face. "I really am proud of you...in case it's been a while since I said it, I am." Julie finished off as Marissa leant in for another embrace before taking a step back to grab her luggage.

"I'll see you soon...get better. Sandy's taking me to the airport and Kirsten's downstairs in the kitchen if you need her."

"Thanks..." she answered while Marissa waved back and proceeded out the door.

***

"Hey man, how goes the office?" Seth remarked while he sat on the other end at his house as Ryan looked over a plethora of plans on his desk.

"Hmm...busy. What's up?" He answered with his attention not all there.

"You, me, tomorrow night, Pirates of the Carribean", Seth said enthused.

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion while he took down notes on the project at hand, "Uh...okay?"

"You don't sound excited."

"That's probably because I'm not", Ryan remarked sarcastically as a fellow intern tapped gently on the door before walking in.

"Jennings wants your part of the proposal by the end of the day", they said in a hushed voice while Ryan nodded and gave the thumbs up before they let themselves out, Seth still rambling.

"Are you even listening to me?" He demanded.

"No, I'm sorry I can't tomorrow night, how about we just go later after I finish up here?"

"We can't later, Summer and I have to go get Marissa from the airport", Seth answered without a thought as he fumbled on the other line with a rubix cube.

Ryan's attention was pushed out of his thoughts on work and again drawn to the subject of Marissa. He hadn't attempted to call her since the other night, he was almost glad she hadn't even picked up for he lacked in anything good to say. Suddenly feeling uneasy he tapped his fingers and started making awkward formations with his mouth before jumping in to speak. "Seth, I need to ask you something..."

"What time the movie starts?"

"No, no, not that, forget about the movie for a sec...uh..." Ryan faltered trying to find the right way to put it, "Marisssa...can you...when is uh..."

It finally clicked with Seth and his tone of voice shifted as if he finally came to his senses. "Oh hey man, I love you and all but I don't really think you should-"

Ryan had cut him off, "Seth please, I just need to see her..."

"You love her I get it, but you're excitable, blood is rushing to your head-"

"There's no blood rushing."

"You're irrational, palms sweaty, you're not thinking straight-" Seth continued to speak mindlessly.

"I'm thinking fine."

"You're-"

"Seth, Seth, can I...I just want to be the one to pick her up. I need to see her." Ryan said firmly.

"You could, you know...go to her dorm, and give her some more time, like a week...maybe two..."

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair, "I know, it's just there, she has the convenience of a door to slam in my face."

"I feel for you buddy, I do, but-"

"Seth...please..." Ryan now sounding more desperate as Seth sighed.

***

"Alright kid you got everything?" Sandy asked in a kind parental manner.

"Yeah, I hope..." She smiled while they both stood at the airport before she was due to depart.

"Have a safe trip then", he said as they both leant in for a hug and he tapped her gently on the back.

"Thanks so much, for letting me stay, and my mom..."

"Hey, we wouldn't have it any other way", he answered while putting an arm over her shoulder as he guided her a further few steps before she checked in her baggage. "Now you tell Seth to give his old parents a call from time to time, Ryan too."

Another smile spread across her face, "I will...thanks again."

"Alright, take care..." With one last wave from the two she left to face her world again.

***

"You told him?" Summer asked increduously, "He's going to pick her up? Cohen, how do we know she wants to see him right now?" She said as she began chopping up vegetables in their kitchen as Seth leant up against the counter.

"How do you know she doesn't?" Seth posed with a look that tried to make her see otherwise.

"Maybe because he's been an ass." Summer retorted while dicing the cucumber with more vigour.

"I know, but he just sounded so pathetic and desperate, I felt for him and I think...that used to be me..."

Summer raised and eyebrow at the helpless looking Seth, "Cohen, sometimes that still is you."

"Point taken. I know you're still upset with him but if it had've been the other way around, I know he would've done it for me..." Seth said making his way over and wrapping his arms around her waist trying to make a plea to the less begrudging side of her nature.

"Fine...you just better hope she wants to see him."

"Will do", he said now retreating, "Now I'm going to leave you with your knife and that poor cucumber you've managed to decapitate, and you call me when dinner's ready." Seth said cautious as he kissed the top of her head before making an exit out of the room.

***

Waiting nervously amongst the other people who were keeping an eye out for the person they too awaited, his eyes kept looking to the time on the board and just hoped he didn't miss her and she decide to catch a cab. Not bothering to change from work he felt the urgency to forego the tie and jacket as he began to sweat. As time went on the top button from his shirt was now undone but still neither of the things he did with himself could make him feel any more comfortable.

Then as a rush of people started heading out he kept a close eye out trying to make out her beautiful face amongst the flood of travelers. And then there she was.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 29

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:38:33 GMT

'The Landslide'

***

He sits looking out at the San Francisco bay waters like he’s become accustomed to do in his time living there. Playing with the strands of grass Ryan relives the talks, the arguments, the laughter, the embraces; he watches it all play out in front of him and buries his head amidst his huddled knees and reprimands himself for his hand in how things between he and Marissa just so quickly turned around without him seeing it. All he’s left with in that moment is the silence, the still waters, and the image of Marissa when she walked away from him as if he were a stranger. The deduced look on her face, the hurt and disappointment, but it was more that disappointment spread across her face that stayed with him; still he’s yet to explain himself. He’s attempted to call but never goes through with letting it ring. Sitting there he pulls out his cell and looks at her adopted name in his phone book; in a few words it embodies what she’s meant to be, what she is, what he’s been failing to show her. His finger hovers over the button and its one push from hearing her voice, but again takes the cowardly approach and goes against confronting her. What would he say? How does he even begin to say he’s sorry? The look scattered on her beautiful face before she left him was enough to send him into deep regret.

The few words he spoke that night created a wide open space of distance between them. There have been times he’s seen something like that expression on her before, but it was different now, somehow it was just different. Maybe ‘different’ was the word; that things this time around were meant to be different, but it’s the realization that there will always be something that comes that will attempt to pry their hold on each other. How does it always work out that when either of them will try to do some good it always has a way of impacting their relationship; always having a way to inflict some pain on the other.

His thoughts wander and he thinks of Trey, where he may be, what he’s doing now, but more so what he did in the past. They’ve always tended to shelve things away, he and Marissa. They both know something is there but thinking they can leave it a while and fix it later. He’s avoided completely dealing with what happened to her, thinking that time will blow it away, but in reality time is merely a means to create a solution, not a solution itself. Could he bring himself to talk to her about all the physical and emotional anguish one of his own brought upon her? In helping Sarah he in some way implanted the idea in his head he could use this as a way to right some wrongs, somehow use this as a way of doing penance and feel better after not getting it right the first time. But he was wrong.

Mentally he chastises how blind he’s been. In his own quest to do good by being there for someone, allowing him to try and heal the old wounds, he did more damage to the one person he was so set on making happy. How do you begin to tell someone it was too hard for you to deal with what happened, turn around and be the person she needed you to be, but be that person for someone else? How do you then continue to say it was too hard for you? Ryan continued to watch the leaves flitter across in the breeze with all these questions never leaving his mind. How do you ask someone to understand when you couldn’t give them understanding?

“You think you of all people would understand…”

“You’d understand how important it was to have someone there for you…” Those were the words that would’ve finished that sentence, but she got what he meant and he needn’t have said any more than that, which could have torn at her insides even further. Ryan lays down letting his body become supported by the dry earth. He clutches the phone in his hand still and stares up at the blue sky that refuses to pity him. How do you even begin talking to someone when you have no words to offer them, no answers or solutions, only overdue tired apologies? She would look at him and see he failed when he said he wouldn’t hurt her. As his vision of blue becomes a blur, his heart tells him its time to let a tear fall; his mind gives the instruction to let it.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding…

And all the lights that lead the way are blinding…

He brings the phone up to get sight of it and purposefully hides his number, dialing her cell he waits patiently as the knots in his stomach become tighter as each ring brings about more apprehension. His mind goes into a split second daydream until the click on the other end can be heard.

“Hello?”

Her voice is soft and he can sense the downtrodden emotion set within it that’s trying to be masked in happiness. His heart breaks at the sound of her and suddenly it’s as if someone taken away his ability to speak and he’s rendered mute.

“Hello?”

Ryan answers with only silence and just to hear her voice sends him down a tunnel of abyss and wants nothing more than to reach out to her, but can’t…so he doesn't and hangs up helplessly.

There are many things that I…

…would like to say to you, but I don’t know how.

***

She’s been walking aimlessly around his part of town and finally finds herself standing on the sidewalk, looking up at his building and set her sights on his bedroom window. The sheer curtains blow in the wind and Marissa stands still by his apartment wondering if he was there. Was he lying on his bed…thinking about her? She wondered to no one in particular. The longer they waited in talking to each other the higher the walls got between them. As he called out her name that night it felt as if she were being called by someone she vaguely knew anymore. Any other day and any other year if he had said what he said to her, she probably would’ve let her cries run freely; but this time there were no tears, only some hurt and sadness, but more so the disappointment that he didn’t seem to know her. Staring at the helpless expression on his face she could see the remorse, but it won’t change the words he spoke. Yet even now she misses his voice, she misses their time together, but she can’t bring herself to talk to Ryan; there are just no right words in this time.

Was she wrong to be jealous that he could be there for Sarah in a way he couldn’t bring himself to be there for her? She knew there were great factors that separated both situations, so was she asking too much of him, back then and now? Marissa leant up against the street lamp and kept going back and forth and tormenting herself with all these notions. She didn’t expect him to go back and fix what had happened between her and Trey she just needed him to understand and to see what was happening now. It was the combination of his cancellations and that bond he had with Sarah that made her feel unimportant, second rate and second best. Her frustrations would only grow further the more she thought about it, because she understood yet she just couldn’t understand all that was going on. There are moments that pass she wishes they could go back to the way they were, but in wishing that, it’s only wishing you could step backward in life; if they kept wishing they were back somewhere else in life they’d never move forward, never progress, never fix the divide. Her heart aches and wishes right there and then he could be standing in front of her with arms wide open and she could reach into that feeling of comfort, let the people on the street pass by as they hold each other. But she’s here alone with the strangers that pass by, no comfort, only loneliness.

I said maybe…

you’re gonna be the one that saves me.

And after all…

you’re my wonderwall.

Her cell phone rings snapping her back into the world, the number is withheld and she answers it with uncertainty, trying to conceal the emotions that are taking over her system. “Hello?”

She waits for a response and nothing, only light breaths that are camouflaged in the light breeze that hits the receiver on the other end. “Hello?”

Again, the silence and in an instant she knew she didn’t have to ask who it was. It was him. She could feel it. Before she knows what to do the light breaths have disappeared and is replaced by a small click and cuts off replacing it with a few beeps then total silence.

Her heart breaks at the thought of that this is what they’ve become and what’s become of them and their relationship. Taking one last look over at his window she imagines just rushing over there, knocking on the door and talking to him face to face but decides against it, she didn't feel it was that simple. Slowly she turns and walks away amongst the other people like a shadow moving in and out between them with her head hung low and disappearing into the vast spaces like no one of significance.

***

Tossing her keys on the stand late that afternoon she looks at the empty dorm room and lets it reflect on her emptiness inside. Turning to the answering machine the flashing of one message is constant until she hits the button to play it. Her mind is in nowhere particular and barely gives the message her undivided attention until she hears the person on the other end speaking in a low, calm, but distressed manner.

“Hi Marissa, its Kirsten, I uh…I know this kind of unexpected but I wouldn’t be calling if it weren’t important…”

Marissa quickly turns back and moves closer to get a better listen of what she’s saying, and the vacant expression she had now carried an anxious one as she continued to try and comprehend her words.

“…. It’s about Julie…about your mom…”

***

After sitting on that mount for a lifetime, Ryan spent the next day in a similar fashion; afterwards driving around the city, wandering aimlessly, finding that he’d subconsciously driven to all places to do with Marissa. Parked outside her dorm he stares up high to see her window closed and curtains drawn, and looks from the passenger seat of the car as the swaying trees reflect upon the glass; being at her place always brought about a sense of comfort but now it was more as if he had no business being there. Starting the car up again he drove away with one last glance over his shoulder.

***

"Hey", Ryan exhales a sigh of relief upon Seth finally opening the door to his apartment, taking a detour before allowing more alone time with his thoughts at his own home.

The joy that would normally etch across Seth’s face with Ryan’s visits hadn’t been apparent. He had looked unimpressed more than anything. Ryan knew with his neglect of Marissa, he’d also neglected his friends, and couldn’t be upset with Seth for being disappointed in him. "Haven’t seen you in a while…" Seth answers plainly before turning away and leaving the door open for Ryan to welcome himself. Seth had gone back to the kitchen table where he had drawings sprawled about, picked up his pencil he casually went about his business.

Ryan awkwardly took a seat opposite him with his hands in his jean pockets and feeling so uneasy he hadn’t been sure he’d be allowed to sit. "Is uh…is that for the comic you’ve been working on?" He said with his voice faltering slightly.

"Yeah…" His brother answered without looking up from the page.

"Mind if I take a look?"

Seth didn’t bother answering but merely gave an expression of ‘if you must’, and kept sketching.

Of all the times he’s told Seth to give his talking a break he wished more than anything for those long and unending sentences right now.

***

At such a familiar place she looked entirely at a loss, though the short distance, the plane trip was long; filled with thoughts of what she may be confronted with upon getting home, as well as the mess she had just left behind. As the arriving passengers scattered to meet people who waited for them she searched through the sea of faces until she found a familiar smile to greet her and walked over immediately.

"Thanks for coming to meet me", Marissa smiled as she lugged her bags along, setting them down a moment before giving Kirsten a warm embrace.

"Oh no problem sweetie, I’m just sorry you couldn’t come back on a lighter note. I wasn’t expecting you so soon either." Kirsten answered sincerely before taking one of Marissa’s bags.

"Oh I know, after you called I just gathered my thoughts, gathered my things, called the airlines last night and took the first available flight today."

"We’re this way." She said, indicating to one of the exits.

"So how are the other three? We’ve been meaning to speak to Seth but you kids are so busy with everything." Kirsten commented with a smile. "How are you and Ryan?" She continued casually oblivious to any problems they’ve been having.

"I’m sure Seth's been meaning to call", with a hint of a chuckle as she shuts the trunk and the two women head to the front buckling their belts and pulling out of the lot. "We’re all good though. Ryan’s busy…" Marissa’s face slightly fell, but answered as honest as she could. "How’s Sandy?" She enquired before forcing herself to bring up the wellbeing of her own mother; the issue looming over their heads.

"Oh you know; a Lawyer’s job is never done. I’ve been meaning to ask you girls about New York. I spoke to the boys while you were away but were vague on, well, everything."

Marissa gave off another small laugh and the fond memories came back to her, "It was fantastic actually. When Summer wasn’t in the office we got to see a lot of the city, the village was fantastic, I really loved it. I would go back."

"Oh that’s great. It’s been a long time since I’ve been there but the city really does just have this way about it; I can see you fitting in really well."

Driving back to the Cohen house was long and quiet. Marissa spent most of it staring blankly at the road in front of her clouded and the weight upon her was challenging her strength, but she felt the worst was still only yet to come. Kirsten understood the need for the silence so she didn’t try to push for conversation. The afternoon glow rested upon their faces through the glass and the car was muted until Marissa suddenly asked softly, "Is she going to be okay?"

They turned to each other and to Kirsten, Marissa looked nothing more than a young and fearful child, carrying a life much older than her years, she inhaled deeply before answering truthfully, "I hope so…" The atmosphere in the car snapped back into quiet until they pulled up to the manor. "Visiting hours are in a little while, you can get settled and I’ll go with you…"

"Thanks…" Marissa said gratefully as she hopped out and went to get her things. It’d been about half a year since she stepped in this driveway and while the house and the people still remained the same, she looked back and realized the last time she was there, Ryan and her had just gotten together, and thought it funny how much things can change when you’re not paying attention. A door to the house slowly opened and out came Sandy to greet them.

"Hey kid…" He said as the next means of a father figure she had. Giving her a hug, being welcomed in this home made her less anxious.

"Hey Sandy…"

"Sandy, bags." Kirsten instructed.

"Twenty-two seconds before the first order. Honey, that’s a personal best." He quipped as Kirsten just responded with a raise of her eyebrow as they all headed inside.

"I didn’t know where you’d like to stay, I figured maybe the pool-house but I thought I’d let you decide as we’re not at all strapped for space since the boys aren’t here."

Marissa considered the pool-house but without Ryan’s presence and given the state of their relationship she knew she wouldn’t be able to stay there. "Actually, the guestroom is fine."

"Okay sweetie, let me just go upstairs and grab you some sheets." With that Kirsten headed off while Sandy and Marissa went into the kitchen; Marissa setting her things down momentarily as she took a seat on the stool and Sandy grabbed two cans of soda out of the fridge and slid one across the counter top to her.

"Thanks…"

"So who drove you to the airport this morning?"

"Actually, I caught a cab. I couldn’t get hold of Seth and Summer last night and I didn’t want to wake them so early. I just left a message on their machine before I left."

"What about Ryan?"

"Yeah it was just uh…way too early, he’s been busy and tired so…" Marissa, skewing the truth a little.

"How are you holding up kid?" Sandy asked a little concerned as Marissa’s weary appearance was evident to everyone around her.

"I don’t know…I’m just shocked, I guess…worried…"

"Well, you know whatever your mom has will probably be too intimidated to stay in her body. She’s a survivor."

Sandy’s comment eased the tension and triggered a smile on Marissa’s face. "I know she is…"

"Have you talked to Kaitlin?"

"No...uh...not yet. I guess I just wanted to know what my mom is up against before I alerted her. I should...and I know she'll want to come right over, but I think I still have this older sister's need to protect her or...I don't know." Marissa stared at the surface of the can and looking so unsure of life before resuming, "I didn't even know she was sick..."

"Nobody knew until recently."

"I mean...she wasn't feeling well the last time I was here but was that it? Did I just not see it?" Marissa asked rhetorically with an expression as if she were retracing her steps in life. "How did you find out?"

"I didn't actually...Kirsten found her at the office, but I think I should let her tell you instead." Sandy said sincerely as Marissa just nodded and understood. "Listen, I’ve got to finish up some things in my office, but you should head upstairs with her now and get your things unpacked. My wife has probably got herself lost in the thread count and in need of assistance."

They both exchanged a laugh as she slowly stood up and he gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder before they each headed in their opposite directions.

***

"These are really good…" Ryan said after the long pause as he slid the drawings back over in Seth’s direction.

Seth gave him a small nod. "Why are you here?"

He took a deep breath and looked to scuff on his shoe for answers, "I don’t know, I just thought I’d drop by. I haven’t exactly been here in a while."

"You don’t say…" The last thing Seth cared about was concealing the sarcasm and the bit of angst.

"Marissa and I got into an argument…" He continued, not really sure where he was going with that and what kind of answer he wanted to solicit out of his best friend.

"Wow…that’s uh…not at all surprising", still Seth’s empathy was yet to be found. "I hope she won."

Ryan just bit his lip and continued to struggle through the situation, "Actually you couldn’t really even call it an argument. Words were exchanged, but after the last thing I said she just uh, well, walked out on me, pretty much."

"You guys have broken up?"

"No, I don’t think so. I hope not anyway."

"Can you blame her if she did?" Seth asked gravely as he finally took his eyes off his own task to face Ryan.

He stopped a moment before responding, "No, I can’t."

"But she won’t, even if she thinks she should. One of the last things that girl would ever do is walk out on you." Seth said with all honesty and the look on Ryan’s face knowing so much he’d been taking her for granted. "Marissa and I haven’t always been close, but we talk, and I know she misses you; bottom line is she misses you. She gets that you work and that you have your responsibilities, and this knack for saving beautiful women, she gets it; but you know everyone has their limits."

Ryan didn’t know what to say. He knew that Seth was right, each and every word. Feeling helpless he said nothing for the next few moments while Seth continued to look on knowing that everything he had said was sinking in to him. "Come on, I think some PS2 will do you good", Seth announced, cutting Ryan some slack as he gave a quick nudge of the head towards the couch for Ryan to follow him; Ryan smiling as Seth’s hint at forgiveness.

The afternoon that became evening was spent like nothing at all. So caught up in their game play, the pair had barely noticed when Summer had come through the door, she was caught off-guard with Ryan’s presence and she eyed him as if suspicious. "Atwood", her acknowledgement of him was cold and blunt.

Ryan turned around and could feel invisible rays of death shooting from her pupils right in his direction. "Summer-"

Immediately cutting him off, "Did I say you could address me yet?" Summer, giving him attitude in true Summer fashion.

"Uh…" Ryan hadn’t been offended but rather taken aback to her dictatorship welcoming of him.

"Summer go easy on him, he’s seen the error of his ways." Seth spoke up and Summer skewed her lips as her gaze went back and forth between them both.

"Fine. Well why are you here with Cohen when you could spend this time with your neglected girlfriend…"

"We uh, got into a fight..."

"Wow…that’s uh…not at all surprising…"

"Seth said the exact same thing." Ryan smiled while Summer raised an eyebrow at him.

Seth quickly turning to her direction added, "You know people say that couples who are together so long start to act like each other."

"Well, in that case maybe I don’t want to stick around until people start peeing in my shoes." Summer remarked as she looked to Ryan who had still been standing their facing her as if waiting for some other response. She sighed, "Fine, come on", Summer reluctantly moving forward, her arms wide open signaling for a hug and childishly refusing to completely make eye contact. Ryan obliged, their embrace turned out to be somewhat awkard, but he welcomed it nonetheless.

They broke apart and he went back to the couch as she went to set her things down on the table and walked over to the answering machine to find three messages flashing. "Cohen, you were here all day didn’t you answer the phone?"

"I have a screening process."

"Why?" She said as the first message was being relayed and it turned out to be Ashley.

"Uh, because of people like that", he said jokingly.

‘…Mia called from New York, but a colleague of hers down here needs work done and she thought you’d be great for it. Anyway give me call and I’ll fill you in.’

Rolling her eyes at Seth she continued to play the next message.

'Hi Summer its Fi', just calling to let you know I'm free next week for the shoot, you can contact me on my cell if you still need me. So, I'll talk to you soon...'

"Oh fantastic", Summer beamed. Moving on to the next call she stood there upon hearing the sound of Marissa's voice. "You're screening Coop too?"

"No I must've just been in the bathroom." Seth replied.

Ryan turned around and couldn't help the need to listen in on her message. He knew it was a long shot but he had hoped somewhat that the call could possibly be about him.

'...Kirsten called, it was about my mom. Apparently she's not well so I'm leaving to get a flight out to Newport to see how she is. I'll keep you posted. If you need me you have my number or reach me at the Cohen's.'

As the beep indicated the end of her message the room went still and quiet, all their mouths had dropped slightly as they exchanged looks knowing exactly what the other had been thinking. "She's going to know..." Ryan spoke up suddenly.

"And she's going to know we knew all along..." Summer took over for him and paused briefly, "Julie must've gotten worse...I mean...if your mom found out...do we tell her? Do we wait?"

"I don't know."

"I guess in retrospect maybe it wasn't the best idea."

***

Song / Wonderwall by Oasis

Through the Rain / Chapter 28

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:24:25 GMT

'The Crossing'

***

They talked. They talked until she voiced her thoughts on his absence, until he apologized profusely for not being around. They talked until she felt he understood what was

happening, and he spoke until he made it clear that what was happening was out of his control. They talked all night, had dinner, caught up on each others lives, enjoyed each

others company, kept themselves in conversation until there wasn’t much else to discuss and they fell asleep of on her couch. They spoke until they both thought there was a

mutual understanding, and a silent agreement that things would slowly repair themselves. How do you convince yourself something that slowly damages them could heal on its

own?

Walking into the small reception lounge she navigates her way through the men in suits that brush past her. There’s a lady at the desk that talks into her headset until she asks the

caller to hold for a moment before she begins, “May I help you?”

“Yes, uh, I was wondering if Ryan Atwood would be available.”

“One moment and I’ll be right with you”, she smiles politely before forwarding another call to make another and enquire about his whereabouts. “Mr. Jennings there’s a…” She stops

to look at Marissa to indicate for a name.

“Oh, Marissa Cooper.”

“There’s a Ms. Cooper here for Mr. Atwood, is he available”, she pauses a moment. “Thank you. I’m sorry dear but he’s stepped out for lunch…”

“Oh…” She answered a little surprised, “Would you happen to know how long ago?” But right after she asked, her questioned needn’t have been answered as she turns around and

catches a glimpse of Ryan walking back in through the revolving doors.

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you”, he smiles as he’s on the approach and she smiles back warmly.

“Yeah I know I wanted to surprise you, see if you wanted to go for lunch…but I guess you already have.”

He kisses her on the cheek lightly, “Yeah I know, I didn’t plan on going out for lunch but Sarah dropped by here, her counselor is just around the way, she wanted to talk and so we

had lunch.” Ryan says innocently, oblivious to how these simple things continue to affect his girlfriend. “I’m sorry, if I had known you were coming…”

“No, no, don’t apologize, it’s fine…” She says with little emotion and barely looking him in the eye.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah…I’m okay, I better get going anyway”, she said quickly.

“Okay, so I’ll see you later…”

When he said ‘later’ she never really knew what that meant these days. “Okay, later. I’ll see you.” Marissa finishes before give him a quick rub of his arm and walking away.

His eyes follow her until she’s completely out of sight and out of the building, watching the disappointment having slowly crept on her face and feeling slightly guilty that things had

happened as they did.

***

She sits at a nearby eatery outside under the sunshades of the intimate café, slowly eating a toasted sandwich by herself as she watched the people of the city walk past. The food

tastes bland or is it just how she feels that causes her to be so uninterested in what she’s doing. Even with their talk she never spoke of how much the issue of Sarah is starting to

affect her.

Marissa finds herself struggling with her emotions a lot these days. She holds in her frustration because ultimately there isn’t much she can do. She feels for Sarah, she really does,

considering she had gone through something not entirely far off. She understands that the presence of someone there to listen, to help and support you through such a time is

important, but her insides churn and keep wondering why that someone is Ryan. There are times she contains her inner fits of jealousy that wishes she could ask ‘Why now? Why

this time?’ But Marissa expects nothing less of him. The more and more her name arises the more times she’s left to wonder all these things.

“Hey stranger…” A familiar voice snaps her out of her fixated thinking and causes her to turn and find its source.

A wide genuine smile comes over her and she stands and he brings her into a huge embrace. “Ethan! I haven’t seen you in a while…”

“I know it has been some time, I’ve missed you…”

“Same here, take a seat…” She says invitingly while he pulls up a chair to join her.

“So how are you?”

“I’m…good…” She says a little unconvincingly.

“Really, because by the looks of it you I seem to have disrupted you out of some deep thought…”

“Was I that obvious?”

“Yeah a little…”

She looks at him and smiles again, “…just life…but anyway, what have you been doing…”

“Actually, I was just out for a walk, you know…grab the paper on the way. This morning I was just doing some maintenance on this property I tend to. This elderly guy, the wealthy

type, and when his wife passed away he wanted this garden I guess in memory of her, but to cut a long story short I actually created it, if you will, and I still go there on occasion to

do some work just to help him.”

“Wow that’s really great…I’d love to be able to see what you’ve done…” She says genuinely as she wipes the side of her mouth with her napkin and finishes up.

“Well if you want I can take you…”

“Really?”

“Yeah, absolutely, I’d love to see it.”

“Okay”, she lights up, “When?”

“Well if you want we can go now after you finish”, he answers.

“I’m done here, let me just…” She begins to fumble through her bag for her wallet and stands up slowly leaving a tip and he gets up just the same. “Oh, let’s take my car, but I don’t

know it so you drive…” Marissa, taking out her keys and throwing it over to him as they walk together a short distance until they reach her car.

They both climb into the front and strap the seat belts around themselves as he takes the car into drive, “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, show me what you’ve got…” She laughs, “It better not be full of overgrown weeds. I won’t be impressed…”

He laughs at her comment and they’re off.

***

They pass the Golden Gate Bridge and she stares out the window giggling slightly to herself with the memory triggered in her mind, “Do you remember when I first met you…”

“Yes, no need to re-live that.”

“Aw, come on, you thinking I was suicidal, that was really sweet…” She teased.

“If you keep teasing me I’m turning this car around…” He jokes.

“Alright, alright…” She smiles.

They drive a little distance out of the city and as the images pass her window the textures change and she finds herself lost as if she were no longer in San Francisco; discovering

another part of this entire region she never knew existed. The tall inviting trees that tip inward to shade the roads, the small petals that fall off the small flowers and shower the

winding pathways. The beauty that encompasses her changes her mood and in taking a deep breath she savors the scent that transpires through the air. Coming up to a forever

spanning lot, he drives up the dirt driveway that can pass off as a street all in itself with all its length and he finally comes to a halt. They stop by the side of an old house and she

admires its figure. The history speaks out of its walls and it’s the kind of house you find in neat, small, old-worldly town but never see for yourself. It feels like Summer when she’s

out here and she embraces it.

“Well, here we are”, Ethan says as they both get out of the car and he tosses the key back over to her across over the hood of the car.

“It’s beautiful…Are you sure we can be here?”

“Yeah its fine, follow me…” he indicates for her to follow him through the perfect white picket fence that trails along to the side of the house.

She walks along the cobblestone pieces laid out flat amongst the grass and admires everything along the way, taking in the intricacy of the building and the vines that grow neatly

across its edge. Her eyes grow wide as they stop at the entrance of the yard itself and she’s speechless and in so much awe.

He looks over at her stunned expression, “No weeds right?” He laughs.

Each flower helps paint the picturesque scenery you would think to find in an impressionists painting. The neatly trimmed hedges swirl in the most inconceivable of patterns. The

wind brushes up against the leaves and the stems move as if it were dancing to soft music. Marissa finds herself walking through it mindlessly just trying to take it all in. The stone

fountains and the small gazebo, the swing that’s clinging on to the large shading tree. “It’s amazing…” was all she could say as her eyes couldn’t get enough of the sight before her.

Occasionally a bird would leave the nest in the tree and would trigger the blossoms to fall, the small white petals hitting the ground like snow as if it had all the time in the world to

get there. “I can’t believe you did all of this…”

“Surprised, huh?”

“Oh my god…” She said as she took a seat on the carved wooden bench right in the middle of it all, taking everything in as if it were a dream and he sits right next to her. “I could sit

here all afternoon, it’s beautiful.”

“Well, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“I mean, back in Newport they make it a point to keep their garden’s and homes so neat and tailored, but this is different. The ones back home seem so cosmetic, this just

feels…real…like there really is life in all of it. You’re really great at what you do…”

“Thank you…” He says leaning back and he himself taking the image in despite that he’s seen it all before, but as she speaks of it, it makes him feel more and more like he’s really

accomplished something out of this.

“I mean it…its…I’m speechless…”

“So…I shared this with you, care to share what’s been on your mind?”

She chuckles, “Was getting me out here an exchange for my thoughts…”

“Absolutely…” He smiles.

Taking another breath she pauses for some time before speaking again, “Its Ryan…It’s stupid…”

“If something’s bothering you it can’t be that stupid.”

She sighs, “He’s just been so busy lately, he’s interning all Summer at this architecture firm, so he’s got that and…he’s busy amongst other things…”

“So you’ve been missing him I guess…”

“Yeah, it’s not just the work thing…there’s something else.”

“I don’t mean to pry and I just want you to know you can talk to me…”

“No I know, and believe me, I trust you. You’re on of the few people I do feel comfortable talking to. It’s just…there’s so much history that’s causing me to feel the way I am…”

“Well, we have time and this whole place at our disposal if you want…”

“Where do I start?”

Marissa starts her story, she tells him most of everything that happened in the last two years of high school without re-living so much all the details. Occasionally she’ll find herself

on the verge of tears and he offers her a friendly hug. Once the tears are wiped away she continues to speak, she vents out her frustrations on what’s happening at present, and

she must admit to herself it feels better telling someone despite that there is one person in particular she should be telling. Through all her telling they switch positions numerous

times, they sit on the bench, lay on the grass looking up into the cloudless sky, they go back and forth on the swing before sitting back down on the earth as she finally concludes,

“Is it wrong that I feel this way?”

“No…not at all…Marissa, you need to tell him…”

“…I can’t help but feel jealous and angry, that he helps her in a way he never did with me, even though I’m past that now, I never really realized this was something I wasn’t over…”

“Marissa you can’t expect something to be over when it was never dealt with. You know when you’re a kid and there are those moments when you’re asked to clean your room, your

parents will walk up unannounced and you hear their footsteps so you quickly hide anything and everything in the drawers, under the bed, anywhere you can think of. Then they

come in none the wiser. The mess is out of sight, but it doesn’t mean it’s magically just disappeared…its still there, waiting for you to clean it up…Tell him…clean it up. I mean

you’ve talked about how him working is bothering you but you never mentioned this, and I think this is what’s getting to you more…”

***

Upon her talk with Ethan, she takes the advice and is prepared to divulge another thing that’s been weighing her down, yet she finds herself in this position and feeling the twist in

the pit of her stomach. Sitting there in the company of the two of them makes her feel invisible.

“Yeah, I had a group session thing today and she thinks I’m making progress…” Sarah says pleased as she walks about the kitchen, directing her news more so to Ryan really.

“That’s great”, he smiles encouragingly. “You really do seem like you’re feeling better these days, I’m proud of you…”

“Thanks, I really couldn’t have done it without you”, she smiles back while Marissa continues to watch television in their apartment as if none of this is bothering her.

“Well I really can’t take the credit for that, but thanks anyway”, Ryan answers taking a seat by Marissa and offering her a slice of pizza which she ends up turning down.

“No, I’m serious”, Sarah continues, “If you hadn’t of helped me I never would have gone and I owe that to you…” She says sweetly. “You’ve been great. Isn’t he great Marissa?”

Marissa just looks over to her and wipes on a temporary smile as if she were really meant to answer that, “Yeah…he’s something alright.” The more she’s forced to sit here and

listen to their conversation the more she wishes she could crawl into the corner. Running her fingers through her hair she decides she’ll let it go and try to talk to him some other

time, “You know what, I’m pretty tired, I think I’m going to go.”

He looks at her surprised, “Are you sure? You can stay over. Do you want to just go and crash in my room and drive home tomorrow morning instead?” Ryan asks as he pulls her

into a hug and plants a kiss at the top of her head.

His slight affection goes unrewarded as she doesn’t reciprocate but rather pulling away and begins to grab her things. “No, I think I want to just go home. I have work in the morning

so…”

“Alright, if you’re sure”, he notices as he looks at her only now beginning to notice the distance that seems to be anchored between them. “Let me just grab my keys and I’ll walk you

out to the car.”

She gets up not answering him, “I’ll see you later Sarah”, she says politely before moving on and out the door without him.

“Marissa sits in the stairwell and waits for him. Fidgeting with her fingers and making out shapes from the swirling patterns on the floor. The silence is overbearing because it

means more room is left for her feelings to surface. She waits there quietly until he comes out.

“Hey…” Ryan says softly while shutting the door and takes a seat next to her on the steps. “…Talk to me…”

The sadness is clear and she no longer tries to hide it from him, so she leaves the expression on her face honest and unmasked. “It’s hard…”

She sits positioned between his legs on the stairs and he begins to rub her shoulders, “It’s me, you know you can tell me.”

There’s a long break and the hallway only echoes nothingness until she begins to speak in a monotonous and subdued tone, “You’ve been great…with Sarah and everything…” It

was hard to say if it was a compliment or a mere statement.

“Okay…” he answers a little confused.

“I think it’s great you can be there for her, I know she’s not really close to anyone so…I don’t know, I just…I mean…you know she seems to go to you for everything. Don’t you think

she shouldn’t be putting this all on you…” Marissa says uneasily as she refuses to look back at him as she speaks but rather let her eyes follow the path of a small moth that moves

about guided by the light.

“Its fine, I mean you said yourself she doesn’t really have anyone. I really don’t mind. We’re friends…I mean, if I can help her get through this…” With every word he spoke it felt like

another pin that pierced against her.

If she would let it, the tears would have fallen by now, but she couldn’t, she couldn’t face him and she couldn’t move. “I just thought you know…might be hard on you. I mean it’s not

like something you deal with everyday.”

“Its fine”, he says simply.

She hardly believes what’s transcending through his sentences and she speaks under her breath as if to get some release, “It just wasn’t find when it was with me huh…” Marissa

speaks unaware Ryan could hear those last words she spoke that she tried to conceal.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ryan said caught a little off-guard and taking it in the slightest offence.

She stands up releasing herself from his clutches and turns around to finally stare him directly in his eyes. “Ryan you’re just not getting it…you don’t see it do you?” Marissa says as

if begging for him to understand. “You’re working and when you’re not working you’re busy helping Sarah, and…I don’t know…” In feeling so contained she places her hands over

her eyes as if not seeing it will make it go away.

“Marissa what do you want me to do? Do you want me to quit and stop my interning? Do you want me to say to her I can’t help her anymore? I thought we talked about this…I just

don’t see where this is coming from.”

“You can talk to her about…this…and I don’t know. I don’t know anymore okay”, her tone of voice noticeably rising and it reverberates off the blank walls.

“You keep saying you understand and that you’re okay with it…and if you’re not. I’m just not getting it Marissa.” His voice too starts to go up a notch out of his own agitation that

starts to form.

If it were something you could hear, it would be the waves crashing as the tide continues to break on the shore. If it were something you could see, it would be the weather and it

would be a dark night with the clouds hovering low overhead and threatening to fall and dampen the earth. “I want to see you and you’re not there!” She exclaims. “If you’re not

working you’re tired, and if you’re not tired you’re with her. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do! I hate that I do, but I just do…” Marissa finishes tiredly as if releasing great

pressure out of her system that were a result of weeks of pent up hurt and anguish. Her being wants to retreat and wants nothing more than to wave the white flag if only to stop this

friction they’ve created between them.

“You know, I thought you of all people would understand”, he says frankly and his words are sharp which hit her like a hard blow even after she felt like she could just give up. The

second that sentence finishes he knows he’s crossed the line. The look in her eyes when she stares up at him suddenly with disbelief only shows hurt and if he could go back in

time a few seconds to replace it with something else he would. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean-“ But before he can finish she’s already backed away and begun staring down at the

ground that now felt unsteady. “Marissa wait!” He says as he gets up, but she says nothing, just leaves one last look that leaves a lasting imprint in his memory before she shakes

her head walks away. He wants to follow her but yet he can’t bring himself to move, so he just watches her leave knowing there’s nothing he can say right now to make it better, and

nothing can be said that could make her feel worse.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 27

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 02:07:17 GMT

'The Trying Game'

***

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday comes and you think you’re in Wednesday. Friday, Sunday, the weekend comes and when it starts to feel like Saturday its vanished. Monday comes again, Tuesday arrives feeling like another Monday, you meet Wednesday and forget it existed come Sunday. In the commitments, the priorities, you wake up to find it’s all caught up with you. A day feels like another, and another like it were before. Life is always ready, life never waits, it just is, and it will just come. Can we tame it? Or do we struggle? Things happen in life, for a reason. Their affects can be resolved in minutes, or its aftermath can last long term. We never know what these repercussions will be until we set its catalyst in motion.

Marissa stood there waiting on the front steps of the theatre, alone in the dark night in hardly what you can call a typical summer evening. Smiling faces pasted on people as they pass her by, happy to just be out on a Friday night. Lonely, she bites her lip and stares down at her shoes, pulling at her sleeve to check the time on her watch and does nothing else but stand there. With the two tickets in her hand she gazes at them and sighs.

***

He comes back from his day interning at a small architecture firm in the city. Rushing to get ready he comes out of his room putting on his watch, catching a glimpse of the time. Hastily trying to find where he set down his keys, he notices how late he really is. From the corner of his eye he sees her, rocking back and forth on the sofa watching the news.

“Sarah?” Ryan says carefully.

“There was…there was a woman…” She says barely audible and his eyes flicker between her and the screen before Sarah continues to speak in broken, choppy sentences. “They think she was…and now…now she’s gone…”

He correlates her behavior to that of what she’s saying and watching before proceeding with caution. “Sarah?” Ryan walks over and sits by her. “Sarah…” She makes no eye contact. “Sarah listen to me…you’re here and you’re safe…okay?”

Now she turns to face him but stares back at him blankly, “I bet that’s what she thought too…”

“Sarah you’ve got to trust you’re okay and you’re safe here…”

“Ryan I’m scared. I didn’t used to be, but now…” she says outwardly with pleading eyes and she suddenly wraps her arms around his neck before retreating into herself crying loud sobs. “I didn’t use to be scared like this…everything’s different…I don’t know how to fix it.”

The problem was that neither did he, and he doesn’t know what to say or do to help her.

Through her cries she begs him not to leave and repeats these pleas in repetition between her falling tears.

Ryan sits there helpless and looks at the time, he looks at her anguish and concedes; he decides to stay. Getting up, he steps into the hall to call Marissa.

“Marissa…” He says with great regret.

“Ryan where are you?” She answers a little frustrated.

He’s reluctant to answer her, he’s torn as he sees his roommate melting down in the corner but he speaks, “I’m at the apartment still…”

“Ryan it’s starting like…now. What’s going on?”

“Marissa…I’m not going to be able to make it…”

“What do you mean? Is everything okay?” Marissa wonders as she looks around at her own surroundings apprehensively.

“It’s Sarah. She’s not doing well, she’s scared and…she saw something on the news that’s got her freaked and she’s just…breaking down as we speak. She doesn’t want to be left alone…”

“What about calling one of her friends…”

“I don’t know she really has any close friends…”

“Do you want me to come over?”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that. You’ve been looking forward to this all week and we’ve gotten the tickets. I don’t want you to miss out…”

“Its fine, I can come over…”

“You should still go, tell me what happens…”

She’s defeated and out of surprise to his response she can find nothing else to say and manages only and ‘Are you sure?’ before he repeats his answer.

Guilt overrides him as he translates the somber mood in her tone, “How about tomorrow we go out, grab something to eat and take it to the Golden Gate, like a picnic...sort of…” Ryan says hopeful.

Marissa smiles sullenly to no one but herself and can do not much more but agree, “Okay…I’ll just uh…see you tomorrow…I hope Sarah’s okay…” she finishes before hanging up.

Turning on her heels she exhales before ripping up the one ticket she knew she wouldn’t be putting to use or refund, and headed singularly through the large double doors as her being is lost in the midst of the moving city.

***

Marissa sits in the theatre watching the love story unfold before her. Their anguish, their tears, their joys, she shares them. Then, looking at the empty seat beside her she realizes she’s sharing them with no one.

***

Lying in her bed trying to differentiate the two realms, she feels a soft sensation, constant on her neck; there’s a shift in weight on her bed and it leads her to stir and pull from her dream. Marissa, with eyes closed, begins to recognize the familiar scent.

“Marissa…” Ryan whispers sweetly while he nuzzles her collarbone and leaves a trail of kisses back to her lips.

“Ryan…” She runs her fingers through his soft hair before opening her eyes to see the familiar figure lying on top of her. Stirring, “How did you get in here?”

“You gave me Kyle’s key while she’s away, remember…” He says before kissing the fabric of her tank top until he reaches her stomach.

“I thought you were going to use it for emergencies…” She replies as she welcomes the comfort from the presence of his body close to hers.

Lifting her top slightly and kissing her smooth, bare skin, he answers her, “Apologizing to my beautiful girlfriend after canceling our date at the last minute, is definitely an emergency…”

She smiles at his audacity and inescapable charm, “Way to try and redeem yourself, Atwood.”

Ryan stares back into her eyes, “I really am sorry. I’m just trying to help her and…”

“I know…being the good guy is something I love about you…”

“How about today, are we still on?”

“That depends, are you sure there’s no other troubled girls in need of your rescuing skills that you have to tend to today?” Marissa remarks sarcastically with a soft chuckle.

“No… the only person who gets my attention today is you…”

“Good answer.” They both go quiet for a few seconds before she speaks again. “I know Sarah and I aren’t close or anything…but I thought…I don’t know…maybe…maybe I could talk to her…”

He looks at her a little surprised, “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean…it might be kind of hard on you being the only one she can talk to…so I thought, you know…I could help…”

***

Marissa sits in Ryan’s apartment lounge room waiting for him to come home that following Wednesday after she knocked off work at the café. Awkwardly she waits while Sarah sits there flipping channels indecisively, they barely speak a word to each other until Marissa breaks the silence.

“So uh…how’ve you been?”

Sarah glances back at her before returning her gaze to the television set, “Fine…” she says simply.

Marissa struggles to get her attention and realizes she wants to talk, but Sarah would rather continue on with the scheduled programming. “I just want you to know…if you want to talk…”

Sarah crinkles her forehead and looks back at her coming to a realization, “I didn’t know Ryan told you…”

Marissa’s words get stuck in her throat as she didn’t realize Sarah didn’t know all this time that she had known. “Yeah uh…we don’t really keep secrets. But for what it’s worth, I won’t say anything about it to anyone…”

“Sure okay…” Sarah says almost detached and uninterested.

"Have you talked to anyone about it?"

"Not really...Ryan's really the only one I've said anything to that's related..."

“I thought maybe…it might help you if you talked about it, you know, instead of keeping it in…” Marissa says sincerely.

Sarah turns to her once again raising an eyebrow at her, “Uh…Marissa…no offense but I’m not sure its something you can really talk to me about…”

“I know what you’re going through…” Marissa remains persistent.

“I know you’re trying to be nice and everything…but I doubt you do…” Sarah says trying to be nice but is clearly unmoved by Marissa’s gesture.

“I do.” Marissa says firmly but patiently. “I know what you’re trying to deal with, and it’s bigger than you it really is, and if you don’t talk about it, or know how to get hold of the situation…it’s going to eat away at you before you even realize it’s already started.” The look in Marissa’s eye refuses to waiver and it’s the first real time that Sarah rethinks her position on what Marissa may know. “So, I mean, if you ever want to talk about it, you can talk to me…”

Sarah takes a deep breath, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, because I believe you when you say you do know…but I don’t really know you enough to feel comfortable about…talking about this with you…” Sarah says earnestly not knowing any other way to say it.

Marissa’s slightly taken aback but she’s tried and just nods slowly, respecting her decision.

“But I mean…maybe…” Sarah finishes but Marissa obviously wouldn’t bet money on it.

Marissa’s cell begins to ring which luckily breaks some of the awkward tension. “Hello?” She answers.

“Hey, I know I said we’d hang out tonight but I’ve just got some things to finish up here and won’t get back for a while longer, I’m sorry…” Ryan says, again apologetically which seems to be a tone she hears quite a bit these days.

“Uh…look that’s okay”, Marissa answers knowing there’s nothing she can do so there’s no point in dragging this out. “I’ll just talk to you tomorrow…don’t work too hard…” she says tiredly and manages a small smile which he can sense despite not seeing it.

“Yeah, I’m sorry Marissa. I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.”

“Love you too…” She answers before flipping her cell to a close.

“Ryan…” Sarah says after overhearing.

“Yeah…” Marissa looks around before grabbing her things and the leaving behind the couple of DVD’s she’s rented. “Well…I better get going…but hey…I meant what I said, so the offer is still there…” She says as she heads for the door and offers her a hint of a smile before leaving, disappointed that Ryan wasn’t able to show up again. Little did Marissa know that Ryan and his increasing number of cancellations were only to get higher.

***

‘Hey its me...I’m sorry, I’ve just gotten in and have had to grab dinner on the way instead. I’ll make it up to you I promise.’

Leaving a tip on the table she stepped out of the restaurant in the pouring rain flipping her hood on her jacket over her head, folding her arms against herself and rushing every few paces to make it to her car; driving home alone on another night originally planned for two.

***

The lanes were lit up in neon lighting as constant rumbles could be heard as people drive their large weighted ball along the gleaming aisles. The sounds of strikes and near misses can be heard as Marissa, Summer, and Seth, are on the approach to find their designated spaces.

“Bowling? I mean really Coop. I’m like, touching a shoe that’s been worn by a hundred different people.” Summer complains as they take an aisle each at the bowling alley.

“Come on Sum it’s not that bad…” Marissa encourages.

“You’re only saying that because this was your idea Coop.”

“Hey it’s good to get out every once in a while…”

“My fingers hurt...” Seth interupts with a sour look embellished on his face.

“Cohen you haven’t even started yet…”

Marissa sets up the game as their scores appear on the screens overhead. She finds herself trying to find solace in the presence of her friends as the vacancy usually filled by Ryan remains left open in his ever growing absence. She smiles on the outside when internally without him by her side brings her emotional discomfort as the days pass that she doesn’t see him. Looking over at her two best friends that laugh and embrace each other at will she smiles at their nature but has the slightest bit of jealousy that she misses these moments more and more as each day the sun rolls around and he’s not there.

Her friends aren’t oblivious to the increasing presence of Marissa in their midst minus Ryan. They enjoy her company but it’s not hard to see that through their united laughter there’s also loneliness, but there’s an unspoken agreement that they don’t mention any of it unless she were wanting to.

“I think I’m getting pretty good at this”, Summer says, complimenting herself and looking quite proud of her efforts.

“Summer you haven’t even bowled yet”, Seth comments.

The two girls both step up to their lanes with their fingers in the assigned holes helping them clutch the ball, Marissa lunges and gives a huge thrust of her arms and she manages to send the bowling ball sailing into Seth’s lane while Summer attempts a drop and roll technique; her ball rolling off centre at a snail’s pace before it finds itself in the gutter.

Seth teases, “How about we proclaim me the winner and call it a night huh…”

“I don’t see you doing any better.”

“Well Marissa, after your ball makes it to the end of my lane, I can show you the master of bowling that is Seth.”

Taking his turn to step up onto the polished floor he readies himself in a professional manner with his stance, holding the ball close and closing his eyes as if in prayer. Steady he moves forward and outstretches his arm swiftly moving through the air in a fast action, but quickly losing his balance as the ball remains attached to his fingers and yet to drop out of his grasp.

“I think you’re meant to let go of the ball afterwards…” Says Summer with a furrowed expression pasted on her face.

“Thank you Summer for that…I think it’s stuck…” He says sardonically and a little worried as he tries to pry the ball away from his fingers.

“What?”

He attempts to free his hand from its clutches but with no luck as he face shows the strain from trying, “Yeah, no, it’s definitely stuck.”

The girls rush over and try to contain their laughter and Summer tries to take the reigns, “Okay I’ll pull and you go the opposite direction…”

“Wow, that’s a plan…”

“Either that or we cut off your fingers”, Summer narrows her eyes at him.

“No pulling sounds good.”

***

“Okay we’re never bowling, ever…” Seth speaks as he massages his swollen fingers that are now free of the offending ball minutes later.

“Agreed”, the girls say in unison as the trio walk out of there with only Summer and Marissa having finished their games and Seth packing it up due to his apparent injury.

***

‘I’m sorry, Sarah’s asked me to go visit this counselor she’s been booked in to see. I would ask if you’d want to come but I didn't know...well..., so I’ll meet you after you finish work, okay. I love you…’

After waiting a half hour past the ending time of her shift, she got up, grabbed her belongings and left. Standing in line to order at the take out restaurant around the way she stood somberly until it was her turn, carrying out the singular bag twenty minutes later only to have her sit in the dark glow that dithered through the television at her dorm room.

***

“Hey…is…Summer here?” Marissa says a little unsure as she waits by the door of Seth and Summer’s place.

“No, she’s not back yet…come in…” Seth invitingly, and she steps in appreciatively.

“Thanks”, She takes off her jacket and looks over at the television, “What are you doing?”

“A little playstation”, he answers, taking his position back in the lounge room and she takes a seat right by him.

“The ninja game?”

“Marissa, there’s more to it than that…” He rolls his eyes at her.

“Isn’t this the game you and Ryan are always playing?” She asks innocently, but at the sound of his name it’s again his lack of attendance that’s in part the reason she finds herself over at her friends’ apartment as a recurring ritual.

“Well…yeah but...”, Seth offers a small smile as they look to each other and understand no other explanation is needed.

“So…where’s Summer?” Marissa asks, picking up a magazine off the coffee table to have something to do with herself, but barely pays attention to the pages she turns.

“She had some stuff to work on with artsy polo player”, he remarks while picking up a bowl of chips and offers some over to her.

“He’s not that bad you know”, she chuckles slightly.

“No you’re right he’s…worse…”

“You know…he may be attractive, but she’s not attracted to him. She told me, in New York...really, she told me”, Marissa answers reassuringly.

“I’m not worried about her, it’s him I can’t trust. He’s like Zach, just better looking; waiting for the most opportune time to strike when she’s vulnerable.”

“You’re paranoid…” She laughs.

“As long as she doesn’t return any advances he may make, which by the way she wouldn’t, there’s no problem.” They grow silent for a few moments before she continues, “She loves you.”

Seth looks over to her a second after, “Ryan loves you too you know…”

The thought of him causes her to sigh but she didn’t need Seth to say the words for her to know it, it’s because she knows it’s so true that it makes it hard for her to be annoyed at the situation that’s starting to form right before her, “I know he does…”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“’It’ being?” Marissa asks rhetorically.

“Why you’re sitting here talking to me on another Friday night instead of him…” He looks at her knowingly, “I am quite the tall, dark and handsome type, but I think Ryan’s more your speed…” He jokes.

She gives up a big smile, “I haven’t…I should, but I haven’t…”

“Then maybe you call or something…just a thought...”

“It’s frustrating, but it’s even more frustrating that I can’t blame him for not being around, he’s got commitments and I understand them…I don’t know what to say…”

“Well, the only way you’re ever going to be heard is if you say something, so maybe its in both your best interests to find something to say…”

The pair talk for the rest of the night as Seth teaches her the wonders of electronic gaming. They laugh and enjoy each other’s company while their partners are missing in action. They may not have always spoken but Marissa finds comfort and more at ease that he’s offering his friendship so readily. There’s something different about her relationship that differs to that of hers and Summer’s, its not better its just different, and in that night of starting out feeling so alone, she finds a friend. They both do.

***

“Hey it’s me…the good news, they’ve actually entrusted me to help on this project they have coming up for the city, and the bad is…I’ve got to reschedule lunch. I know isn’t winning me any points with you, but I will make it up to you…”

Pulling the picnic blanket from the soft green earth, she began to fold it and pack it away. Neatly she stacked the disposable utensils back into the basket and made her way to the range rover, looking back once to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. The look on Marissa’s face was hardly ever surprised these days by Ryan’s messages that became somewhat of a routine; as the days passed it would’ve been more of a shock if he weren’t canceling on her. Slamming the trunk she slung her handbag over her shoulder before driving away from the park leaving no memories behind.

***

The time moves along and the days tumble and she moves with it directionless, just living out each day not expecting any more from the last or wanting more in the next. She continues to work and her mindset is fixated on her routine.

He walks in and sees her from a distance wiping down a booth in the far corner. The cancellations begin to catch up with him as Ryan absorbs her beauty in her simple, unknowing form. Standing there she stops and takes off her apron and folds it neatly before doing the last rounds and readying her things, then give a small wave to her co-workers before she leaves.

Marissa sees him from the corner of her eye but refuses to look at him purposefully. The feeling of missing him but simultaneously harboring some small bit of anger, melds inside her and confuses her emotions. He stands in the way of the exit and there’s no escaping him. They stand there face to face, her expression refusing to give anything away.

Ryan stands there growing nervous, looking at his girlfriend who hasn’t verbally acknowledged his presence. He knows all the times he’s had to call in for an upset, doesn’t go unnoticed by her. He breaks the silence knowing it should be him to make the first move. “Marissa…”

“Ryan…” She speaks his name and to him it hadn’t ever felt that distant for as long as he could remember.

“I know I’m probably not your favorite person right now…” He says sincerely trying to encourage a smile out of her.

“You’re probably…right”

“Marissa I’m sorry…it’s just with-“

She cuts him off, “You don’t have to explain, its fine…” She said tiredly and she stands there unbothered but just speechless. “I really just want to get home, so if you wouldn’t mind…” Marissa implying that he’s in the way of her getting out of there.

“Do you need a ride?”

“I have my car.”

“Can we talk, just for a little bit…” He asks hopeful but a little scared of what response he’ll get.

“How about you leave another message, and I’ll get back to you on that one.” She says bluntly and he knows he deserved every word of that sentence and all the sentiments attached to it, and he knows he’s got to work a little harder to get her to listen.

“You know my reasons for not being around, and there’s not much I can add to that, all I can say is that I’m sorry…I miss you, and, I just want to talk…please?”

Despite what her mind tells her, her heart encourages her to take his hand and she does quietly, and he’s grateful, she offers a hint of a smile and exhales a long breath, “Okay…let’s talk.”

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 26

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 01:28:26 GMT

'The Breaking Point'

***

Summer runs over to Seth with excitement as she drops her luggage and he picks her up whirling her around in an instant before their lips engage romantically as if from a scene in

a love story. The smiles on their faces are plastered on and it hadn’t been removed as they enjoy the presence of each other after the absence.

Ryan was beaming at the sight of the face and figure he’d been missing, but Marissa’s smile on the other hand was less apparent. In contrast to Summer’s spur of the moment

leap, she walked slowly towards him. He watched her on the approach and his arms were slowly spreading to engulf her in a hug but as she came closer and leaned in, his warm

embrace wasn’t reciprocated in the same manner he’d hoped for. Her arms around him felt almost as if they were siblings with her small rub of his back and awkward pat, as he

expected a melding of their lips it became more like a quick peck that he didn’t understand.

***

With Seth and Summer going their separate ways, as Summer mimes a ‘Call me’ to Marissa before they exit the lot, Ryan and Marissa are left to themselves on the drive home.

There seems to be an elephant in the room, but unfortunately only Marissa knew what it was and Ryan was still yet to work out what has brought on this sudden behavior and

tension between himself and the woman in his life.

He watched her as she looked out the window wordlessly, absorbing the scenes she hadn’t witnessed in a fortnight, looking out the window of the Range Rover and letting the cool

breeze brush against her cheek. “How was the flight?” He asks with uncertainty.

“It was fine…” She said simply, turning her head to face him for a split second before returning her gaze back to the road.

“I didn’t really talk to you much this past week, how was everything?” Ryan said, again attempting to make conversation and get more than three words out of her.

“It wasn’t too bad…”

Four; it was better than the last. Ryan sighed and couldn’t for the life of him understand how this cold front had come about. He remained quiet and they spent the drive back to her

place in silence. Occasionally, he would take her hand in his and she would give him a small smile every now and again when she’d look his way just to let her know she was still

coherent.

Helping her carry her luggage through her building they ended up at the front of her door and without hesitation he would normally walk in, but there was an uncomfortable air that

made him wonder whether or not he should even go in with her or leave her by the door as if it were a first date.

Twisting the knob open she enters and switches the light on bringing her things in with her and leaving Ryan standing by the entry.

“Marissa…” He asks almost as if pleading. “What’s going on?” He finally says as he stares at her with her back towards him and she sets her things aside before returning the

gaze.

She stands there, giving him a look as if she’s the one waiting for some sort of explanation, and he’s confused.

“Would you talk to me? Please?”

“About what?” Marissa asks as if innocent.

“About this”, he says while waving his hands up and down to signal her whole self. “You and why you’re being like this…”

“Like what?”

“Like that, you and the attitude and ignoring me.”

In a sudden display of frustration her volume rises and looks him straight in the eyes, “Why? What difference does it make?” What seemed to look like anger quickly turned and

resembled hurt with her on the verge of tears and with this Ryan was thrown off. “We’re only beating around the bush and dancing around what we know is going to happen

anyway. So why don’t you just break up with me and call it a da-“

“Woah, woah woah”, he says in an instant as he tries to register what she’s just said. “Break up with you?” Ryan speaks up incredulously.

She sniffs and wipes a stray tear with her sleeve, “I know you wanted to talk to me, and I know you only ever say you need to talk when it’s something important…and…I also know

you’ve been spending a lot of time with Sarah…” Marissa explains as if completely defeated and mentally drained. “I get it, you have things in common, she’s easy going, she’s

attractive and-“

“She’s not you…” He says softly cutting her off while looking at her now figuring out what’s going on and his heart softens at the thought of her thinking these things. “Marissa…I’m

not…I can’t believe you would think that…” Ryan stands for a moment still trying to register the sentences that felt like it came at light speed. Finally he offers his hand out for her to

take it, and as she does he pulls her closer towards him.

She closes her eyes briefly as she takes in what he’s just said and feels like an idiot for having being so doubtful and inflicting unnecessary worry upon herself, “I’m sorry, its just

with not talking to you, and you saying that, and talking to Summer…I was…scared.”

“Is that why Summer yelled at me over the phone?”

“What?”

He shakes off his last question and begins again, “Marissa…I need you to trust that I love you.”

“I know, I do know, I just think my imagination got the better of me. I’m…sorry…” She says helplessly not knowing what else to do.

Holding her by her waist their foreheads touch as he speaks to her, “I know we’re not perfect, and a lot of the time its my insecurities that get the better of me, the better of us…and

most of the time its you who needs to ask me to trust you, and I do…I love you and I learn everyday how to have faith in us…and now…I’m asking you…”

She nods without a word just to let him know she understood and she closes her eyes enjoying the comfort of being back in his presence. “I’m sorry…” Marissa repeats with

sincerity in her tone.

“This…this, what we have, is important to me, and I’m not just going to let that go…let you go.”

His unrehearsed words cause her to tear up and she wraps her arms around his neck pulling him as close to her as physically possible, ashamed that she’d even thought the

things she had. After allowing her head to rest on his shoulder briefly she pulls back and her emotions drive her to close the gap between their lips and their palettes move in unison

as their appetites for each other cause haste and urgency in their expressions of affection, and the pent up passion that they’d been longing to release had finally caught up with

them after these two weeks.

“I love you…”

“I trust you…”

“So I guess this is us making up now”, he says in between kisses with a knowing smile while runs his hands through her hair.

“You have no idea…” She replies with intensity and her tone quickly excites him.

“Kyle home?” Their small argument fades as there is one thing left on their minds.

“Gone to visit the family.”

That was all he needed. Picking her up and without breaking contact he closes the door shut and pins her against the wall while her legs are wrapped around his waist. After sheer

moments he’s brought her over to the bedroom and lays her down and his body follows suit above her. Both undressed, midnight passes as if it were day, the early morning comes

as if it were an evening, daybreak rises as if it were night. They sleep bare and he holds her close as if it were forever.

***

That next morning he sits there in thought at the edge of her bed as she brushes her hair in front of her dresser. He knows what he needs to say to her, but can’t seem to find the

words. That thing he needed to explain had still gone unmentioned and he figured this were a good a time as any. But looking at her, to bring up something like this, he wasn’t sure if

there were any right ways to say something as important as this, considering.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Ryan says suddenly.

She leans to see his serious expression through the reflection and she turns setting the brush down before walking over to the bed and sitting by him. “Sure…”

“It’s about why I didn’t talk to you last Sunday…” he begins.

His tone and his expression bewildered her and she continues to wait for him to keep going.

“Seth and I were out to grab dinner and as we were eating I got a call from Sarah…she was scared, panicked, I had no idea what…I didn’t know what was happening and she just

asked for me to come get her.” He says as he stares down at his hands and waits a moment before continuing. “We found her, sitting on the sidewalk in a deserted neighborhood,

she was shivering and looked a mess, and I hadn’t ever seen her like that before…”

Marissa’s eyes grow with concern as she furrows her eyebrows, “What…what happened?”

Ryan sighs, “She was in bad shape, she was at a party, drinking I guess, and someone tried to…attack her, take advantage of her…she fought this guy off and ran…that’s when

she called me, and she told me that the next morning…” He stops and looks at her and can’t anticipate how this is meant to make her feel, but decides rather he tell her the truth

despite what that may be.

Marissa let’s his words reverberate through her head and draws her mind back to her own experiences, now realizing why it was hard for Ryan to just tell her. His description

parallels to that of her night with Trey and can’t help but let her thoughts dwell on that for what felt like hours but merely only seconds. Despite her decision to leave this part of her

life in the past, it didn’t mean that it didn’t impact her when someone would speak these familiar words. But as she channeled her own strength she let it go, thinking that when she

decided she wouldn’t hide from it but rather accept it, her refusal to let it burden her allowed her to finally ask, “Is she…okay…” Marissa, slowly speaks in a soft voice.

“…she’s uh…she’s fine on the outside, but I don’t know, she’s scared…I mean that’s why I’ve been trying to get her out of the house, she’s…I really don’t know…”

She takes his hand in his and rubs it gently before offering a sympathetic smile, “It’s good that you’re…you know, there for her…trying to be a friend…”

He leans into her wrapping an arm around her waist as he buries his face in the crook of her neck before inhaling her scent deeply then looks back up into her eyes. “Sorry I made

you worry that night…”

“Hey, its okay, you were just trying to help someone, I can’t hold that against you…”

***

“So he wasn’t breaking up with you?”

“No Sum, he wasn’t breaking up with me…I felt like an idiot after I blurted it out, and for doubting him…” Marissa answered as the two girls sat with popcorn on the sofa at

Summer’s, in preparation for an Audrey Hepburn marathon later that evening.

“So what happened with Sarah?”

“Well…apparently she was at a party and some guy tried to…” Marissa answered, uncomfortable with saying the words that would end that sentence.

“Oh my god…” Summer said with her eyes wide open.

“Yeah…and I know I don’t know her but I know she doesn’t really have anyone, so…I told Ryan it was good you know…that he can be a friend to her…”

“You said that?” Summer wondered somewhat surprised.

“Yeah…why do you sound so…” she raises and eyebrow.

“No, nothing, nothing…” She answers with a hint of skepticism in her voice.

“He’s the closest thing she has to a friend I think, and I’m fine with it…” Marissa says firmly.

“Alright Coop…what about you? Considering what you’ve…are you, you know, going to try and talk to her about it?”

Marissa pauses, “I don’t know…maybe…I mean, I don’t really say too much to her and now, its just weird though, I mean, saying out of nowhere ‘hey we have something in

common'”, she sighs. “I guess, maybe if she wants to talk…” After a few seconds of silence while Summer loads the player Marissa smiles to herself, “You know Ryan told me

about your little talk to him…”

Summer stops in her path and freezes, “Yeah…about that…” she begins as she stares back to be met with a warm smile.

“Thanks…” Marissa says simply and Summer sits back down.

The opening credits start to roll and Seth walks in on his way to the refrigerator catching a glimpse of the television. “Hey, ‘Funny Face’”, he says unexpectedly and elated, the two

girls turn with furrowed eyebrows, he wipes off his smile and walks quickly to the kitchen brushing off their stares.

***

She cowers in the lounge, huddled in the dark she clutches a can of hairspray and awaits the next move of the owner of the soft footsteps that creep along outside in the hallway.

Although she anticipates it she jumps at the sound of the knocking at the door. She remains quiet hoping desperately that the knocking and the presence will pass, but it beats

again.

“Sarah?” He calls out.

It’s in her own fear that clouds her mind and her ability to recognize the voice, she waits before saying, “Go away! I have a gun okay!” She calls out in haste.

He stands at the door confused and knocks once again. “Sarah? Sarah it’s me. It’s Ryan…”

“Ryan…” She whispers to herself.

“Sarah, I forgot my key…Sarah?”

She quickly gets to her feet and heads for the door, “Ryan?” She double checks before making out his voice a lot clearer.

“Sarah, are you okay? It’s me…” He says calmly, standing there another few seconds before he can hear her begin to unlatch the chain.

***

As the movie continues to play, Seth stands there behind the girls with pudding in hand, slowly spooning it out of its container and directly into his mouth while his eyes refuse to

stray from the screen.

“Oh I love this when Fred Astaire’s character finds her at this library…” He says mindlessly.

“I thought it was a bookstore…”

“Library, bookstore, whatever…”

Summer looks back to eye Seth, “Cohen, whatever masculine cover you thought you had is all blown okay. You’re already watching, you may as well sit…” She says as she pats

the space between her and Marissa and the two giggle slightly.

“I’m not watching…” He denies childlike before his girlfriend gives him a knowing look. “Okay, maybe I’ll stay for a minute”, he smiles, easily giving in and hurdles over the couch to

take his place.

***

They sit down. Sitting opposite her he takes her so called gun out of her hands, sets the hairspray down and exchanges it for a cup of coffee.

“You want to tell me what that was about?” He said, concerned.

Taking a sip of her coffee she looks in his eyes for only a moment, shying away out of embarrassment. “Not Really.”

“Are you okay…”

“I’ve been getting prank calls all night…I guess it made me a little…on edge…”

“A little? It’s most likely just some kids with nothing better to do…”

She shrugs, “I don’t know…maybe.”

“You said yourself you never gave him your last name, or your number, or where you lived, so…I know you’ll be okay…okay?”

Setting down the mug she buries her head in her hands and begins to break down. She lets the tears run through the gaps between her fingers, “Why? Why do I...find myself going

after the same guys, doing the same things, and…keep getting myself into some sort of mess…” Sarah says helplessly.

He empathizes with her, stroking her shoulder, gently consoling the girl before him, “You know…sometimes it’s not that easy to just change the person we’re so used to…”

“I just get so…tired, and I wish I could just get things together, be with someone, different from all these other dead-end guys I’ve been with…and not…be…this way.”

“You can turn things around if you want to…it might just take a little time…and you’ll find somebody, I mean…who wouldn’t want you…” Ryan smiles at her sincerely and he

watches her as she looks up out of her tears to return a look into his eyes.

***

The three friends sit in the dim light, each letting a tear escape their eyes as they watch the emotion filled scene between Astaire and Hepburn unfold. Marissa and Summer both

pat Seth on either side of his shoulders, offering him comfort as he seems to be the most affected.

“Oh I love this how he finds he in the garden…” Marissa says softly.

“Oh so do I…” Summer replies and reaches for another tissue.

Seth opens his mouth but the scene renders him speechless as he shakes his head and closes his eyes for a brief second trying to keep himself together.

"Oh Cohen..."

Regardless of the absence of one member that completes the four they enjoy the company of the other two beside them, persisting to share in the time spent; sharing popcorn,

laughing in the times of happiness and using the others as a support group during the sad, carrying on as friends do.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 25

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 01:16:18 GMT

'The Tell Tale Signs'

***

He knocks on the door hoping not to disturb her and peers through the crack to find she’s laying down staring at the vacant spaces in the ceiling.

“Hey”, Ryan says as he walks in cautiously, “I thought…coffee?” He continues hopeful but with no response except for a twitch in her mouth trying to force a smile. Setting the mug

on her bedside he takes a seat on the armchair by the window trying to figure out how to talk to her. “Look, I…I don’t uh…I know we’re just roommates but I’d also like to think we’re

friends, and I just want…I want you to know I’m here for you to talk or…I don’t know…I don’t know what happened but if you want to talk…” he stumbles on his sentence treading

carefully on uncertain ground, “I hope you’re okay…” After a line of moments that pass with no reaction he feels he’s overstayed his welcome and he gets up to leave.

“I’m okay…” Sarah says softly as he’s startled slightly and looks back at her before sitting back down as she then takes a breath before continuing to speak.

***

“Coop! Vamos! Come on, we have to go or we’ll be late!” Summer yells out from the hallway while applying the final touches on her lipstick in front of the large mirror.

Marissa begins to hop into the main living area trying to slip on her heels and adjusting her collar with the other hand. “Okay, okay, I’m here…” She says trying to catch her breath.

Her mind had been wandering all day still trying to get in contact with Ryan, her thoughts tried to account for anything that may have happened but it all seemed to be out of her

control. “Hey uh…did uh, you talk to Seth?” Marissa asks trying to be subtle.

“I spoke to him last night, why?”

“Oh uh…no reason.” She says casually.

Summer picks up her purse and ensures she hasn’t left anything behind, “Alright let’s go, I’m going to get us a cab, meet me downstairs.” She instructs.

“Yeah, I’m right behind you…” Summer heads out the door and Marissa gives herself a once over in the oversized mirror that Summer was just standing in front of a moment ago

and sighs before her cell phone begins to go off.

Looking at the screen some of the tension in her body relaxes, and in seeing who the caller is, feels part relief knowing he’s okay, and slight annoyance that he hadn’t called sooner.

“Hey.” She says calmly.

“Hey its me…”

“Hi…” is all she can say.

“Hi”, he can sense she’s a little hesitant and understandably so. “I’m sorry about yesterday, I left my cell in the car.”

“I uh…I tried calling you at home…” Her tone remains constant and unwavering, making it hard for Ryan to decipher how she’s feeling, which for him becomes somewhat daunting.

“I know, it’s a…there’s something I want to talk-“ His words are cut off when he faintly hears a horn in the background.

Marissa reacts to the beeping of the cab driver from outside and bites her lip remembering Summer’s waiting for her.

“Do you have to go?” Ryan asks, disappointed.

“Yeah, Summer and I have that show we’re going to and we’ve really got to uh…Ryan?” She pauses trying to listen out for any sign of him as he seems to have disappeared.

“No, no I’m here…”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just…I miss you…”

At those simple words, any hint of irritation on her behalf fades away and can’t help but fall for it, “I was worried about you…”

“I know, there’s just something I want to tell you so I guess…we’ll talk later when you get back…maybe?” He says unsure, hoping that she’ll want to talk to him. There's uneasiness

in his voice and she can feel it and soon makes her cautious.

She ponders on the somewhat mysteriousness in what he may need to talk to her about but lets it go considering she’s going to make them late, “okay…I’ll talk to you soon...."

"Okay..."

"I love you..."

"Everything's okay right..?" She questions once more before deciding to leave.

He avoids this comment unsure of how to answer knowing what he needs to say can't be summarized in the space of thirty seconds, he can faintly hear the horn honk through the

receiver for the second time, "you're going to be late. I love you, I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay…” She finishes somber before they both hang up and she pauses for a brief second before she gathers her things and rushes quickly downstairs.

***

“What do you think he meant?” Marissa asks as she stares off into a random part of the runway floor.

The space is illuminated and washed out with spotlights, guests have begun to fill the rows that run parallel to the stage and are caught up in mindless chatter while they wait. The

atmosphere exudes so much energy and excitement. Waves of beautiful people constantly find their way inside awaiting the start of such an event. Photographic and filming

equipment are all set up as they eagerly await the subjects and Summer’s eyes wander as she tries to find her colleagues.

Distracted, “What did who mean?”

“What are you looking for?”

“I’m supposed to meet with some of the team who are here for the shoot, I really wanted to observe how they work when they’re at these things and they told me to find them when I

got here.”

“You’re leaving me?”

“No, of course not, but yeah, soon.” She says as she looks around and her answer leaves Marissa slightly confused.

“Sum…”

“No don’t worry, I won’t be gone for long. What did Chino say anyway?”

“He said he wanted to talk about something and it sounded kind of important. What do you think it is?” She continues to ask a little worried.

“I’m sure its nothing. Maybe they switched phone carriers.” Summer answered, barely paying attention with a lack of a better answer.

“Of course, why didn’t I think of that…” Marissa says monotonously. “Seriously Sum, I mean, Ryan and I talk, but when Ryan says he wants to talk it usually means its

something...bigger…” She gasps in a moment of insanity, “What if he wants to break up with me?”

Summer rolls her eyes, “Coop, he does not want to break up with you…”

“Why not? It’s happened before. Maybe he’s had some time to think about us while I’ve been here in New York and has decided he liked it better single, I don’t know. Am I crazy?”

“Yes.” Summer answers frankly. “You're rambling and you're exaggerating; have you been hanging out with Seth?” She says sarcastically.

“I’m just worried…I don’t know, I think it has something to do with why wasn’t able to talk to me last night.”

“Marissa, there could be a million things he wants to talk to you about, I’m sure breaking up with you is not one of them. “The both of you have been ridiculously happy its almost

sick, there is no way.”

Unexpectedly, Ashley is on the approach towards them with a smile smeared across his face.

“Hey”, Summer lights up, “I didn’t know I’d see you here”, she says as she stands to give him a friendly hug.

“Yeah I came with a friend, hey Marissa”, he acknowledges and she gives him a polite smile. “I passed Mia down that way”, he speaks while he looks over to the direction he’s

referring to. “She said you can just go over there if you wanted to now…”

“Oh great, I’ve been trying to find them...” Summer then turns to her friend who’s still sitting there, “Coop, I’ll catch up with you soon.” She says apologetically as Ashley’s begun to

walk a few steps ahead of her.

“You know, he seems to turn up unexpectedly quite often”, she teases.

“Yeah, yeah, and stop worrying too much...” With that she turns on her heels and walks in tow of Ashley, leaving Marissa to her thoughts and wonderment as to this talk her and

Ryan are to have soon.

To start it off the looks from Marni make it down the runway in a stylistic fashion, a plethora of labels soon follow suit after a series of intermissions and while Marissa enjoys being

there her mind doesn’t stray too far from its initial anxieties. During the breaks she attempts to get in contact with Ryan but remains unsuccessful only to leave a trail of ringing that

leads all the way to his voice mail. She exhales and counts down the minutes with worry.

***

“I don’t know, I think you’re absence has really been putting a strain on their relationship. Princess Sparkles hasn’t been her usual sparkly self and when Oats tried talking to her

about it she thought he was calling her fat…” Seth continued to explain to Summer the goings on of their little family back at home a few days later.

“Well, Sparkles has been known to be a little dramatic, but that’s what makes her special. Have you been combing her tail? She likes that.” She twirls the phone cord through her

fingers as the sun begins to set on the busy New York Wednesday.

“Yes I have, a hundred combs a day without fail.”

“Good, because it really relaxes her, she finds it therapeutic. Oh I have to tell you about the fashion show on Sunday, it was amazing!” She stressed. “Mia, she’s like deputy director

of the studio and she totally let me take the reigns for half the time I couldn’t believe it. Oh and Ashley was there and he introduced me to all these people he knew in like, the fashion

business, it was great.”

“Aw wasn’t that sweet of Ashley to do that”, he says with obvious sarcasm.

“No need to be jealous Cohen. So have you been keeping busy while I’ve been away; have you been missing me?”

“Of course Summer my love. As I have aforementioned, I’m venturing back into creating prototypes for a new comic.”

Marissa strolls in casually as she’s headed for the kitchen. Despite their not so busy schedules she hadn’t managed to get a hold of Ryan since leaving the afternoon for the show,

her attempts to contact him during the days and nights had been a failure. She catches a snippet of Summer’s conversation and her ears perk up as she realizes its Seth and goes

over to the lounge where Summer lays and mimes to her, “Is Ryan there?”

“What?” Summer mouths back covering the mouth piece with her palm.

“Is Ryan there?” She repeats without a sound while spelling out his name with her index finger in mid air.

Back to Seth, “Oh, uh Cohen is Chino there?”

“Is one brother not enough for you?”

“Ew, no, Marissa’s just been trying to call him.”

“He’s with Sarah I think”, Seth says innocently without giving it any thought.

Summer pauses at this statement for a moment and questions the idea of Sarah in her mind without saying anything to Marissa who’s waiting for a response, she lies to her and

mouth’s ‘he’s out, he hasn’t seen him’, while shaking her head and giving nothing else away and waits silently until Marissa has left the vicinity.

“Summer? Hello? Summer” Seth mindlessly continues after noticing the silence on her end.

“What’s he doing with Sarah?’ Summer suddenly snaps back out of nowhere.

“What?”

In piecing together Marissa’s little anxieties and upon knowing Ryan is to talk to her about something of importance, she begins her inquiries with Seth in hopes of retrieving more

information. “I’m talking about Ryan. Why’s he with Sarah?”

Dumbfounded, “I don’t know…because they live together?”

“Coop has been trying to call for the past few days and has tried him at the house all today, they’re not there so their obviously somewhere else together. What do you know?” She

demands.

“What do you mean, 'what do I know?'”

“About Ryan and Sarah?” Summer drags out no longer wanting to beat around the bush.

“Nothing, I don’t know, what’s to know, and why are you so interested…”

“Don’t change the subject”, she says hastily which leaves Seth a little bewildered.

“How is that changing the subject?”

“Never mind that”, she says quickly.

“Look he’s been spending some time with her, that’s all I know.”

A look of suspicion spreads across her face before saying, “I’ve got to go. Don’t forget to move Princess Sparkles every once in a while, she likes the change of scenery”, and

before he can argue the repetitious beeping tone replaces the sound of her voice.

Summer sits by the television later that night relaying the little facts she knew about this situation with Ryan. He has to talk to Marissa, and according to Marissa, he doesn’t say that

unless its something of a big deal. He’s been out with Sarah. Seth obviously hasn’t seen much of him. Marissa hasn’t been able to get in touch with him for days. They’re out

together. She gasps inaudibly and is almost afraid to say what she’s thinking, afraid to confirm Marissa’s small outrageous outburst, and afraid to confirm as to what reasons that

may be. Summer wants nothing more for her to be wrong and she can’t believe it, but the signs were there and it was pointing into a direction that would break her friends heart.

Marissa’s cell phone begins to vibrate where she left it on the coffee table, she twitches her mouth and considers checking who it is, with Marissa in the shower she reaches over to

find Ryan’s name flicker on the screen and the thought of him begins to rile up her insides. The ringing doesn’t seem to cease and she wonders if she should pick it up or just let

him leave a message. There’s a sudden urge to give him a piece of her mind and in the spur of the moment she answer it with spite in her voice, “Look! I don’t know what you think

you’re doing, but there is no way I’m going to let you do that to my best friend, so you better think long and hard about what you’re doing or what you’re thinking of doing Mister!”

She snaps the phone back into its idle position and leaves Ryan to sit on the edge of his bed speechless having no idea what had just happened in the past five seconds. He

attempts to call once more with Summer purposefully ignoring him. Marissa comes out now running a towel through her hair and grabs a bottle of juice from the refrigerator before

standing next to Summer trying to figure out what she’s watching.

“Did anyone call while I was in the shower.”

Summer sighs and gravely takes a deep breath looking at Marissa straight in the eye, “Coop, I think you should sit down.”

She eyes her suspiciously before lowering herself down on the leather sofa still meeting Summer’s gaze and finding herself grow nervous.

***

Lying there in the dark in a bed and a room that isn’t hers, she feels alone. She wonders effortlessly if what she’s thinking were true. Where did it go wrong? Last year she always

had these insecurities in the pit of her stomach that Ryan would move on with her or someone like her, but she never thought it could be so while they were dating; while they were

happy. They were happy weren’t they? Were there signs she missed that showed it were a lie, was it all in her head? Was it like so many times before only her; only her that felt

that way? That truly laughed in their laughter and loved as they made love. Where did she go wrong? She wondered freely but refused to cry as she stared into the void. She was

confused, and in her confusion it became more like a logical puzzle out of newspapers that she tried to solve in her head. It made this problem more like a mathematical equation

she was detached from as opposed to something personal that would tear at her insides if she were to look at it as anything else.

***

The two young women sit at a nearby eatery having lunch. Outside on the neatly set up tables and chairs with matching sun shade umbrellas hoisted in the centre, they embrace

the rays through the slits in the skyline. As Marissa is about to raise her fork to take another bite out of her pasta her phone again begins to ring with a familiar caller who has been

attempting to get to her all morning without success.

“Should I…” Marissa wonders as she looks at his name nervously, anxiety overcoming her, anger, and sadness all in one hit.

“Coop, no”, Summer instructs, “You need to talk to him in person, look him straight in the eyes and ask him. If you talk over the phone it makes it easier for him to lie.”

They continue to talk over the phone until it dies, “Sum…I just…I can’t believe it. Ryan…I know Ryan and Ryan wouldn’t do anything…I don’t want to believe it…If I believe and I were

wrong, does that mean I have no faith in him” She says letting out a long string of air as she looks weary having stayed up the past two nights contemplating and asking herself

endless ‘How could he’s’.

“We don’t know yet, but you need to wait until we get back, and then you can find out for certain.” Summer said sternly hoping her friend would take her advice. “I’m not saying he

did or they are or they will be or they might be, I told you because I thought you should know…” Summer said with a sympathetic look in her eyes as she reaches over to grab the

hand of her friend who remained speechless for most of their lunch.

“We’ll know tomorrow when we go home won’t we…”

He continues to call and she continues to leave it unanswered. They leave their tips on the table and that night pack up their belongings in the townhouse that were their home for

the past two weeks and both later falling asleep on the oversized couches watching ‘Pretty Woman’ on their last night in New York.

***

They watch from their windows the city view from above, they watch the skyscrapers stay behind as they press on and leave the city to be as they go home. The journey home

feels longer and a large part of it is spent in silence. Marissa smiles with a little scoff at the end as she remembers her and Ryan’s last plane trip together. Sitting there facing the sit

ahead, tracing the patterns on the fabric she lets her mind think of what it will be like to see his face again after their time apart. She wonders what she should expect, what he’ll be

thinking as he looks at her and what she’ll find as she stares back at him. What is she going to say? She asks herself this amongst other things from takeoff until the plane sets

itself down on the runway in San Francisco.

The two girls walk down the long hall after getting through customs and follow the path to the arrivals exit point. Marissa’s steps are slow and calculated and as she sees through

the opening the people are rushing past, people static and waiting for friends and family, they stand there letting their eyes glaze over the unfamiliar faces as they soon stop and the

two beaming young men that stand feet away.

Ryan and Seth catch sight of them and they smile. Summer smiles and waves back as Marissa looks at her boyfriend with uncertainty.

“I love Ryan, but just say the word and I’ll rage blackout on his ass…" She pauses. "You gonna be okay?” Summer asks before they continue walking.

“I hope so…” Marissa replies taking another deep breath.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 24

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 21:24:38 GMT

'The Catalyst'

***

“Good morning”, Marissa said as she placed a stack of French toast on the plate as Summer walked in, still in her robe as she sat on the counter stool. “Tired?”

“Yeah, I didn’t realize how late I ended up falling asleep. Did you notice…no ‘I want to date you’ signals from Ashley, no inappropriate behavior, serves you wrong, Coop.” She says, grabbing a piece and lightly smearing jam across the top.

“That’s not to say he doesn’t want to, and by the way, we are no longer hanging out with his friend.”

“Jeff?”

“Who else, god Summer, it’s a mystery how he figures out to dress himself.”

“He’s not that bad…”

Marissa sits to join her, “That’s because you got to hang with the more normal one for most of the evening. Have you talked to Seth yet?”

“I spoke to him yesterday morning. I think he’s driving himself insane with boredom.”

“While his girlfriend is in another part of the country partying with cute guys…” Marissa teases.

“Marissa you make me out to sound like some kind of unfaithful slut.”

“I’m just kidding. I know you’d never do anything to jeopardize what you have with Seth”, she says with a warm smile.

“Dam.n straight. Even if Ashley likes me, I could never look at him that way. It’s too weird.” Summer says while she takes another bite out of her breakfast. “Have you talked to Ryan yet, talked, you know, phone sex, whatever…” she laughs.

“He called me earlier yesterday before he was heading out, I tried calling him last night again but he probably was asleep already.”

“You know, I must commend you Coop.” She begins.

“For what?”

“Well, if Seth was living with a woman, a very attractive woman no less, I wouldn’t take to that at all.”

“It’s not that big of a deal, I mean he started living there before we got back together and, I don’t even think about it.” She answers while eating and now flipping through a stray magazine nearby.

“Not even a little? Wouldn’t you rather be the one living with him?”

“I’m fine with it. I just don’t think it’s the time for us to be living together, and I mean, I’m okay where I am and so is he, a little bit of space isn’t a bad thing. Its fine for you and Seth, you guys are for sure going to get married one day…”

Summer smiles at the thought, “You don’t think you and Ryan…you guys seem so much better, happier, this time around.”

“We are, but I think it’s because we’re taking things as they come and not getting ahead of ourselves. Anyway, I’m going to start getting ready so we can head out.” Marissa takes one last sip at her tea before edging off the stool and off in the direction of her temporary room.

***

She lay there with her eyes open and staring into space. She hadn’t felt the comfort of a warm body beside her in a while, and welcomed the feeling it brought as he still lay in the same position they fell asleep in. Despite it being an accident, Sarah couldn’t bring herself to move from where she lay. Her attitudes always portrayed her to be self sufficient and in need of no one, but she was paralyzed in that spot thinking off how much she missed being with someone, anyone. Waiting until he began to stir, it was only then that she pretended to also wake and she sat up stretching and yawning to hide the fact that she’d been up for a while.

Ryan’s eyes began to creep open and adjust to the morning light, he felt a figure move right by him and felt the warm presence disappear and his vision finally came to, realizing it was Sarah and with the screen still displaying the movie start-up menu, realized what had happened.

“My god, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we fell asleep”, he said with a raspy voice, rubbing his eyes.

She stood up and began to let the comfort wear off and force herself not to get used to it and started clearing up a few things around the living area. “Yeah I know, I didn’t think Die Hard would take that much out of us”, Sarah said, minus the eye contact and in an unfazed tone before walking out to the kitchen like nothing ever happened.

“Sorry for…”

“Don’t worry about it, its not like its anybodies fault.”

Ryan said nothing further and he looked around and regained his bearings, thinking nothing more of the situation.

***

“When I said we were going shopping, I really meant shopping. Shopping is not code for me being your personal lackey for photography equipment”, Marissa

grumbled as she got out of the taxi from the drive on 72nd street and carried Summer’s bulky tri.pod while Summer had her camera from Seth, slung around her neck and dragged a large trunk. They stopped for a moment and there they got their first real grasp at the enormity of Central Park, like a giant playground the two girls stood there at its edge taking it all in. The tall buildings framed the entire area and ran across its edge in conspired order.

The late afternoon sun created a pattern behind the overhung trees, and the overhung trees created a canopy along the walkway, the branches bidding each other a good day and creating shade for the visitors as they walked through the picturesque thoroughfare.

“Come on, don’t you want to see what I do, or will be doing for a living…”

“Stalking people?” She said sarcastically. “Summer, this is heavy”, Marissa complained as they kept trudging through the park.

“We’re almost there…” Summer called back at her friend who was now trailing behind.

“Where are we going?”

“And I don’t stalk people…Think of it as Summer/Marissa time” She dragged a trunk full of her equipment until they finally reached Bethesda Terrace. Stopping at a corner, she opens up the large case and pulls out an incredibly oversized bag.

“What’s that?”

“This Coop, is for you”, she said, stuffing it in her arms while taking the tri.pod off of her.

“Well what is it…”

“A change of clothes…”

“For what?” She asked unsure and eyeing the bag suspiciously.

“You Coop, are my subject.”

“Come again? Summer, I’m not modeling for your photos.” She said bluntly with a wary expression.

“Come on, Coop!” Summer began pleading.

“Summer! There is like…real people, people with eyes.”

“So?”

“So, I’m not even a model”, she protests as she eyes the strangers passing by and feeling uncomfortable as the moments pass.

“You’re legs are the closest thing to me having a model, Come on Coop?” Summer continues to whine. “There’s a bathroom right over that turn, change quickly…please.”

“Where’d you get this anyway?”

“It’s a rental.”

There’s a long pause before Marissa rolls her eyes and gives in, “Fine. But if I ever need something from you one day…” She trails as she walks off in the direction Summer pointed out.

The outlook is beautiful as it oversees the large circular fountain and stretches out until it edges onto the lake. The symmetrical stairs cascade along with its carved, ornate railings. Locals and tourists meet in the courtyard of patterned stone, passing by in an unstructured grid. Marissa comes out a short while later with a distasteful look spread across her. People begin to stare just as she predicted and she feels uncomfortable in her own skin as she’s draped in the large intricate creation.

“Where do you want me to stand…” Marissa asks, and Summer points to it so she heads there.

“Come on Marissa. Try and look…sexy.”

“Summer, I don’t want to look sexy. I’m in a wedding dress. I don’t even have a make believe groom or a bridal party and people are beginning to stare.”

“They are not”, Summer denies.

“You’re taking photos of a lonely, make-believe bride with no husband. Why can’t you just take photos of me in normal clothes?”

“That’s boring””, Summer says bluntly, “Where’s the challenge in that?”

“Summer, this dress is incredibly heavy.”

“Think of it as practice…” She replies optimistically.

“For what?”

“For when you and Chino tie the knot.” Summer begins adjusting her camera and looking through the viewfinder until she focuses the image.

Marissa scoffs, “You’re jumping ahead of yourself Summer.”

“Oh please, its only a matter of time, Coop. Okay…now, look lonely, but sexy, and maybe a little vulnerable”, She instructs while Marissa looks unimpressed against the stone rail.

Marissa looked around feeling awkward, dusting down the dress she looked up as her wavy hair framed the soft tones on her face. Summer took on the role as the photographer and no longer the friend; taking her craft seriously, but at times couldn’t help but think, if only Ryan could see his girlfriend now.

***

The two young men sit at a local pizzeria having dinner later the same evening.

“So, have you talked to Marissa lately?”

“I spoke to her yesterday morning. I think she called last night but we fell asleep.”

“We?” Seth as inquisitively.

“Yeah, Sarah and I were watching a few movies and accidentally fell asleep.” Ryan explains casually.

“Asleep huh, interesting, the two of you…asleep.”

“Nothing happened”, Ryan rolled his eyes while he took another slice.

“Are you going to tell Marissa?” He wonders.

“It was nothing, I don’t think its anything worth mentioning.” His brother then retorts.

“Alright”, Seth puts his hands up as if to admit defeat.

“What about you? Have you talked to Summer yet?”

“I tried calling her last night, but I don’t know…”

“Maybe the girls were still out from their ‘hang’” Ryan laughs.

“What ‘hang’?”

***

The girls pile themselves on Summer’s bed and stare directly up into the ceiling, letting their weight become supported by the mattress.

“I’m wiped.” Summer exclaims.

“You did the easy part. What about me? Making me run through fountains.”

“You liked it.” Summer teased.

“I haven’t talked to Seth yet. I should give him a call soon.”

***

“Come on Seth it was no big deal. Marissa told me and it was fine.”

“Yes well you handle news better than I do, actually that’s not true, that’s meant to be me. Good lord what’s happening to the world.”

He answered the phone chuckling at Seth and not paying attention to who the call was coming from, “Hello?” The female’s voice was urgent and the more Ryan heard the more his mind began to race and his eyes widened. Seth saw the look on his face and began to wonder what was happening.

“Marissa? Summer?” Seth mimed to him while Ryan shook his head.

Quickly flipping the cell to close he got up and grabbed his keys off of the table, “We’ve got to go.”

***

The girls continued to lay there relaxed without a care in the world as the darkness began to fall deeper, getting caught up in conversation.

“Remember when you and Luke got married in the sixth grade”, Summer and Marissa both laugh at the memory.

“How could I forget, you were my made of honor and handed me my red licorice whip bouquet.”

“And then you found him half an hour later doing a little PD with Tracy Marcelle. You should’ve taken that back then as a sign Coop”, Summer joked.

Marissa chuckles, “but I took him back because he promised to buy me an ice cream.”

“You’re so easy”, she teased.

***

Seth and Ryan drove along a deserted strip of silent houses. It was dark and could barely see the ends of each street. Every other lamp post seemed to be out and the atmosphere was eerie. Keeping their eyes peeled they drove cautiously until they found what they were looking for. Hidden in the shadows the figure sat with their knees huddled close to them and kept their back up against a wall, rocking back and forth hypnotically.

“There she is”, Seth points as the two young men focus on the same image and let their jaws drop slightly.

Ryan brings the car to a halt and unbuckles his belt, getting out of the car and running towards the lone girl that sat disheveled with her make-up running steadily down the edge of her cheek. She looks up at him without saying a word, fear spread across her face and her body in paralysis. Ryan takes her by the hand encouraging her to get to her feet, but she doesn’t move. He takes another look at her nature and her hair runs like a tangled web and he begins to worry. Taking a hold of her he carries her carefully to the car and Seth gets out and opens the door for the both of them.

***

“Anyway, I’m going to try and call Ryan and go to bed.” Marissa says as she starts to get up.

“When you say call, you mean…”

“No Summer, I just mean ‘call’. Goodnight”, she waves as she exits and closes the door shut.

***

After dropping off Seth, he guides her up the stairs to their apartment and still she hasn’t said a word. Ryan begins to worry and consider the possibilities of what may have happened that has brought her to this point. Opening the door to her room, she walks in slow motion and lies down, bringing herself under the covers. Ryan says nothing more and let’s her be for the night. Figuring that he should let her sleep undisturbed, he takes the house phone off the hook before going to bed with a million thoughts, with a night ending like he didn’t plan it would.

What a difference a day makes.

***

After trialing their house phone with not luck she dials the second number, the phone begins to ring and she waits patiently, but the cell phone sits on its own on the edge of the driver’s seat, ringing with no one around to know of it’s presence. “It’s Ryan, leave a message.” She hears this for the second night in a row and begins to wonder.

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 23

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 21:48:51 GMT

'The Long Distance Connection'

***

She looks out of the view from the bedroom window. The streetlamps glisten and even in the late hour, people pass by the brownstone structures and stroll down the sidewalks of New York. Marissa looks out as far as the view will take her and breathes in the atmosphere. It’s new, it’s fresh, it’s far from her beginnings, and being there affords her some feeling of renewal. As she thinks of the distance her mind retreats over two thousand miles away, and as if planned, her cell phone starts to alert her of an incoming call to take her back there.

“Ryan”, she beams as she sits on the bed in the darkness with only the light from outside coming in.

“Love of my life”, he somewhat jokes with her going off the reference to his phonebook. Ryan lays down on his own bed looking up into the ceiling as he’s done countless times and finding comfort in hearing his girlfriend’s voice; finding himself miss her presence.

“How was your day?” She stretches out her legs and pulls the cover over herself halfway, taking a deep breath and allowing herself to get comfortable. “Did you start on that job you had lined up?”

“No, that doesn’t start for another few weeks. How’s New York treating you?” He enquires.

“Amazing; it really is a different world out here. It’s a good change of pace if only for a little while. It just feels different…”

“Better different?”

“No, just different. But you know, wherever you are will always win out over anywhere else”, she says with a smile, even though he can’t see it, he senses it. “How are you and Seth going?”

“As good as can be expected. We’re doing Seth/Ryan double the time now”, he kids. “He’s going through Summer withdrawals.”

“That’s sweet. What about you? Are you going through Marissa withdrawals?”

He stretches out onto his bed, shirtless and only in boxers, “Depends, what are the symptoms?”

“You react quickly to the sound of her name, your blood rushes to your head, and your heart palpitates faster when you hear her voice.” She says, tantalizing him as her mind begins to stray and wonders what he’s wearing at that exact moment.

“Then I would say I’m definitely going through Marissa withdrawals.” He says with a raspy voice as he tries to feel out what game she’s playing. “So what’s the cure?”

“Until she comes back, I think there may only be one solution…” Marissa trails seductively as both are becoming heated quickly and without a thought to her actions, lets her fingers glide from her collarbone to her naval in a streamlined motion.

He’s mesmerized by the silkiness in her voice and his mind begins to pace as he begins to wonder if they’ll do what they think they’re about to do, losing rationality he asks, no longer playing the game and becomes serious, “what are you wearing?”

As soon as she hears these words, she feels the game play stop and has a small grin on her face and knows exactly where this conversation is heading. “What are you wearing?” She teases.

“I asked you first”, he says in complete control as she’s slightly taken aback at how direct he is, but finds that it only fuels her want for him even more.

She obliges and tells him of her only being in her black underwear and laced camisole, “and what about you?”

“I don’t think it’s all that fair that I’m in only in my boxers while you have a top half on”, he half smiles to no one in particular.

“Let me catch up to you then”, she says alluring him into notions of her even further and the phone transmits some ruffling sounds and he’s obvious that she’s peeled the top off of her skin.

“Marissa…” Ryan speaks her name softly, “are we going to do what I think we’re about to do…”

“Unless you don’t want to…” she says in almost a whisper.

The heat is building, and even in the miles apart there’s friction, and his body begins to tense up as they don’t even let forgetting about it, become an option. They instruct each other in hoarse whispers, and in passing moments, the little clothing they had left has found its way to the ground without them. They both lay bare with a million thoughts of each other as the intimacy transcends through the connection, sharing the same moonlight, they moan softly in their confined spaces as they experience these methods for the first time. The spirit is raw and can’t believe how much passion they can generate even with the distance. Next to being physically together, it was the second most invigorating sexual experience they’d ever gone through with anyone. They let their sweat exude from their bodies underneath the sheets as they touched themselves with the image of the other fixated in their minds. She let her hips, rise and fall subconsciously in response to him, while he quickened his pace imagining her body hover above. The intensity rose as the pressure building became too much to control, and they rode out the euphoria together in waves, leaving them breathless.

“Ryan…” she says moments later after regaining some composure, and runs her hands through her hair. “That was…”

“Amazing”, was all he could muster as he lay wide eyed.

“Did we just..?”

“Uh huh…” He exhaled.

“Wow”, she exclaimed at a loss for words. “I’ve never…”

“Neither have I…”

“Wow”, Marissa said for the second time, catalyzing a smile to form on Ryan’s face.

***

The two girls worked their way through the high end wears that greeted them orderly in Saks Fifth Avenue. Marissa would trail behind Summer as her friend would skip from one blouse to the next pencil skirt, and hold them against herself in the passing mirrors.

“Does this make me look too, I don’t know, book-ish?” Summer asks as she considers the ensemble that comes off as too librarian.

Marissa takes a seat on the complimentary lounge chair, “No”, she says without having even taken a glance.

Summer makes her way to pick up few more mixed items to take her from day to the evening while Marissa does the same but with less enthusiasm. “Come on, Coop”, she instructs as she takes her free hand and drags her friend into the empty change-rooms.

Marissa yawns and obliges as they get into their separate stalls right next to each others.

“Ashley came by to visit me at work and invited us to go out with him and a friend on Friday night, kind of like, to show us around…” Summer called out.

“What, like a double date?”

“No Coop, it’s not a date, he just invited someone else because it might be weird with just three.”

“If you say so…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Summer says defensively.

“Oh come on…” Marissa rolls her eyes as they both walk out of their spaces in synchronization to show each other what they’ve changed into and get an opinion.

“Buy that”, Summer says frankly as she eyes the black tunic that doubles as an incredibly short dress.

Marissa stands behind Summer as they both face the hallway mirror and she tucks in Summer’s blouse at the back for her into her jeans and straightens her collar, “I like this on you.” They both then stand there looking at themselves for a moment before walking back into their change-room stalls. “As I was saying, I’m not the most perceptive person, we all know this, but…”

“But…”

“Ashley likes you”, she drags out in a sing-song voice.

Summer just scoffs, “Oh please, he does not like me like that. You’re right you’re not the most perceptive person. He knows I have a boyfriend.”

“So?”

“So…he’s my friend.”

“Despite you being with Seth, it doesn’t mean he still can’t like you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you”, Marissa teases as they both come back out again to get another opinion on their next look.

“Marissa please…” She stops as she studies Marissa’s glistening white Summer dress, “Do they have that in my size? Oh anyway, as I was saying…We have like this older brother type relationship, he would not see me in that way…”

Marissa yawns, “Okay…”

“You’ve been yawning all day, what’s with you?”

“I’m just tired Sum…” She says wearily.

“From…”

Marissa had a subtle smile on her face, “I was just talking to Ryan.” She says not revealing too much.

“Oh yeah, how is Chino?” Summer says innocently as she studies the dress she’s now in, fixated on her reflection.

“Good…” Marissa says with an impish grin that she hadn’t realized was so evident, and Summer just so happened to catch a glimpse of it.

“What, did you…You didn’t…Yes you did! You little whore”, Summer laughs.

“Summer!” Marissa chides.

“Keep this up and Ryan will have many interesting nights on his hands”, she remarks.

***

“Summer’s got us into going out with Ashley and a friend later. They’re going to take us out, explore New York at night I guess.”

“Marissa Cooper, are you going on a date?” Ryan teases as he starts to put on his shoes

“No, not a date, a group-hang”, she laughs into the receiver. “Are you going to be alright with that?”

“Of course, as long as any dancing will be kept at a distance of at least three feet apart, then I’m all for it”, he chuckles.

“I doubt there’ll be any dancing”, she smiles, “besides, as of last Chrismukkah eve, I only dance with you.” Marissa ends sweetly.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, that’s so…”

“Well you know I’m not much of a dancer…”

“That’s okay you make up for it in other ways…over and over…and over…” Marissa giggles softly.

“I do my best...So how is Seth on this so called ‘hang’, you guys have going?”

“Actually, I’m not sure if Summer’s mentioned it. I mean, it’s not a big deal or anything, but I’m just mentioning it to you in passing.”

“So if I hadn’t asked what you had planned for tonight, you wouldn’t have told me”, he says in mock hurt.

“Yeah probably not”, she jokes. “Ryan its no big deal, and I don’t expect you to tell me every little detail about everything that goes on with you.”

“No, I know”, he smiles, “but unfortunately, I’ve got to go meet with this company I’ll be interning for.”

“I thought that didn’t start for another few weeks?”

“No I think this is just a meet and greet, and get briefed on what I’ll be doing and what not, so I’ll talk to you soon?” He says hopeful.

“You bet. Love you.” Marissa says simply.

“You too.”

***

It’s now later in the afternoon and San Francisco is in full motion on a relaxing Summers day. The trams work interchangeably as people constantly step off and get aboard to take them to another destination. Children run playfully with their pets in the park as the families sit in laughter on the green grass. Runners are out on the sidewalks listening to their music and keeping their paces in sync with the beats.

He sat motionless with the five o’clock shadow along his jaw line. Sullenly sitting on the couch in last nights plaid shorts and tee, capped off with a morbid robe; he juxtaposed the productive scenes outside his window. The lowly soul sat like an expendable, expressionless, drone in front of the plasma screen as he tapped away at the controller as his two companions looked on, propped on the coffee table with molded, vacant looks. The static Captain Oats and Princess Sparkles could do nothing but observe Seth and his dismal nature.

“You know Oats, if you only had opposable thumbs, I think we could really get a game going here.”

There was no response as the creatures’ plastic painted-on eyes continued to stare into nothingness.

“You know, add playstation to your repertoire. It would look very impressive with the ladies.” He says encouragingly.

Silence.

“What’s that Sparkles? Of course, when I said ‘ladies’, I meant you, absolutely.”

Ryan finds the door unlocked and turns the knob to make his way inside. Upon entering he catches a snippet of Seth’s conversation to himself and stays quiet, continuing to listen with a grin on his face.

“No come on, I was kidding. Oats would never leave you even if he had opposable thumbs. He would never think he’s better than you. I mean, you think Oats can ever find a companion with a brighter sea-foam green tail than yours; it’d never happen.” Seth shakes his head as he gets caught up in serious conversation with the inanimate objects while Ryan can do nothing but try and compress his laughter. “Oats will agree with me, tell her Oats…”

“Sparkles, you will always be my bitch.” Ryan says straight out as he approaches the lounge.

Without having completely registered the voice, “Oats?” Seth says slowly.

“It’s Ryan, you nut-job”, Ryan says as he teasingly slaps Seth on the shoulder and takes a seat adjacent to Seth.

“I wasn’t having a three-way conversation with plastic horses.”

“Yeah you were”, Ryan states bluntly, not surprised at all.

“Yeah I was”, Seth answers, dropping his head in a shamed manner.

Ryan gives him a once over and makes note of his attire, “Did you shower at all today?” Ryan asks as he connects the extra game controller into the socket. “Actually, let me rephrase that. Did you do anything at all today?”

“Yes, yes I did”, trying to deny the fact he really didn’t.

“You didn’t do anything, did you?”

“No, that’s not true. Earlier I organized my DVD collection. I cross referenced them alphabetically and by genre.” Ryan gives him an unconvinced look. “Okay I lied. I thought about it, and then somewhere, I just, I didn’t.” He admits.

Ryan obviously the wiser as to how his brother spent a good part of his day, continues to question him and force out the truth. “When you didn’t do that, what did you do?”

“I made breakfast.”

“After breakfast…”

“I watched some morning cartoons.”

“And then…”

“I switched on the playstation”

“And that was when…”

“Nine thirty”

“Which means you’ve been here how long…”

Seth takes a pause and pretends to calculate figures in his head, “Eight hours, give or take. I did have lunch, and minus the bathroom breaks.”

Ryan just laughs and shakes his head, “Seth, Seth, Seth…”

“Ryan, I’m bored.”

“Yeah I can see that buddy. Seth you’ve got to get out; not even get out, get changed.” He takes a moment, “Do you really think Summer is off in New York, sadly in her pajamas wasting away in front of the television until she gets back here.”

“I’d like to think so.”

Ryan rolls his eyes, “No Seth, she’s not, she’s working and the girls are off keeping busy in New York and you need to too, you can’t sit here for two weeks doing nothing.”

“I wouldn’t say its nothing.” He says under his breath.

“A long time ago before me, before Summer, you managed to keep busy. Think about what you used to do…”

Seth does this briefly, “Hmm…I used to sail. But if I recall correctly Ryan, the ‘Gimme Sex’ is kind of out of commission.” He says with fond memories until he relives the moment where he first caught site of the pimped out boat.

Ryan thinks again, “You draw, you worked on ‘Atomic County’. You could go back to the drawing board so to speak, and start working on new characters. I mean we’re in college now; new plotlines to be had”, Ryan, suggestively, as long as he can take Seth out of this funk.

A smile begins to form on Seth’s face as he continues to pitch the idea in his head, and starts to ramble to his self out loud, “I used to do that, I mean…I’ve been drawing for class and stuff but not, not really anything independently. I should. I mean…yeah, no, I should...” He concludes, convinced.

“Absolutely, alright that’s settled. You’re no longer going to be sitting around the apartment all day. Alright? Let’s go.” Ryan finishes off, hitting a key to start the game up.

***

On the other side of the country the rays are doing its last rounds across the pacing city before it hides away for the night. Traffic continues to work like an intricate set of cogs, and every so often a courier on only but his cycle will overtake them all. Every split second a pedestrian steps off the sidewalk and gets into an iconic yellow taxi to get to their next destination. The city is abundant and alive, in Greenwich Village, people sit at the trendy coffee houses as colleagues get caught up with coffee in hand.

The townhouse in the heart of the district stands in rows and its foundations and walls have so capably withstood time and natures elements. Marissa sits in the leather lounger by the window in the well furnished living space as she reads a current fashion magazine as Summer just walks in through the door early that evening from her day at the studio.

“Hey, how was today?”

“Amazing!” Summer beamed while setting her things down. “I got to assist in a fashion shoot for Ralph Lauren”, she exclaims even more excitedly. “I was really only meant to sit in but they were so impressed with me all this week. Let me tell you Coop, male models, if I weren’t with Seth, I’d be all ‘come to mama!” Summer exaggerates as Marissa laughs at her boldness.

“I’m glad you had fun at work.”

“What’d you do today, Coop?”

“Oh, nothing as eventful as your day”, she smiles, “but, I did do a little exploring around the vintage stores in the village and picked up some great stuff.”

“No!” Summer moans, “Coop, we were meant to do that together this weekend.”

“Sum, I promise we’ll still do that, I didn’t get to cover everything, but I had so much fun just finding my way around here. Don’t worry. We still have a lot of things to do before we leave. Speaking of ‘leave’, what time are we meant to be meeting Ashley and his friend on this group ‘hang’.”

Summer looks at the plain clock face on the wall, “We have about an hour until he and Jeff get here.”

“Jeff?”

“That’s the guy who’s coming with us…”

“No, I get that, I didn’t know you knew him.”

“I don’t, but I met him yesterday, they met me for lunch.”

“Ashley met you for lunch? So we have these impromptu lunches…inviting us for a night out…not to mention getting his other friend to let us stay in this great apartment…” Marissa says playfully.

“What are you getting at Coop?”

“Oh…absolutely nothing”, a grin forms on her, “…well not nothing, he does like you.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You’re naïve.”

***

The four of them sit around the confined circular lounging area in the corner at the club slash bar. People dance with drinks in hand while others stand against the wall held in conversation with a member of the opposite sex. The bartenders race around the counter taking orders and constantly laying out shot glasses. The music plays wildly in the background as the lights swirl across the ceiling. Marissa lets her eyes wander as Jeff is amidst telling another anecdote and Ashley is laughing out loud as he speaks of his latest brush with a stewardess. Summer on the other hand sits with a polite smile trying her best to even understand what he’s talking about.

“Oh my God, do you remember that? We got so, okay look”, Jeff says to both girls, “we rarely ever do this, but that time we just got so wasted and I woke up in some hotel room wondering how the hell I got there-“

Marissa’s attention span again begins to tune out as no one even notices. At that moment all she can think of is Ryan and wondering what he’s doing. “I’m going to go to the ladies room”, Marissa says suddenly having just cut into the conversation and their chatter dies down.

“Oh, uh okay, I’ll come with you”, Summer says and they collect their purses as the guys politely stand up as they leave.

They lightly push their way through the crowd and enter the women’s restrooms, moving past the long line of girls in need of a cubicle and heading straight for the powder area.

“Oh my god Summer”, Marissa says bluntly.

“I know Jeff is a little, you know…”

“A little?” She replies, disbelievingly.

“Okay a lot, but-“

“Sum, I just want to go back to the house.” She groans.

“I know, we’ll go soon, I just don’t want to be rude. I mean, Ashley’s done a lot to help me and I don’t just want to bail out…”

Marissa begins to retouch her lipstick before placing it back in her clutch, “fine, but I swear Summer, one more stewardess story-“

“Okay, Jeff – stewardess – leaving, got it.”

***

“No, behind you!!!” Sarah calls out as the girl is shot with a sniper rifle and Ryan laughs at her enthusiasm when it comes to these sorts of things.

“Never a dull moment with you, huh?”

“She’s not going to make it”, she says pessimistically.

“Oh come on, she’s one of the good guys, she’ll make it”, chuckling.

Sarah uncrosses her legs and gets up from the seat, making her way to the refrigerator to pull out a couple of beers. “You want one?”

“Yeah sure…” he says while she walks back and hands him the chilled glass bottle.

***

“You want to dance?” Ashley says to Summer and she obliges having missed Marissa’s subtle signals behind his back, pleading with her not to leave her there with Jeff. The two exit the round booth leaving Marissa in an awkward state.

Jeff, although tall dark and handsome, has a personality as interesting as a blank canvas. He sits there with an innocent smile oblivious to how bored Marissa is and he scoots closer towards her before asking, “How about it? You want to uh…” he nods in the direction of the people dancing.

Marissa begins to talk her way out of having to spend more time with him, “you know, that’s okay, I’m not really one for dancing.”

“Really? You don’t really seem the type to just have you back against the wall…”

“Yeah, uh, you know…I’m really uncoordinated.” She nods slightly and looks around twiddling her thumbs. “I have a trick leg.” She blurts out.

“Excuse me?” He asks wondering if he heard right.

“I have a trick leg, so, I’m not really good with the whole dancing thing…” She continues, hoping this lie won’t prompt him to ask her to dance for the rest of the night.

“You get into an accident?” Jeff enquires.

Thinking of the first thing her mind grabs hold of, “yeah, uh, you know, a while back I…fell.” She draws a blank and mentally hits herself for her pathetic excuse.

He seems surprisingly sincere, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

***

“Aren’t you tired? This is like the third movie”, Ryan says, yawning as does she, but both trying to stay awake until they reach the end of this next installment.

“It’s not like you have anything else better to do”, she teases.

“Yeah, you’re right about that. Alright, so what’s the next one?”

She moves forward to the player and inserts the disc from the movie hard case. “One of my favorites, can you guess? Die Hard 3” Sarah says proudly.

“What happened to 1 and 2?” He smiles.

She moves and takes a seat right next to him, pulling the throw rug from behind them and covering her bare legs with them as they lay crossed on the sofa, “1 and 2 are okay for me, but I like three a lot more.”

“Alright, I still haven’t changed, so I’ll be back, you can start if you want”, Ryan moves off the couch and goes to his room before returning a short while later to resume in the same spot by her.

“Ready?”

***

Summer looked like she was enjoying herself as Marissa looked on as she noticed Ashley introduce her to some people he knew. Jeff was off dancing with a random girl under Marissa’s orders not to stay there and feel sorry for her, which was actually working out better for Marissa to just leave her with her thoughts. Her thoughts led all the way back to Ryan, wondering what he’d been doing now in this late hour. The night was dragging on for too long and she needed his voice to bring her comfort. Sitting there alone made her feel the distance even more. She wanted to see his face at that moment, feel his arms wrapped around her, holding onto each other as if no one else existed. Grabbing her cell phone she flipped it open and auto-dialed a number that she could know no better.

***

As the darkness began to fill the screen as the end credits rolled, the soft chirping from his phone could barely be heard amongst the original score that played in the background. The light began to flicker in the corner as it went unnoticed by the two people that lay there together on the couch after having accidentally fallen asleep from the long string of films. Ryan and Sarah had let their bodies sink innocently onto the sofa, with Sarah’s back leant up against his torso and they rested without a care in the world, entering the subconscious realm their senses disregarded the incoming call; their beings completely relaxed in the shared warmth.

***

“It’s Ryan, leave a message.”

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 22

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 21:19:25 GMT

'The Goodbye Girls'

***

“What’s with all the encouragement and the outside of school relationship, aren’t there like university laws against that sort of thing.”

“I don’t think he’s a teacher, they’re like friends aren’t they?” He says while trying to beat Seth’s opposing ninja into a pulp.

“Ashley”, he scoffs, “sounds like a pansy if you ask me.” Seth replies so infantile, and the two of them never taking their eyes off the subject on screen. Holding a conversation and slicing each other’s heads at the same time was their idea of multitasking and were highly proficient in it when it came to their little one on ones.

“Good thing no one’s asking you then, huh.”

“I mean, who could blame him. Summer’s easy on the eyes, she’s like a minx in bed-“

“-Over share…”

“She can have a little problem with anger management, but all in all, Summer’s a wonderful catch.” He stresses.

“Make’s me wonder why she’s still with you buddy…” Ryan says emotionless, still tapping away at the controller.

Seth let’s these retorts shoot through the tunnel in his ears and moves on, “And he’s got his whole art clique and the tight black v-neck’s molding against his rippling body.”

“Seth I don’t think I really want to talk about another man’s ripples.”

“Come on Ryan, seriously. You don’t think with all the after class coffees, introducing her to his art frenzy, spending time with her and helping her with her ‘work’…there’s a possibility that maybe…something…”

“No, I don’t. Summer loves you and she would never-“

“-No, I get that, I do. Let me paint you a picture. It’s late, their working back in preparation for this exhibit thing, their in the darkroom, it’s dark, they brush up against each other. There’s friction, a sensation if you will, heat starts to build, he likes it, you don’t think that there’s any chance of-“

Ryan cuts him off yet again, “No, I don’t. Summer loves you and you need to stop being so paranoid and painting pictures.”

“And now our two women, off in New York together, the world as their oyster.”

“Seth…”

Seth scoffs and rolls his eyes, “I liked insecure Ryan much better. What’s Marissa done to you…”

Ryan smiles and shakes his head, “Is it so wrong that I trust my girlfriend…”

“And where is your girlfriend by the way…” Seth asks.

In another attempt to avoid Seth’s revolving sword, “she’s wen to go to lunch with Ethan.”

Seth looks over to his side and his expression becomes confused, “and you’re okay with this?”

“Yeah its fine, they do it every now and again.” Ryan says without a flinch.

“And you’re okay with this?” He repeats before starting to paint another picture, “they’re innocently having lunch, they talk, it’s all very nice and cozy, all very innocent and friend-like. Then what do you know, the bill comes, and by force of nature they both put their hands over it to pay. There’s friction, a sensation, you don’t think that-“

Ryan shakes his head again, “What, that they’ll leap across the table and start ripping each other’s clothes off?”

Seth starts up again, “no, I was going to say that he might pay and in return she’ll invite him over for coffee at her place as a thank you for lunch. Then that’s where they rip each other’s clothes of.”

Seth’s paranoia starts to rub off on him and he squints and considers this, as his insecurity starts to rise, soon after stopping to realize its just Seth getting too far into his head. “You’re crazy, I love her and trust her completely. Besides, I don't even think he hangs out there, but even if, I’m fine with them being friends.”

“As fine as Marissa is that you still live here with underwear model” Seth says sarcastically.

“Marissa has no problems with me living with Sarah.”

“Okay, fine…” Seth finishes before Sarah comes in with her usual attire just like he mentioned.

“Hey guys…” She smiles before passing them by and off into the kitchen.

Ryan re-thinks as to whether Marissa has any issues with him living with Sarah and goes back to whether he really is okay with Ethan. Seth catches a glimpse of him in deep thought and smiles. “Let the insecurities roll back in…” He concludes before chopping Ryan’s character while he’s distracted.

***

For his own benefit Ryan drove to Marissa’s later that same day after being infused with Seth’s rambles. Knocking on the door to her dorm room he waits patiently for someone to answer. Marissa opens the door slowly before getting a peek at who it was before opening it completely to him. “Hey, I wasn’t expecting you today”, she smiles engulfing him into a quick peck on the lips but he pulls her back into him to immerse her in a more passionate one that leaves her breathless. “Hello to you too…”

Ryan smiles, “hey”, he responds as she takes him by the hand and leads him to the sofa where he sits and she sits on his lap wrapping her arms around his neck.

“So how’s your day been?” She asks sweetly.

“Yeah it’s been okay. How was lunch?”

“Yeah we tried out this new place by the bay, he just left actually.” She replied whilst grabbing the remote control and switching to see what’s on while still in his arms.

Her words echoed as the last few settled on his mind before he asked, “…he just left?”

“Yeah, he paid for lunch and I felt kind of bad so we went back here for coffee”, she says simply unaware of how these words would affect him.

Ryan begins to think and Seth’s painted picture immediately comes to mind as his eyes widen, “you didn’t rip each other’s clothes off did you?” These words slipping out of his mouth unauthorized, not really knowing what prompted him to say that.

She turns back to him after her fixation on something on the box, “what?” Marissa asked to see if she heard properly which she did.

He brushes it off, “nothing…”

She eyes him suspiciously, “have you been talking to Seth?”

“No, nothing…”

“No, we didn’t rip each others clothes off”, she says knowing better. “We didn’t get to that part yet, we heard footsteps so he had to hide in my closet. There was some heavy petting though”, she says joking with him and he gives her a look. “He’s still there if you want to check.”

“You’re so not funny”, Ryan quickly scooping her in his arms and carrying her to the bedroom while she playfully screams, before setting her down on her back.

He hovers over her and things start to heat up intensely within moments, she stops him to ask seriously, “what brought all this on anyway? I thought you were okay with all this…”

“I’m sorry, I am. Seth just has a way of leaving little voices in my head.” He said honestly.

Believing him she smiles before pulling him back closer, letting the taste of each other create a sensation that runs incredulously through their bodies. “Can I rip your clothes off now”, she says seductively.

“Please do”, he says with limited breath before reaching back to kick the door shut.

***

The semesters end could not come any sooner, both girls were greatly looking forward to their time away. The summer had officially been in progress and the respective couples spent as much time as they could before they would separate for two weeks. It was the day before the actual date, Summer and Marissa would be leaving early that following morning, and the two of them sat in Marissa’s room preparing for their departure.

Marissa sat cross-legged on the floor right by her open closet while Summer flicked through a magazine stretched out on the bed. “I thought you were going to help me pack?”

Flicking the next page over and becoming intrigued in the upcoming trends she responds blandly, “I am, and when we’re done here you’re going to help me.” She shifts her position and can feel something underneath her that’s stopping her from getting comfortable.

Reaching under Marissa’s blanket she innocently pulls out a wrinkled item of clothing. “Ew!” She suddenly exclaims holding it at the tips of her fingers and throws the male's boxer shorts over at Marissa, hitting her head.

“Hey! What are you-“, she stops herself picking up the discarded clothing that was just thrown at her, and comes to find its Ryan’s underwear.

“Why is Ryan’s underwear here?” She says with a sour look on her face.

“Oh come on Sum”, she rolls her eyes as if her friend didn’t know better.

“No I get that you have sex here, which reminds me…” she says as she moves off the bed to join Marissa on the floor.

Marissa laughs, “He was in a rush this morning. He needed to meet with a professor about doing some work over the vacation and he was trying to find it.”

“But schools like, finished for the semester.”

“I know but he’s looking into these programs that are run through the school over the next few months.”

Summer still hadn’t completely shaken the look on her face. “Ryan’s going around campus and meeting university staff with no underwear?”

“Sum you say it like he’s not wearing pants”, now holding up a pair of figure hugging, tailored dress pants with a see-through, low-cut chiffon Victorian shirt with a small bra attached underneath. “I was thinking this for the runway show. What does it say?”

Summer studies the combination and gives her verdict, “Fashion conscious with an inner slut.”

“Sum!”

“What? You asked?”

“It’s Chloe, it doesn’t say slut.”

“Ah live a little. The men there will probably all be gay anyway.”

“Sum…”

“I’m sorry; ‘homosexual’”

Suddenly, repetitious knocking on the door coming from Kyle breaks up their little conversation and she rushes in looking like she’s getting ready for a date.

Summer looks her up and down and smiles, “Woah”, she exaggerates, “See, like Kyle! Hot date?”

“It’s our third date and he’s taking me to some place in the city which is meant to be really, you know, fancy, and I needed an opinion.” She says this flustered while wearing a little black dress in a baby-doll cut and a simple cinch belt to further outline her figure.

“You look amazing”, Marissa smiles and compliments her genuinely.

“Not too much? Or not enough?”

“Perfect”, Summer finishes off. “just the right amount of ‘take-me’”

“Summer”, Marissa reprimands while Kyle takes the compliment happily. “Kyle what do you think of this?” She says holding up the same ensemble as moments prior.

“Sophisticated slut?” Summer intervenes.

“Summer, you’re really overusing that word.”

Kyle examines it before saying, “Yeah I agree. Ooh, don’t let Ryan know you’re wearing that.”

“I told you!” Summer remarks, pointing the finger and Marissa sets it down defeated.

“Ah, he won’t know, take it anyway”, her roommate concedes.

“So when are you going back home to visit the family?” Marissa asks for a change of subject.

“Oh, not until next week, I’ll be there for a little bit, make a trip back here and then might go back again”, straightening out her dress, “Okay, well I’m going to finish getting ready, and don’t walk out of here without saying goodbye okay”, she smiles at them before turning on her heels to leave.

“Aren’t you excited Coop? Tomorrow it’ll just be you, me, and the NYC. We haven’t done anything just us two this major, in like, forever. I mean the guys, they went to the Vegas, they had a little spring break action. This is going to be our time.”

“I’m with you Sum, but a part of me will miss Ryan.”

“I’m right there with you too Coop, I’ll be missing Seth too, but its good to get out every once in a while and have a little ‘me’ time.”

Marissa, a notch perkier, “you’re absolutely right, the guys can miss us for a change…”

“That’s the spirit.”

***

“Hey, we bought dinner.” Marissa called out as the girls walked into Seth and Summer’s apartment later that evening to find they were right in the middle of another Seth-Ryan session wasting away with the video games. Summer carried in the bags of take-out while Marissa hauled in her luggage through the door.

“Hey!” The two men stretched out on the floor said in unison. Ryan looked back to see his girlfriend having problems making it with her monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage, and gets up to help her.

“Hey”, she says greeting him with a kiss before he takes the heaviest item off of her hands and sets it aside. “Thanks.”

“No problem, you ready? Got everything you need?” He said as he went back to her to pull her in for a hug.

“Yeah, I’ve got everything. How was your day?”

“Good, good, I was just in time to meet with my professor and it looks like I’ll be doing a little work over the Summer, just a few days a week.”

“Really, that’s great.”

“Alright everyone, dig in.” Summer calls out with her purchased Thai on the table.

“You know I think we really need to start branching out with the Thai.” Seth remarks as he gets up lazily.

“Does that mean you won’t be eating?”

“No, no, I’ll eat it, I’m just saying.”

The four of them grab their plates and casually sit around the lounge while Seth pops in a random DVD into the player. While Terminator 2 plays in the background, they begin in light conversation.

“So what do you two have planned when you go to New York”, Ryan asks.

“Oh, I’m not sure it pretty much depends on Summer and what she has time for.”

“Well I’ve already taken the liberty of noting down things we’re going to see and do.” Summer replies.

“Riss, what are you going to do while Summer’s doing work?”

“Oh you know the usual, shop, explore the sights, hook up with a rich Wall St. banker and ogle the basketball players at Madison Square.” She teases Ryan and nudges him lightly. “You know, what happens in New York, stays in New York.” The two girls laugh while the two guys stop expressionless.

“Well, nothing worth keeping in New York, better happen in New York.” Ryan retorts as he leans over to playfully kiss her neck.

“Yeah, I don’t know if I like that rule applying here. Tijuana, yeah, the Vegas, Florida maybe”, Seth steps in.

“Aw come on Cohen, you don’t trust us?” She says charmingly. “Besides, you guys have a far worse track record than us.”

“Yeah, she’s got us there Seth.” He laughs.

"Don't admit to it, Ryan."

After dinner, the two couples sat at opposite ends holding their partners closely in the dark glow. Enjoying each other’s company for every moment it would last until the movies end, where the girls then went to the room so Marissa could help Summer pack and the guys cleaned up the dishes.

“I need to bring like, work clothes; something that says ‘Please like me’ and ‘Don’t mess with me’ at the same time.”

“Wow, that’s specific.” Marissa says as she folds some of Summer’s basic tees. “Don’t forget, we’re also going to do a lot of shopping, so you need space in your suitcase for when we come back home.”

“Oh, you’re right”, Summer says, tapping her index finger against her cheek. “What about this for the runway show?” She says while holding up a Calvin Klein ensemble with tailored satin short-shorts with a matching buttoned down collared shirt.

“And I’m the slut?” Marissa raises her eyebrows and chuckles.

“Yours is way more revealing than this.” She retorts while taking it off of her hanger and folding it neatly, placing it in her suitcase. “If Ryan only knew…” she teases.

“If only Ryan knew what?” Ryan asks as he and Seth walk into the room and pile themselves on the bed.

"My fingertips are wrinkled..." Seth comments out of nowhere as the other's ignore it.

“What Marissa’s wearing to the runway show”, she tattles and grins.

Ryan raises and eyebrow, “and what might that be?”

“Oh you know, a little bit of this, a bit of that.” Marissa says flushed.

“Oh, she really does mean ‘little’.”

Marissa rolls her eyes, “don’t listen to her, she’s exaggerating.” She says as she gets up to lie down next to Ryan and draws him into a kiss.

“Oh come on, not on my bed”, Seth says scrunching his face and sitting up as does Marissa after he interrupts. “Woman, you are coming back aren’t you?” He says sarcastically as he sees the mountain forming in her luggage.

“You should be so lucky, Cohen.”

***

“Alright, I’m going to leave my stuff here and Ryan and I will be back in the morning”, Marissa says as Ryan and her walk out the front door hand in hand. “Don’t forget to set your alarm.”

“Yeah, and don’t be late Coop”, Summer says sternly, waving goodbye.

Their designer luggage sat in rows like a skyline up against the wall. The lights turned off, Seth and Summer sound asleep in preparation for the next day after saying their intimate farewells, and Ryan and Marissa lying wide awake in his bed after driving through the hushed streets of San Francisco.

“Atwood you better miss me like crazy while I’m gone”, she smiles while brushing his hair with her fingertips.

With his arms around her waist as she faces him, he pulls her in closer and nuzzles her neck. “I will if you will.” He jokes.

“Of course. No sex for a whole two weeks; how’s a girl to survive?” She teases while kissing his collarbone and leaving a trail that finds a way to his lips.

“Are you using me, Cooper?”

“No, I’d never do that”, she murmurs in between the meetings of their palettes. “But you’ve got to admit, the sex is good.” Marissa says seductively.

“It is very good”, he smiles as they both pull away. “So tell me about that ‘little’ thing Summer was talking about.

She laughs slightly before rolling her eyes, “It’s nothing.”

“Oh so you’re wearing nothing now, huh?” He chuckles softly.

She taps him on the arm gently, “It’s just this thing I picked out to wear for that fashion show Summer’s taking me to. It’s no big deal.”

“Describe it to me…” he says for the sake of knowing.

Marissa just sighs and gives in, “It’s just a white shirt, with a, you know, low neckline, and kind of see through”, she says rather quickly as Ryan again raises his eyebrows once again. “It’s no big deal Ryan, I just hadn’t found anywhere to wear it yet so decided I would, and plus it went with my pants.”

“Non see-through shirts work well with pants too you know”, he mocked.

“Are you scared someone will ogle my goodies”, she laughs and causes him to do the same.

“Marissa, people ogle even when you’re in your normal clothes.”

“How does that make you feel, Atwood?”

“Well, as long as I’m the only one who gets to see what’s under it, then we shouldn’t have a problem.” He replies and takes hold of her to position her on top of him.

“There’s no problem”, she says with an alluring expression as they ease their way in exploration of each other and begin to expertly remove each other of intrusive items of clothing, only to be left neglected on the floor as they toss and turn amongst his sheets. Not too far away, Sarah can vaguely hear the soft giggles and the muffled sounds that have floated through the hallway; covering her ears with a pillow in frustration as she tries to fall asleep.

The night moved on and sweat graced the surface of their bodies as they both lay on their backs and exhaled deep breaths from exhaustion that stemmed from the exhilarating experience.

“Two weeks without this huh”, Marissa smiles.

“We better make the most of it”, he says with a glint in his eye.

***

“Ryan! Come on we’re going to miss the flight if we leave any later”, Marissa says hurriedly the next morning, putting on her shoes and checking her bag to make sure she hasn’t forgotten anything.

“Alright, I’m there”, he says after grabbing a piece of toast and holding onto it in between his teeth as he ties the last shoe lace; the two of them having slept in a little after their long night together.

“Where are you two off to in a hurry”, Sarah says walking in with her shorts, laced tank top and robe as she yawns whilst stretching and revealing her toned abdomen.

“I’ve got to drop Marissa off at the airport”, Ryan answers.

“Where are you headed?” She asks vaguely interested as she walks off to grab some coffee.

“New York, actually, I’m going with Summer for two weeks”, Marissa says trying to be friendly as her efforts then seem to go unnoticed.

“Ryan do we still have milk?” She says on a different tangent.

“Yeah, the one on the bottom shelf in the fridge is the new one”, he says now standing and picking up his keys. “You ready?”

“Yeah”, now making her way to the door.

“Have fun”, Sarah calls out without looking up from her reading the newspaper.

Marissa looks back at her and hesitates as to her answer, “Uh, thanks.”

***

“U.S. Airways flight 8312, San Francisco to New York City, is now boarding. That’s U.S. Airways flight 8312, San Francisco to New York City, now boarding. Thank You.” The trained voice says over the speaker; the two couples a few feet apart as they look to the departure board and then to each other. Four of them stood still in the ever so moving airport, fellow travelers rushing past as they stood on hold to say their temporary goodbyes.

“That’s us”, Summer says softly as Seth pulls her into a hug that lasts a lifetime and he kisses her forehead. “Are you going to be okay for two weeks?” She shivers slightly in anticipation, “I hope the job thing goes okay.”

“Yeah, I’ve got Ryan, I’ve got the PS2, I've got Oats and Sparkles, and the take-out menus. I’ll be fine, have faith my little Summer.” He smiles. “Don’t be intimidated by those New Yorkers, they’re going to love you over there.” Seth says reassuringly as he kisses her softly.

“I love you, Cohen.”

“And I love you”, he says with a warm smile and hugs her.

Ryan and Marissa stand holding each other as they look over at their two best friends before looking back into each other’s eyes. “I love you”, she says softly.

“Back at you...” Ryan replies as their foreheads are leant up against each others. “I want you to call me, everyday, no matter what time.”

“Protective…”

“Especially with you, so humor me”, he says, tipping one side of his mouth upward into his trademark half-smile.

“Be Good.” She says simply.

“You too.” He responds as their lips are brought together to share in an emotional embrace.

As they all break apart the girls swap and say their farewell’s to the two brothers before grabbing hold of their things and standing side by side looking back at the most important men in their lives. Both giving them a simple wave, they turned to leave with the guys still standing there to see them off until they were out of sight. The two independent women glancing back one last time, missing their significant others with every step they took, as did Ryan and Seth who could do nothing else but watch as they girls who head off to travel over two thousand miles away.

“Just you and me buddy”, Seth says, patting Ryan on the shoulder.

“Oh boy…”

***

Through the Rain / Chapter 21

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 05:30:38 GMT

'The Big Apple'

***

Watching him slowly wake she reminisced to herself about every movement, every feeling, and all the happenings of their night together. Stroking his cheek softly he began to drag

himself out of his sleep and wake into the morning light with her right beside him.

“It’s early…” He smiled, not really complaining.

“Its 11.30”, she lightly chuckled. “Sleep well?”

“Too well, I guess.”

“I guess so…” She says as she stretches out her limbs. “I could stay here for the entire day.”

“You too, huh?”

“Last night was amazing…”

He concurred, “pretty amazing”, he smiled. “You wore me out”, he laughed.

“I do aim to please”, Marissa joked with him while he played with the soft curls in her hair.

With impeccable timing, her cell phone begins to ring on the nightstand.

“Ignore it”, he says as he reaches for her waist and pulls her in closer as her hand is already on the way to grab it.

“It’s Ethan”, she answers, looking at the ID. “I forgot I was going to meet him for lunch”, picking up her phone, “Hey...” slightly laughing, “I just woke up…yeah…yeah…okay…” she

laughs, “oh please…alright, I’ll see you soon”, with that she hangs up and returns the unit to her table.

“When do you have to go?” He asks a little disappointed.

“I told him I’d meet him in an hour”, obvious to the fact that he’s still a little uncomfortable with her relationship with Ethan considering their history that led all the way back to high

school. “Hey…” Marissa says softly with kind eyes as she takes his hand in hers. “We’re just friends.”

“I know…”

“This can’t be like before okay, I don’t want it to be like before where it feels like it’s either some guy or you. It’s always going to be you, and I need you to know that.” Marissa draws

herself further into him and takes his arms to wrap it around her as he kisses her forehead.

“Marissa, I trust you. In the past I can be the first to admit I’ve be known to overreact. But I trust you.”

“Good because this is never going to work if we don’t, and I want us to…”

“Because it always goes so well when we’re together”, drawing back to a line that takes them into the old days of the pool-house.

“But apart, everything feels so much worse…” She concludes.

***

Winter began to melt away and the seasons began to change soon after the New Year. A night that started off with the four friends, but quickly ending with just Ryan, Marissa, and

that Furstenberg original on the floor of his room. The cold became a distant memory as Spring decided it would take its place. Gone were the days of needing scarves and thick

jackets, they soon became shed as the suns warm rays became a frequent visitor. Ryan and Marissa’s relationship remained constant, and arguments they used to have now

seemed so juvenile. In slowly repairing the mistakes they had made in the past, times they fought became few and far between, from that they had been going well for months.

“Is this appropriate for an exhibition?” Marissa asks as she dusts herself off wearing a black satin Calvin Klein short draping jumpsuit; hugging at the waist and dropping loosely just

below the places only Ryan can know of. With buttons placed sparingly down the front she leaves most of them undone to create a plunging neckline that only gives her man more

reason to stay home with her that night, instead.

“I don’t know if I can make it through the exhibition with you in that.” He smiles.

“Well there’s also a dinner portion for their other art awards and stuff, but Summer said it’s not too formal, just look hot, were her words to be exact.”

“I think you fit the criteria then.” He says as they she looks herself up and down in the mirror in his room while he adjusts his cufflinks; getting ready for an art and photography

exhibition that would be showcasing Summer’s work amongst others.

“Open collar?” She asks him into the mirror as he appears behind her.

“You don’t like it?” He teases.

She turns around and wraps her hands around his waist, “No, I actually think it’s sexy”, she smiles.

“You do huh? He says while letting his hands run down the soft smooth fabric.

“Mmm…” She groans as they get their lips entangled. “We can’t do that now, we’ll be late.”

“Late is good.”

“Late is not good. Summer has been known to throw things.”

“She’ll understand…” He says disregarding what she just said and envelopes her again.

***

“You’re late”, she says with her eyes piercing just as Ryan and Marissa walk into the occupied space full of oversized images. “You had sex didn’t you?” She says not really wanting

an answer, and not really caring if anyone heard her question. As the guilty couple stand speechless and how direct she was while Seth stood in the background not wanting to get

in the way when Summer gets riled up.

“We’re sorry”, they said in unison with their ashamed faces put on.

“I hope it was worth it”, she said bluntly.

“Well…” Marissa started.

“Don’t answer that!” She said quickly. “But luckily they haven’t done the awards thing yet. Chino your collar is tucked inward.”

Ryan looks down into himself adjusting the evidence of their close encounter.

“Summer…” an unfamiliar voice calls out to her as a man that looks not too much older than the four of them, comes closer towards the group.

Summer puts on a smile as they all turn their attention towards him, “Guys this is Ashley, he organized this event and frequently comes for guest lectures in one of my classes.

He’s kind of my mentor. His work is amazing, he’s like a prodigy”, Summer says happily exaggerating.

“Prodigy is really overstepping the mark.” He replies modestly, “I like to think Summer’s work is amazing, she really has a knack for this. It’s not everyday you find someone with

such great potential.” At this compliment Summer begins to blush slightly.

“Ashley, this is my boyfriend Seth, and two of my good friends, Marissa and Ryan.” She says as they all exchange small waves and greetings.

“Nice to meet you all”, Ashley says sincerely, “I’m sorry to disrupt you, but I was wondering if I could borrow Summer for a little bit, Summer, there’s just somebody I want you to

meet.”

“Oh yup sure”, she answers “will you excuse us for a second”, she says politely as Ashley whisks her off in an unknown direction.

“I didn’t know she had a mentor. What kind of name is Ashley anyway? Kind of girly if you ask me.”, Seth says once they’re gone, a little spiteful and juvenile, while Ryan and

Marissa lend their empathy for him knowing he’s feeling a little inferior after taking a glance at Summer’s well accomplished, attractive, colleague.

“Look at you all jealous”, Marissa teased as she gave Seth a playful hug.

"Marissa's touching me". He says like a five year old and Marissa slaps him lightly and retreats.

The three of them would make their way throughout the entire exhibition with the absence of Summer; greatly impressed by the quality of everyone’s work, especially their best

friends’. The black and white prints were illuminated by the lighting, the mood was very sterile and everybody seemed to play a role in this entire thing, all having something to do

with the field; at times they felt a little out of place. Coming to a standstill, Seth takes another finger food off of the passing trays as they stop in Summer’s corner filled with all of her

work.

“Wow…” Marissa says speechless as she comes face to face with a photograph she’s never seen before, but the subject completely familiar. “That’s you…” She says turning to

Ryan as she stares transfixed at the Ryan on print, standing still outside a familiar place.

“My hair is all frizzed out in the photo”, Seth says facing an adjacent image that depicts him standing there in the rain waiting for Summer, going off in his own tangent.

The couple ignoring his last comment about himself, “hey, that’s where I work?” She asks now finally realizing. “What were you doing there?”

“Ah…waiting for you”, he says a little embarrassed.

“Why didn’t you just come inside?” She asks a little confused.

“You were a little…busy.”

“What was I doing?”

He was a little reluctant to say, “you were with Ethan…” he said trailing as Marissa’s mouth forms and ‘O’ shape.

“It’s fine, we weren’t dating or anything yet, I was coming by to see you that day, that’s all.”

Looking at the picture melts her heart and she moves over in front of him, “I love you…” She said simply, kissing him lightly on the lips, and her words brought a smile to his face

and comfort in his being.

***

“Attention everyone…” a voice speaks out into the microphone up on stage once all the guests have permeated through the exhibition room and into the function room. “I would just

like to welcome you all to this event, I’d like to thank you for coming and taking the time out to support all the new and upcoming talents exhibited tonight.” Getting a better look, the

four of them sit at their table amongst a couple of strangers seated with them, and realize its Ashley up on stage.

“Sum, what is this all about anyway”, Marissa whispers while she looks through the program provided, trying to make sense of it all.

“They hold this event annually, it works with an independent organization in conjunction with universities and colleges, and they choose the best people to come and showcase their

stuff. There’s this one award, ‘best upcoming talent’ in each field, the winner in art photography gets sent to New York for two weeks and works with this renowned studio…” She

says quickly and clearly anxious and excited.

“Really?” Marissa says impressed.

Summer continues while their boyfriends just listen in, “yeah but you get a choice with a selection of participating studios, there’s this one purely for fashion photography, you get to

assist in a shoot and sit in on like runway shows and stuff.”

“Wow, I’m kind of jealous. I hope you get it”, Marissa smiles in awe.

"I know, me too."

***

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Summer says romantically as if she were staring at her first born. In actuality she couldn’t take her eyes off the trophy that stood in the middle of the four of them

as they stayed up having coffee at a nearby place that was open until late. Caressing the crystal structure she sighed.

They all just smile and shake their heads at her.

“Glad you won?”

“Those people didn’t stand a chance”, she responds to Marissa not at all hiding her pride.

“So when do you go?” Ryan asks.

“It’s in the first half of Summer”, she beams and gets a thought in her head “Oh my God Coop, go with me!” She exclaims.

“What?” Marissa says a little stunned, reverberating emotions of the other two.

“Coop, you can come with me to New York! I was talking to Ashley before we left and he said he could get hook-ups for a friend to come with me to the runway shows and stuff. Oh

and a good friend of his owns this apartment that we could stay in.” Summer says getting more and more excited as does Marissa. “But you just need a plane ticket though, and

when I’m not in the studio, we can go shopping!”

“Wait, I’m your boyfriend, how come you didn’t ask me to come to New York?” Seth says intervening.

“Cohen, do you want to go to New York and shop with me and sit through runway shows?” Summer says sweetly.

Seth thinks for a moment wondering if he could bring himself to do that, “no you’re right, I can’t do that, Marissa you go.” He instructs.

“I’d have to ask if I can get time off work though”, Marissa responds.

“But if they say yes, is that a yes?” Summer looks at her anticipating an answer as does Ryan.

“Of course, yes!” Marissa says getting into the spirit and the girls share a girly fit.

“You two let loose in the big apple together, oh the antics.” Seth remarks sarcastically as Ryan chuckles and kisses his ecstatic girlfriend on the forehead. “You know what that

means Ryan…more Seth-Ryan time.”

“Don’t go.” Ryan says plainly to Marissa, jokingly.

“Hey!” Seth calls out.

“It’s always Seth and I doing the road tripping and flying to other states. This time what are you two going to get up to?” Ryan smiles.

***

“Hey”, Marissa said with a smile appearing on her face as she stepped out from behind the counter to greet her boyfriend later that week as she finished work.

“Hey”, taking her by the waist to greet her with a kiss.

“Thanks for picking me up.”

“No problem, you all ready to go?”

“Yeah, I’m ready”, she said as they both made their way out of the cafe where she worked and stepped out onto the open sidewalk hand in hand into the evening light.

Approaching the vehicle he opened the door for her, “how was work?” He asked genuinely.

“It was a long day”, she stressed. “I asked for time off.”

“How’d that go?”

“Uh, not well at first, I had to annoy my manager the whole day before he caved”, she laughed.

Starting the engine they pulled out of the curb-side parking, “well at least, you know…in the end. Oh we’re going to Seth and Summer’s by the way.”

“Really, what’s the occasion?”

“Nothing, its Friday and Seth suggested movie night, we haven’t done that in a while.” Ryan said simply as he took her hand in his free one and held it as he drove.

Her eyes light up, “Ooh!”

“No.”

“You haven’t even heard why I was going to say”, she points out.

“No, you cannot pick the movie”, he replies with his eyes still focused on the road. “Seth has home court advantage, he said this earlier, and those words exactly.”

“Ryan”, she begins to complain.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t make up the rules.”

***

Marissa sat on the couch at Seth and Summer’s whilst flicking through the set of DVD’s they would be facing in tonight’s viewing. “I’m surprised we’re not watching some Japanese

animation Seth”, she said calling out to them in the kitchen as he and Ryan both came out with pizza slices in hand. “America’s Sweethearts, The Italian Job…Stand by me?” She

said the last in a quizzical tone. Ryan, taking the spot next her, offered her a bite of his pizza. “Thanks.” She mumbles.

“Summer called in those choices, I was only allowed one.”

Marissa smiled, “What happened to the home-court advantage?”

“Well my home-court just so happens to also be Summer’s”, Seth explained, taking a seat and planting his feet firmly on the ottoman.

“Where is Summer by the way?” Ryan asked as Marissa took it upon herself to take another bite out of his food, and he stops to look at her, “Can I help you?”

She smiled like a guilty culprit with a mouthful of food, “Sorry.”

He laughs slightly, “do you want me to get you your own?”

“No, I just wanted a bite”, she says sweetly. “So should we wait for her? Do you know when she’s getting back?”

“I don’t know, let me call her”, Seth says while reaching for the cordless phone and hanging it up shortly after getting her voicemail. “I think her phone’s off.”

“Do you want to wait?” Says Ryan as Marissa shifts her position for her legs to rest on his lap.

“She’s seen them all anyway, we can just start, she shouldn’t be that long”, he assumed.

The night was well underway and the streets were illuminated by the bright lamps. Time swimming past as the DVD counter read 59.46 minutes on the second movie already; just

above it on the shelf, Summer’s proud achievement sitting on display, and still no Summer to complete the group, and Seth well aware of this fact.

“Maybe you should try calling her again…” Marissa suggested, cutting through the silence between them with only Mark Wahlberg strategizing in the background.

Seth reached tiredly for the phone again and dialed her cell, and on cue, Summer walks in hurriedly through the door and hangs up her coat quickly; Seth canceling his attempt and

all three of them drawing their attention towards her.

“Sorry, what did I miss?” She says regaining her composure and breath.

“Hey I was just about to call you…”

“Sorry, I’m late, I got held up on campus. Ashley wanted to talk to me about this independent exhibition that’s going to run in the city and he’s encouraging me to try and get my work

in. Then he had some friends from out of town, one owns a small gallery and was really interest in my work and we just had coffee. Sorry I lost track of time.” Summer says

casually, her voice growing fainter the further she gets from them while she heads to the bedroom, walking out minutes later in more comfortable clothes and taking a spot by Seth

who doesn’t look like the most impressed of people right now, who not surprisingly isn’t at all trying to hide his feelings about her being late and not calling.

“Move over a little, Seth”, she requests while trying to make herself comfortable.

“No, I was here first”, he retorts.

“Come on, move over a little”, Summer repeats.

“Hmm…let me think about that…uh…no”, he shakes his head firmly, “late people sit in the lone armchair.”

“What? That’s not a rule, what are you, five?” She rolls her eyes and waits for Seth who refuses to budge while Ryan and Marissa do nothing but observe.

“Well if I’m five, then you be the bigger person and sit over there.” He points out.

Summer has no idea what’s gotten into him and stands up, “fine, I’ll just move the ottoman with me.”

Seth spreads his legs wider across the suede fabric on purpose, “no that stays here.”

Summer gives up and the happy couple near them, notice the tension that suddenly built itself up between the brown haired pair. Summer unhappily sits awkwardly in the lone

armchair while they continue to carry on with the movie; Seth proud he stood his ground no matter how immature he may have seemed. The dim light and glow from the screen

illuminated their uneasy facial expressions; the plans for a drama free movie night not going according to plan. Seth and Summer sat opposite each other with Seth still refusing to

look at her, and Ryan and Marissa would occasionally play ping pong with their eyes as they’d flicker at both ends.

The DVD counter came to an end and marked the conclusion of a tension filled screening. Ryan and Marissa were almost thankful to get out thickness of the room; leaving Seth

and Summer to battle whatever it was amongst themselves. Seth began to place the discs back into their rightful cases and still hadn’t spoken a word to his girlfriend ever since

their battle for the footrest. She was putting away the glasses in a mimicked silence and would continuously glance over at him and wait to see if he would break the muted volume

first but she couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Cohen”, she said almost whining and stopped to look at him, while he showed no change in routine and continued about his business.

“Yes, Summer”, he said unfazed.

“What’s with the silent treatment?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about”, Seth lied.

“Yes you do, you haven’t said anything to me in almost two hours.” They both stood at opposing sides of the lounge room. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me?” He said with finally a hint of emotion in his voice.

“Yeah that’s what I said.” She said becoming further agitated.

He set down the DVD’s and put them away and stood up facing her. “You could’ve called…” He said trailing off a little shyly.

“What?” Summer’s puzzled expression taking over before finally getting it. “Is that what this is about? I said I’m sorry and there really isn’t anything left I can say about that.”

“Alright fine…” his will to argue fading.

She walks up confronting him and looks him straight in the eye, “Seth, what do you want me to say?”

“Nothing, its fine, I was just worried”, he said meeting her gaze and never revealing too much of his emotions.

Her heart softened at the simplicity of his words and his kind nature that lay underneath all the quips and sarcasm. “I’m sorry, I should’ve called or…something”, she said sincerely

for a lack of anything that great to say but rather just made her way closer to him and brought him into a hug waiting for him to return it. “I really am Sorry, Cohen.”

***

“What was that all about?” Marissa said as they both stared at the ceiling of his bedroom with the sheets covering their bodies and shielding it from the midnight air.

He smiled, “I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll hear about it tomorrow.”

“You know, I’m looking forward to the whole New York thing. Don’t you two want to come with us?”

“No, I think Seth would feel like he’s third wheeling when Summer’s off doing her intern thing. But it’s okay, we’ll stay here and you two can do all your shopping stuff together”, he

said while stroking her hair. “Be good while you’re gone.” He teases.

“I can say the same for you”, she smiles.

“Don’t forget to call…”

“Ryan we’re not even going yet…”

“I know, I’m just saying…”

She looks at him and embraces the feeling he gives her just being there, “and don’t forget to answer…” kissing him softly and turning her body to face him they fall asleep in a subtle

embrace, their foreheads touching and entering the serenity of their dreams.

***

Countless tides away, the woman goes to her bedroom, just barely grabbing the handle she clutches it with as much force as she can muster. Her body leads itself to the mattress

and her system retreats and begins to challenge her strength, her weakness winning out as her eyes close to ride out the torment.

***